Action: Remember to blog

Have you ever told yourself to remember something, then you remember only that you were going to remember something but not what it was that you were supposed to remember? So, your plan to remember worked except for the small idea of content.

But then I remembered what I was supposed to remember, and I don't care. Borrrring.

Messy is good

“Order can be profane and life-diminishing,” he said the other day....

So true.

Everybody have a lovely christmas weekend and whatnot

Ok, then.

Oh, my.

Who stole Jesus' foreskin?

Was it you?

Xmas shopping

I have 3 brothers who are very different from each other, yet I got them all the same thing. No, it was not socks, plaid shirts, or candy. Although candy might've been better. But no, I'm sticking with this. Spoiler alert: if you are my brother (and who isn't?) and you don't want to know what your present is, stop reading here. Ok, here it is: thumb drives. Yep, 256k of sweet, sweet storage. I figure it was a slightly more exciting gift than compact fluorescent lightbulbs. Not too much more exciting, I don't want them getting the vapors or anything.

I went to the mall to do this shopping. It wasn't so bad. I was chatting with this guy at work, he didn't like the way Christmas is so commercial "these days". You know, the commercialization of Christmas doesn't bother me. I can't control if other people decide to drive themselves nuts, or spoil their overprivileged brats, or feel the need to outspend their neighbors on useless crap. Let's not worry about every body else, shall we? Let's be chill.

Casu consulto

"Accidentally on purpose". Does that mean mere sneakiness, general guile, or something else? Like, fate converging on you, or a bunch of coincidences that bring you to something?

I don't know, I just heard that phrase and I wanted to use it. Then I looked it up and found this:

Good joke: Essential Latin Phrases

Contains the essential "Quantum materiae materietur marmota monax si marmota monax materiam possit materiari?"

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

At work my boss talks about how we should always underpromise and overdeliver, and is it a sign of my attitude problem that it reminds me of this: Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment?

Good joke: Inspirational Posters For The Cubicle Era

I woke up at 3:30

And I can't get back to sleep. So I've been reading Gawker, especially this post, and stuff like that.

This is the sound of an annoyed platypus (is there any other kind?).

the party was pretty good

Deuces Wild yelled at my pregnant co-worker for not drinking. Well, that's an exageration; they started to chastise her then she pointed to her tummy. And she got some ice water for the many "Team drink! Team drink!" things that they did. I shall now exagerate everything about the party. And lie. There was a stack of shrimp six stories high, encircled by a moat of cocktail sauce. Someone accidentally gave me extra drink tickets, and I returned them, because I'm a stooge like that; then I changed my mind and stole the whole roll of tickets and ran shrieking through the room, tossing tickets to lucky children as I fled. There was a conga line. I'm running out of steam for this description.

Santa baby

We're doing the secret santa thing at work. Somebody stole jb's present. Isn't that terribly un-christmassy? As a result, jb was mildly apoplectic for part of the day. It's a three day thing, so she got something yesterday and she'll probably get something tomorrow, so she'll feel better then. Also, we went for lunch at a good place with many breadsticks, which also helped make her feel better or put her in a carbo-coma, which is good too.

So far I've gotten some stuff from my Secret Santa too: bubble bath, loofah, notepad with santa on it, dark chocolate. I got my santa person a mini christmas tree and lights. Tomorrow I'm giving him a Charlie Brown Christmas CD. I think that is awesome, I hope whatsisface likes it.

Tomorrow night is the work Christmas party. It's one of those things that are obviously supposed to be fun, that is the point, right? I think the odds are good (51% likelihood) that it will be but I am usually cautious of such events. An work party is potentially a fricking minefield, you know it is.

Happy holidays

I'm just not feeling it this year. Luckily I have a few events to help me get in the spirit. I'm not grinchy, I'm not anti-christmas, or anything like that, I just feel detached from the festivities. My cousin is getting married on December 23rd, so that is really cool. I guess he knocked up his girlfriend. So, party with the fam! Having a wedding in Fargo the weekend before Christmas is a bit dicey, but the weather reports look good so far.

Beep update

No beeping this morning. I think it's a test.

Beep beep beep-beep

I woke up to the sound of many beeps this morning. Usually there are a few. The beeps sound just like my alarm clock, except louder and from much farther away, and I hate them. I think it might be a garbage truck backing up, lots of times. Because the garbage collectors hate me; I'm sure they think I don't recycle enough. This morning, the beeps were more insistent and accusatory than usual. I even rolled over to check to make sure it wasn't my alarm clock. But no, it was too early for that yet. So I endured the beeping by burrowing under the pillows until the alarm clock piped up to join it's beeping brothers outside. Half asleep, I had a theory that something about the weather made the beeping more, hmm, prolific than the usual Tuesday.

Noooooo, the beeping wasn't in my head. It was garbage trucks. Or maybe some trucks from one of the businesses nearby. I'm almost sure of it.

Cute or creepy: you decide!

CUTE THINGS FALLING ASLEEP

It made me yawn, but in a good way.

Hockey and italian food

I like hockey. I like pasta. So last night was great. I had more to say, but eh. Fucking computer. Although... if you spend twenty minutes writing something, it gets lost, and you don't think the lost stuff is worth rewriting, is that a sign that it was crappy, that you are lazy or both? Yeah, both.

It seems like everything I want to do is scheduled at the same time. Any Saturday that there is one thing I want to do, or go to, there are also one or two more. Witness my stellar non-attendance at Lit6 shows. Oh well, what are ya gonna do?

The next post will be on Blogger Beta,

it's the end of an era or something.

Just wanted to let ya'll know in case it gets all jacked up.

Something I learned from listening to NPR today

-Some conservatives think that the US has been using 'diplomacy' in Iraq, and that is why things are going so poorly. What we need is about 50,000 more troops over there, then everything will be all better.

Well, that solves that! Awesome.

I got a haircut!

This isn't really exciting news, but I did indeed get a haircut this evening. Basically, my co-worker said she was going to get her hair cut. I said, I should really do that sometime. She said, Come with me. I said, Nah... Ok.

So I did. I also got my eyebrows waxed. So did she. I always forgets how much that hurts like a motherfucker.

I usually don't like chatting with the hairstylist. This time too. I never have anything to say. I figure they might appreciate a little silence as much as I do.

The stylist's name was Misty Rae. No kidding. I saw it on her cosmetology license there on the wall.

Hey there, Monday.

How you doin'?

Did anyone check out the new St. Cloud Hooters on its opening night? Are the reviews in from the restaurant critics?

Odd Book Titles

From here.

• People Who Don't Know They Are Dead: How They Attach Themselves to Unsuspecting Bystanders and what to Do About It
• Bombproof Your Horse
• The Big Book of Lesbian Horse Stories
• Living With Crazy Buttocks
• The Joy of Sex: Pocket Edition
• Reusing Old Graves
• American Bottom Archaeology
• How to Avoid Huge Ships
• Lesbian Sadomasochism Safety Manual
• Versailles: The View from Sweden
• Oral Sadism and the Vegetarian Personality
• The Book of Marmalade: Its Antecedents, Its History and Its Role in the World Today
• Population and Other Problems
• Last Chance at Love - Terminal Romances
• Proceedings of the 2nd International Workshop of Nude Mice

Movies I might watch today

Elf
Love Actually
The Shop Around the Corner
Hotel Berlin
The Producers
Guys and Dolls
I Love You Again
Singin' in the Rain
The Others
The Mortal Storm
Stage Door

The list prompts the question: Who really gives a shit? I don't. I couldn't even tell you why I am posting this. Does it express anything? If you were wondering what I was up to today, this is it.

Here are some money saving tips.

Do some of them seem a little crazy? Yes, I think so.

from the Debt-Proof Living Newsletter. Reading it has not made me debt-proof, but it does freak me out sometimes.

LAST BIT: Everybody knows that you roll up a toothpaste tube when it gets to the end. But if you unwind it and snip off a tiny corner of the bottom, you will find there is a lot more in there. -- Lorraine H., Illinois

JUICE TRAP: Instead of using a cutting board for fruits and veggies, I use a pizza pan or an old metal pie pan. This way, nothing slides off the board. -- Lorraine H., Illinois

KNEE WRAP: Need a wrap for an arthritic knee? Cut toes out of a stretch sock. Pull it over your knee with the heel over your kneecap. It stays in place and is warm, comfortable, washable and reusable. -- Catherine S., Illinois

GUM REMOVER: I have found that Ronsonol lighter fuel works to remove gum residue from price tags. You don't have to use a spoon or knife to loosen gum, and you don't have to rinse. -- Dave J., Washington (Caution: Lighter fluid is, of course, flammable and should be used in this way with extreme caution and out of the presence of children. -- M.H.)

GIFT SACK: Pillowcases can become useful "wrapping paper" at Christmas time. Pick out a festive print for each child at the dollar table at your local Wal-Mart. Fill the pillowcase with the gifts, and include another pillowcase if the child has a double bed. Tie with a big red ribbon and attach a bow and nametag. -- Bea H., North Carolina

ALL-PURPOSE CLEANER: For homemade window cleaner, pour 1 pint rubbing alcohol and 2 pints nonsudsing household ammonia into a 1-gallon container. Fill the rest of the container with water. Add two drops of Dawn liquid detergent. Pour into spray bottle. I have wonderful results using this solution to clean stoves, carpet spots, counters, tile and, of course, windows. -- Jeannette B., Illinois (Always label cleaners clearly and keep well out of the reach of children and pets. -- M.H.)

I'm so disappointed in psychotic people right now.

Researchers followed psychotics through the voting process in 2004 and found a “correlation between the severity of a person’s psychosis and their preferences for president. The more psychotic the voter, the more likely they were to vote for Bush,” according to Bush’s hometown newspaper.

Can you believe it? Yeah, I guess so. I don't know, it's not exactly a mindblowing revelation. There always seems to be a new study out that purports to empirically prove the stupidness of America. No wonder so much of the right wing doesn't trust intellectuals.

Wonkette, Gawker and Defamer not only give you all the important news and pictures of icky celebrities partially naked that you could ever want, they can also help build your vocabulary. For instance, adding -tard to the end of any word instantly heps up your writing. Celebutard, yuptard, cracktard. See how awesome that is? Also, just look at how many variations there are on the humble douche bag: Douché (rhymes with touché), douchoiserie (douche plus bourgeoisie of course)... I don't know, lots of others.

I'm tired.

A list

I can't think of anything substantial to write about, because here is what I am thinking about instead of substantial things:
-butterscotch candies
-chapstick
-parts of showtunes, mostly the chorus but sometimes more.
-scented candles
-the news
-television

There's always a Danny

Any Aaron Sorkin fans out there? Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip, The West Wing, Sports Night? His shows always have their own charming moments and really fucking annoying moments. Studio 60 has moments that are incredibly erudite (like, smart enough for people who don't like to watch 'the idiot box') but has more moments, lately, that are painfully pretentious, arrogant and self-righteous.

It could be a good show; it could be a much better show than it is. But I love this parody: Aaron Sorkin writes a show about baseball.

DANNY
I only became a pitcher because of her.

LEO
Does she know that?

DANNY
She knows that a human arm is not supposed to throw a baseball 100 miles per hour. And she knows that Jesus Christ could strike out Babe Ruth every at bat for ten years without so much as a rotator tear. But to answer your question – what was your question again?

It's benefits time! Yay!

If you are lucky enough to have access to benefits like a Flexible Spending Account, here's a cool tool I found linked on Lifehacker that will help you estimate your costs and savings.

WageWorks Health Care FSA Savings Calculator

I could save a couple hundred bucks on taxes if I use my FSA right next year. And like my workplace's Aflac rep says, if you get to the end of the year and you have money left in your account, you can stock up on over the counter drugs, contact lens solution, first aid sundries or whatever. My lazy paperwork-avoidance side has to duke it out with my cheapskate side to decide if I'll contribute to my account and how much.

Oh come on!

From Cuteoverload.com, of course.

Don't hide, kitty. You are not good at it!

Don't be emo...

Be supremo.

JJ's nephew said that to another kid the other day, at JJ's jewelry party. He also offered the alternative version: Don't be emo, be extremo.

Personally I prefer the supremo. Either one is good advice.

Do not ask me for directions

I got lost tonight. Spent 45 minutes driving to get to someplace about ten minutes from my home. I think for a while there I was on Mrs. Todd's Shortcut, only the longcut version. I went to a party that JJ (jumper) was throwing. It was a jewelry party. I have gotten a whole freaking lot of jewelry lately; it's been a lot of fun! But the getting lost thing... I have such mad skills. I have like dyslexia but with places. I have a vague and fuzzy picture in my mind of where I am and where I want to go, and in between the two there is a vaguer and fuzzier darkness.

I wish there was a vitamin I could take to make me smarter at this type of thing.

wheeeeee

So today I was picking up whackly's wii at the mall today. Anyway, best part was when the chick asked me if I wanted 'security' to walk me back to my car with it. I said, with my usual skill at talking, "Is that....like..... a thing?" By which I meant, huh? Am I going to be robbed? No, I didn't require an escort to my car. No one even tried to rob me.

Whackly was in Wisconsin with his family and he would have like died or something if he couldn't get the Wii sooner, so he gave me the reciepts. And he repaid the favor by giving me a christmas stocking filled with jam and explosives.

Milton Friedman died.

I was all like, he was still alive? Wow.

Ladies' Aid

Well, to continue my thoughts on churches and perhaps elicit yours, the day of my grandma's funeral we went to three different churches: One for the service, one for the burial and one where the family got together to sort photos and send thank yous. I wasn't bothered by these churches, of course I had other stuff on my mind.

I didn't know the ladies' aids were still in business. I hadn't really thought of them in years. I remember teachers in elementary school asking us if we were holding a meeting of the ladies aid if we chatted too much in class. Now, these were small-town or no-town churches, so I don't know if it's like this everywhere. At the first one, for a small donation to the church, they made lunch for 150 people and cleaned it up. You know the midwestern lunch? hotdishes? bars? buns? koolaid? gallons and gallons of coffee?

The no-town church is Stordahl. It's where my mom went as a kid. I tried to take a picture of her and my aunts and uncles confirmation pictures, but they turned out totally creepy, weird reflections and suchlike. If I ever get them scanned I'll post them. It wouldn't shock me if that place was haunted.

I'm not religious but I understand that churches are good for a lot of things. Like community support types of things. Ladies' aid rocks.

Wedding

I went to a wedding this weekend. It was very lovely, and I got to see some people I hadn't seen for a very long time. I didn't talk to anybody very much, because I left the reception pretty early. (Sorry, Mr. Groom, if you are reading this. It was very lovely!)

The last time I went to a Catholic wedding, I was maybe nine. I think chuches are weird, don't you? No, no one else does.

dammit

Everytime I try to post my computer freezes up. Must type fast. Any tips? New computer, right? Maybe it's a sign I should be watching more tv instead of blogging.

Later skaters.

the writinging

The novel, shee ees not going so weeell. Oh well, it'll be a novella. A short story. A blurb.

\

http://ccinsider.comedycentral.com/cc_insider/cc_indecider/index.html

Wow.

It looks like Hatch is winning. And Klobuchar is leading by a lot, as predicted. The run up to the election was so exquisitely borrrrrrring, but I'm enjoying watching the results roll in. For the first time in six years!
-Keith Ellison is winning, I believe it's been called. not my district but he seems like a cool guy
-Wetterling is trailing slightly. there's still time. Wow. Her party is at the Red Carpet. I bet the owners of that establishment didn't vote for her. Hard to say though.

10:03 Now Wetterling is trailing... ok, I will just wait to see what happens.

Looks like Wonkette's stepmom is losing.

10:24 I'm watching the Daily Show/Colbert Report combo deally. It's neat.

Crafty Britney

Britney Spears filed for divorce from whatsis, K-Fed, today. Smooth of her to do it on election day, no? LOL. It should get less play on CNN. All mindless television viewers owe her our thanks.

i voted

Pretend the headline is a red sticker. Unsurprisingly, there were problems with the new voting machines in some areas of the country. And it seems to me like Bush was acting cocky about Republican's keeping control of both houses, so the logical conclusion is there's a massive plot to disenfranchise everybody. Nah.

Here you go.

I'm trying to make this amusingly lousy instead of just lousy, but whatever. Here is part of the thing I am writing. I am way behind on word count, so I'm throwing in everything I can, craft and elegance be damned. I think perhaps this would invite the scorn of some writers who are real writers, but it is just a thing to do.

Here's an excerpt if you don't wish to click, for which I do not blame you.

Her cat (a brown, black, tan and white colored cat whose front claws had been removed two years ago) was sitting and grooming herself on an ottoman that matched her brown floral side chair, but at the sound of the loud gasp the cat, whose name was Snitty that week, because Liz knew the cat didn't care what her name was so she changed it every week, jumped and hissed and ran to hide under Liz's bed in her bedroom.

yee ha

I drank two shots last night without getting sick. It was a fun party, {[thanks for inviting me, R]}. I also met another blogger, The Pirate of Selby Avenue. Furthermore, I drank two shots without getting sick. I said that already, but it amazes me. I guess they weren't that strong. The first shot was a Mexican herbal licoricey tasting thing; I can not remember what it was called other than than it started with an X and had many consonants in a row. This is not an effect of the alcohol I'm pretty sure, just a long ass name. The second shot was sake. I think the reason I didn't die (or wish for death this morning) was that it wasn't tequila. I also had some lovely umeshu, Japanese plum wine. Never had that before.

Nah, no.

So I'm doing NaNoWriMo this year. Because somebody (RMGS, ahem) said I should. It started yesterday, so I have plenty of time to give up. You are supposed to average 1667 words a day to make it to the 50,000 word goal. I guess that's what makes it a novel for these purposes. My 'novel' is terrible, but I'll totally post parts maybe. So far the characters ate lunch, then they took a community education class.

Since the emphasis is quantity over quality, I think it would be a snap, except for the time issue. I think the characters will be wearing clothes that take a long time to describe, and have weird dreams, and discussions that are pointless and trivial. I described the plot to one friend as a Lifetime movie meets the Simpsons (and, no, it's not autobiographical), and as horrible as that sounds the end product will actually be much worse. I am so psyched.

Wiggles?

They are a bit creepy but somehow I am digging the music. Our group at work has chosen The Wiggles as a team costume. We have two of each color. I borrowed this DVD from a lady at work who has a kid. I'm going to be the purple shirt one. He is Jeff, he is apparently narcoleptic, which makes for a weird subplot in a DVD for toddlers. Per the website, he loves sleeping and when he dreams he even dreams about sleeping. I think that is just an expression of a deeply buried death wish. But whatever.

hi

I haven't posted in a while. Been busy. So here's some pictures of stuff to look at instead of reading stuff.

Reviews

I've been at this job for ninety days. So my review is coming up any day now, and I have to come up with some shit. I could use some suggestions. I think I've got the weaknesses covered, but hey, if anything comes to mind, share away.

Strengths: purchased candy and put it out at her desk, so being a good sharer is a strength, right? other than that....... Doesn't steal. Doesn't drink at work. Has magic powers.

Weaknesses: shifty eyed. pensive. listens to NPR at her desk. scared of the copier.

Biggest accomplishment: made copies without crying. runner up: When that guy came in and asked about job openings but kept interrupting the conversation to mutter to himself about birds, encouraged him to apply and offered him an application, which he declined for many reasons, reasons that he whispered to the staircase as he left.

Lame lame lame. Not the crazy guy, he was awesome.

let's have a tea party!

Hey, guess what? My parents got a scanner. I used it this weekend.

Now it's tea party time! The picture on the left is me and two of my brothers, circa 1981. Below, you find my nephew and nieces having their own tea party around 1999-ish.

I had the tiny tupperware set, in gold and brown and all those awesome colors. I don't recall the circumstances, but I bet on this day I was ragging on my mom about wanting to have a tea party with my new dishes and she lured my brothers to participate and behave in a civilized, tea party-appropriate fashion with cookies, perhaps candy.

My nieces have 7 or 8 tea sets between them. Nephew didn't officially own one, but they all liked playing restaurant and stuff like that. Now they are all getting big, in the throes of elementary school and junior high for the boy. Sigh. Where does the time go?

Icky poo with the weather

I am not used to wearing my winter coat so I forget it when I go out to lunch. And tonight, I forgot it again. So tomorrow morning will suck, but it usually does. The weather is not fun. No no no.

But this morning, during my break, it didn't suck. I had cheese crackers and hot chocolate for breakfast, not health food but comfort food, and I looked at the snow outside. That was nice. Then it stopped snowing and that was way fucking better.

Worky work

There was a work party tonight. It was a pretty good time, but here I am, home at 9:30 and coherent enough to blog. Not that it requires so much coherence but you know what I mean. It was all right though; it's been a long time since I've hung out will collectors. They know how to party, kind of.

JB wanted to scam some extra drink tickets, but it wasn't gonna happen. So I hung out with my boss for a while, talked a little shop, played some darts (badly as usual), and sat and talked and listened and drank some more.

I am glad to be home at a reasonable time, in fact.

Hi!

How's everybody doing? Glad to hear it. Oh, go on with your bad self. You don't say.

Wouldn't it be cool to live in olden times?

I mean, like, way way way back? In pagan, pre-Roman England? Then you probably would know what all the henges were really about. Life expectancy was like 25 years or something, so you wouldn't have time to get bored. Those are the two main advantages that I can think of right now. Fucking Romans, ruined everything.

Hey, the sock thing

They eliminated the hosiery part of the dress code at work. A bit too late for sandal season, but still a triumph. They haven't announced it yet, which is weird. If someone bitches that so-and-so isn't wearing pantyhose, L in HR just tells them it is ok to do that now. There will probably be a posting at the end of the week. What I am wondering about is the guy who always wears Birks with socks. Will he bare his toesies? Let's all hope not.

L of HR (kinda) mourns the change, even though she knows it will result in fewer fashion travesties in the building . It was the easiest part of the dress code to enforce. You are either wearing socks or not. You could make a weak argument, try to say your legwarmers fit the qualification, but clearly they do not. And they certainly are not business casual! No sirree bob!

It's possible I lack the required disposition for my job. That's a whole 'nother post though.

Heroes on NBC

Who needs to watch more television? I hear ya, total waste of time. But this show is very good. So far, so good. It's worth watching til it inevitably the quality slips and it goes to shit like everything else.

The Sunday Rounddown

I have been coming up with little blog ideas then letting them go. So how about a random list of things that cross my mind? Oh, let's make that a short list.

-God, it's really fucking nice out today. What was the high? Eighty some damn degrees. Sunny. Warm, nay, hot when you're in the direct sun! I can't believe I'm even inside typing this! Christ! I also heard on the radio today that El Nino may cause a warmer than usual winter. Global warming, so tragic, so infuriating. But the fact that I might be able to put off fixing my car's heater a little bit longer provides me with some small consolation and I hope it does for you as well.

-So, heard about this Mark Foley guy? Republican Representative from Florida? Flirting online with a teenage boy who worked as a Congressional page? If you haven't heard about it, just forget I said anything, it's really creepy. This guy was part of the House committee on missing and exploited children. Oh, and some of his party mates have known of his proclivities for at least a year and didn't do anything about it. Nice.

-Ok, you know who John Krasinski from The Office is? Of course you do. He was on Late Night with Conan O'Brien a couple of weeks ago, but I just caught it. Did you know NBC replays Conan episodes a week after the first showing, but at 3 a.m.? Now you do know this, if you didn't know it previously. Well, John Krasinski's hair looked funny. Like my brother Chuck's senior yearbook picture from 1987. Only slightly less feathered.

-Here are some things I like about my job: professional atmosphere is sometimes welcome, not as weird as I thought it would be; boss gives clear expectations, feedback, respect; a good mix of routine and change, solitude and teamwork, for my personality; dress code gives me an excuse to buy new clothes (someday).

-I should tell you, I enjoy all of your blogs. I mean, at least most of your blogs, the ones I know about. I'm sorry I don't comment more, but I'm there reading on the regular. Blogs are weird weird things. Sometimes I think this will be like having a pet rock 30 years from now, only more like a pet rock that documents some of the poor choices and half assed opinions of my mid to late 20s.

one of my brothers sent this to me. verrrry interesting

Fun

The Sen. Allen Insult Generator

This one is fancy:

Shakespearean Insult Generator

This one is gross:

Ebaum's World Random Insult Generator

It's ok, right,

to not have a favorite color? A favorite movie? Book, car, tv show? Person? Mutual fund?

I can't think of any favorites, like the one most favorite, of anything right now. I guess black is my favorite color, except I don't really want to claim that as part of my identity. Have you ever seen those cheesy magazine articles about What Your Favorite Color Says About You? Nothing good, my friend, nothing good.

Today's word. Totally.

vertiginous \vur-TIJ-uh-nuhs\, adjective: 1. Affected with vertigo; giddy; dizzy. 2. Causing or tending to cause dizziness. 3. Turning round; whirling; revolving. 4. Inclined to change quickly or frequently; inconstant.

Vertiginous derives from Latin vertigo, "a turning round, a whirling round; giddiness," from vertere, "to turn." Related words include reverse, "to turn back (re-) or around"; subvert, "to undermine" (from sub-, "under" + vertere -- at root "to turn from under, to overturn"); and versus, "against" (from versus, "turned towards," hence "facing, opposed," from the past participle of vertere). Dictionary.com Entry and Pronunciation for vertiginous

Stuff people did at my old job that would not fly at my current job

I did not personally do all the things on this list.


-Crossword puzzles/sudoko

-Homework

-Sewing, quilting, knitting, scrapbooking.

-Any computer game

-Checking personal e-mail

-Catching up on your blog reading

-Online shopping. Online anything that isn't online working.

-Covering somebody's desk with post it notes when they are gone for a few days (that's wasting supplies! Think bonus, dammit!)

-Covering somebody's desk with balloons

-Adding confetti to an inflated balloon, pinning it to the ceiling above someone's desk, then trying to throw pens at the balloon to get the balloon to pop.

-Making darts from t-pins and flower pens and using them to pop balloons. Screaming with laughter.

-Putting staplers and remote controls into balloons.

-Hooking up a Playstation to the company's tv-on-a-cart, playing during work, and staying after work is done to keep playing.

-Work on your home business, stuffing envelopes, making calls, doing your taxes, filling out financial aid forms, making and receiving dozens and dozens of personal calls

-Spinning in your chair until you get dizzy and/or nauseous.

-Excercising at your desk (LOL. Self magazine? 60 second fat blast? In Shape with Sharon Mann? Good times.)

I know I'm missing lots of good stuff. What though?




-

Hey,guess what?

Tuesday is

Talk Like a Pirate Day!!

Celebrate with someone you love. Or by yourself, muttering to yourself in pirate talk in the middle of the grocery store.

Wash away your sins

This is kind of interesting. I guess it makes sense.

I was away from the interweb all weekend long. I didn't miss it but it was good to catch up on blogs, e-mail and whatnot when I got back.

Whatnot is a cool word.

Hey, whatever reinfabulates your misogynator...

All up in your ambifacient lunar wanescan.

This is what it sounds like when anybody tries to explain haute tech to me.

I can't think

of anything to write. Well, yes, I can, but too many things.
Here's a quick list:

I went to a friend's house for dinner; she showed me her 60 day sobriety medal. We ate roast beef and potatoes with carrots and onions. I brought cupcakes for dessert.

Then we watched House. I like that show, it's somehow predictable and edgy at the same time.

In tonight's episode the kid thought he was being abducted by aliens but actually he absorbed his twin in the womb and that's what made him sick or something. I'm not sure, I didn't actually read the link I used above.

What I am sure of: Fox's House website has a page called "Research: To help fuel all your hypochondriacal tendencies". Doesn't have the zygote absorbing stuff from tonight's episode.

It also has a list of House-isms. I haven't found the perennial favorite "Everybody lies." It's so reassuring yet bleak -- see, this show is a study in contradictions!

Gnarls Barkley's new single is a cover of Violent Femmes' Gone Daddy Gone. I like it. I like how he sings every lyric quite clearly even though they may be slurred/screeched in the original. As in, "I could you love you babys a crime." Or is it cryin'?

You may know their (his? is it a guy or a band?) ubiquitous song about "maybe you're crazy, maybe I'm crazy, probably." You know the one? Here's what this song has achieved: the first radio station I heard it on was Drive 105 (alternative). The next station was KCLD (top forty pop/rock/hip hop in St. Cloud). The next was probably Cities 97 or Kiss 96. But the last? Mix 94.9. Next stop is Light 99! Maybe! Maybe it's already there! This is unusual!

At work, scheduling is complicated. Jen, how did you do it?

How does anyone do anything? I really want to know.

Another friend was telling me about her new house. It's in Colorado in a place called Pooter Canyon. Ok, it's actually Poutier Canyon, but everybody pronounces it Pooter. It's near Fort Collins. Sounds very cool. Their backyard will be adjacent to a mountain. Can't beat that.

I broke my September 11th resolution

and listened to NPR today. Most of the day I had it turned down so low it was an indistinguishable murmur.

In Memoriam

I feel remiss in not posting this sooner.

I thought you should know that Jerry the Turtle, who inspired the name of this blog over a year ago, has passed on. After a long illness, and an abundance of medical attention for such a little guy, he left this world about a week and a half ago if I remember correctly.

He leaves behind him his girlfriend Mary and some little fish in his tank that he stopped catching and eating since he got sick. Also crapnasty and the boys. In lieu of flowers, the family has requested that friends honor Jerry's memory through Amnesty International.

They actually requested no such thing.

My morning so far

I just realized I've been watching Dick Cheney on Meet the Press for the past half hour.

Turning the channel to a Bette Davis movie and going online seemed like an excellent alternative to madness.

Of course I could be doing many more virtuous, rewarding, productive, and/or cool things.

This is what happens while you ask your stupid questions

The other side of the phone line.

Actually, this is clean. I never did this (HA!) but I have heard that CSRs sometimes hit the mute button to let their co-workers know that the person on their current call is, perhaps, a fucking douchebag motherfucker.

Good times. I miss it so.

The ultimate blog post?

From Wired by way of Cute Overload.

FARK: Drunk frat boy in Florida has sex with underage donkey, sues Strong Bad for negligence. Still no cure for overused in-jokes.

Slashdot: AMD, SCO patent MP3 over TCP/IP, sue ATI, EA. Microsoft probably responsible somehow.

Cute Overload: A kitten licks a puppy while the puppy licks a bunny.

Fleshbot: Same as Cute Overload, only with coeds.

I'm trying to think what would be the ultimate post for this blog... a link to something I read or something that pisses me off or a thing that happened at work.

How about for your own blog?

News that isn't surprising

You know those ads about how if you smoke pot you'll inevitably run over a precious little tyke with your car, you stoned loser you? Well, appaaaaaarantly, that ad and the rest of the series didn't work. And the government sat on the results for a year. In fact most big drug deterrence programs, like DARE and shit like that are a total waste of taxpayers money. No, wait, worse than a waste of money: kids who are exposed to these ads were actually MORE likely to use drugs. And not for the reasons the ads bother me, that they are manipulative and inaccurate; just because they keep mentioning drugs, keep them at the top of the kiddies' fragile lil minds.

Back in the day was when we had the really cool anti-drug ads. I was watching a Scrubs re-run last night when they referenced the "I learned it from watching you, Dad!" one. That was cool. I thought I was the only one who remembered that. Anybody remember the one for smoking with the classic line (the only part I can remember) "He's all slimy and gross and smells like a butt!"?

What's your favorite anti-drug propaganda?

WhatEVER!

I remember a few (maybe more than a few?) months ago I was talking to a couple of friends, one of whom was also at a company that was being sold to some chump-ass company. She asked me what I wanted to do next. I said I was thinking about human resources. She and her husband gasped. "No! Don't become one of those evil soulless machines!"

In my current job, I have a few soulless machine responsibilities, such as schedules, and I'm almost beginning to see how it can, you know, start to get to you. People want to change their damn schedules all the damn time!

Everybody is pretty cool in my department, but then, how would I know if we were evil or not? I'm on the inside, man. I got no perspective.

We're totally not evil, though, I'm pretty sure. Just fill out your fucking form right the first time and we won't have any problems, capisce?

Interesting blogs and websites

...some that I may have linked before, but I'm too lazy to check.

Worker 3116. Last week's Gawker guest editor. He's got a lot of funny funny hate to share.

One Horse Shy. funny t-shirts, so rare on the web these days.

Oriental Trading Company. Omigod, Halloween is coming! Time to stock up on spooky webs and glow in the dark random shit. I love Halloween. It's my personal favorite in the triumvirate of party holidays. The other two are New Year's Eve and St. Patrick's Day.

Misemployed. Funny Mpls blogger with the her own take on the usual day to day struggles of life and an interesting part-time job.

Afterglide. Another Minneapolitan; this one's a North Dakota native, obsessed with poop. Funny.

A night at the Ritz

I went to the Lit6 season premiere last night. Chris asked me to help her at the door. It was fun, and I got in free. And we got to use handstamps. I was a bit caught up in taking money, making change, asking people if they wanted the red stamp, the blue stamp or one of each (I totally recommend one of each), and crossing names off The List, that I forgot to tally how many people came in. I think more than 150, less than 200.

Highlights in no order:
-When Steph saw me walking towards the theater, she announced, "Something Dirty this way comes!"
-I met Rand. He is very cool. I'm not just saying that because he reads this.
-All the ladies from the writing class were there: Chris (of course), Heidi, Ginny, and Haley. I miss those guys, writing and talking and drinking wine with them.
-At any given time the universe is giving you what you need.
-Can openers, and pens were mentioned.
-The beer was excellent. The theater is gorgeous, the restrooms well appointed, the water fountains dispensing deliciously cold water.
-I told Geoff's mom she should go check out the gift bags from the Smitten Kitten. Heh. I don't think she picked one up.
-I do know those things went like hotcakes, hotcakes with free lube that is. There was a variety of bags, some including items with multiple speeds. One lucky man was brandishing his new cock rings -- on his hands -- after the show.
-The band Big Trouble performed too. They are having guest bands at all the shows this season I think.
-I picked up a copy of The Rake, another show sponsor along with the Smitten Kitten and Summit. Steph Ash is in there. You should totally read this.


This one is not a highlight, not really a lowlight either: I couldn't sit still so I watched the show from the left door for a while. Then I went upstairs for a bit; I know the identity of the heckler! It wasn't me but I'll tell you who it was for a dollar! It was cute heckling actually. Then I went back downstairs and hung out by the right door. I tried to make sure my perambulations weren't noticeable or distracting to the audience or performers. I sat on the floor for a while.

It rained like a sumbitch on the way there and back. I think the power was out in part of St. Cloud, at least the traffic lights weren't working. It looked eerie. I was very tired and I kept thinking, did I make a wrong turn? Am I about to come up to the light at Clearwater Road or am I about to realize I'm in St. Augusta or somewhere totally random? Ah but that was a mere moment of doubt. Soon I knew I was in civilization and soon after that I was home.

A Slate writer's take on the state fair

Here it is. He sounds like he'd be fun to go with, huh?

Fun with e-mail forwarding

I just received the following e-mail forward from a very sweet, well-intentioned mother of an Iraq vet. This is the same lady who didn't want to even go into Starbucks after a similar e-mail a few years ago.

> > > Look who owns Target
...
"Recently we asked the local TARGET store to be a proud sponsor of the Vietnam Veterans Memorial Wall during our spring recognition event. We received the following reply from the local TARGET management: "Veterans do not meet our area of giving. We only donate to the arts, social action groups, gay & lesbian causes, and education."
...
Then as I dig further, TARGET is a French-owned corporation. Now, I'm thinking again. If TARGET cannot support American Veterans, then why should my family and I support their stores by spending our hard earned American dollars! And,have their profits sent to France. Without the American Vets, where would France be today? "They, most likely would be speaking German and trading in Deutsch Marks"
Sincerely,
Dick Forrey
Veterans Helping Veterans
Please send this on to everyone you know to let Target know we don't need them either !

Yeah! You tell 'em! I replied to let her know that Target is, in fact, not French (the pronunciation Tar-zhay notwithstanding). Didn't really go into the rest of it. Didn't want to make her feel bad. Doesn't it sound like a joke right away? Them there Frenchies and their homo-loving agenda? But it was a real e-mail. Check out the full e-mail and background, including Dick Forrey's apology to Target if you like. http://www.dcmsoft.com/rumor/story/target.htm

How do you handle things like this? Some might send a reply telling the sender to fuck off and stop being so stupid. Not my style.
Also, she's not stupid, just susceptible to an error most of us are, I think.

The Good Humor Man can only be pushed so far.

This is a good episode of the Simpson, Two Dozen and One Dalmations. "See my vest, see my vest, it's a real gorilla chest!"

It's awesome.

Tagged by Neha

I am thinking about: how everything is miraculously interconnected and ultimately meaningless.

I want to: be cooler.

I wish: I had a small trust fund.

I hear: the fan, the tv, the clicking of the keyboard (I wouldn't have thought of that if I hadn't read neha's list first)

I wonder: how different things would be if just a little thing changed; like what if I never had a blog?

I regret: too much. I wish I had a time machine and I could go back and slap myself around.

I am: therefore I think. (I think that I am lame is what I think.)

I dance: not as much as I'd like. But I have to be in the right mood, or a little drunk, or both.

I sing: when I am driving.

I cry: like a silly little girl.

I make with my hands: obscene gestures.

I write: whatever pops into my head.

I confuse: left and right, positive and negative, order and degree.

I need: someone, a person to talk to.

And finally: what was the point of this? What wasn't the point of this? It's practically the point of everything!

I am tagging
jumper?
CN?
Bloppie?
Rainbow?
Voix?
Rand?
G-Herb?

While I'm blogging so prolifically...

may I immodestly say that this is the best blog URL I've seen the last couple of days?


http://paydayloanebaydietpillfreestuff.blogspot.com/

The content is worthless, but at least there's not much of it!

And so we are done...

I think Blogger is freaking out. Too much traffic? Had to reboot again anyway.

So glad The Office won! Great speech too. It's been said elsewhere, but this is the rare show where the cast looks way much better off the show than on. They really nail the office look. It's weird, when I started watching The Office, I was sure it was doomed, for any show that I like is surely doomed. It could get crappy this season. Shouldn't have said that. Now it's totally doomed.

24 won, I'm sure they deserved it, but I prefer House. I know that show is totally formulaic and predictable, and occasionally maudlin, more often smug, but I still like it. It's funny how a show can be so smart and so dumb at the same time. Reminds me of somebody...who? Who could it be? I know it's someone who lives in my apartment, but the name eludes me.

Next post: how to fix my computer. I was thinking of backing up all the shit I want to save on an external hard drive, then like, doing something that would take it back to the beginning but with a better OS. I don't know what it's called. I don't want to reformat the hard drive, do I? Or do I? Ok, I'll try that. :) See ya later.

Hour three: The insaning

Charlie's Angels: So much plastic surgery! Farrah Fawcett is getting twitchy. I can't wait til she jumps off the stage and starts stabbing Chris Meloni with a kitchen knife she hid in her bodice.

No? Not so much. I guess.

Boring speeches with shots of stars in the audience trying to look thoughtful. Some where in heaven Aaron Spelling is sleeping.

Eva Longoria looks sort of odd. I know my tv sucks, but is she completely orange all over?

Yeah! Colbert and Stewart! Can you tell I'm a fan? Ah good work. I'm mad Steve Colbert lost to Barry Manilow, too.

How do you choose the best reality show? Isn't that like choosing your favorite kind of poop? You know what I've noticed? Like, everyone I know except one or two people, enjoys reality tv on some level. Especially those who hardly ever watch tv, they're all "I don't watch much tv. I have better things to do." Then they find themselves, on a rainy afternoon watching hour after hour of Laguna Beach or Project Runway.

Wow. 9:26. I'm six minutes behind the broadcast. Jealous?

I'm bored but I can't stop watching and blogging and watching.
Perhaps it's because I have other shit to do. Nah, I never procrastinate.

Now it's the best part: All the People Who Died. I didn't realize how many cool people died. Richard Pryor, Darren McGavin, Al Lewis. I so sad. What a fucking downer! Christ.

I'm about a minute behind the broadcast; it's 9:35. Will somebody call me if Bob Newhart passes out?

My computer crashed again and lost my brilliant comments on Helen Mirren's 'ass over tit' comment. And the funniness that followed. I'm impressed that so many people are either able to improvise or deliver quickly written material so well.

How's this for insult added to injury? Five actresses, four from cancelled shows and the one who still has a job wins?
Damn, that's cold.

I didn't know Peter Krause's last name was pronounced 'krauzah'. Isn't he from Minnesota or something?

Kiefer Sutherland won for actor in a drama. Remember when Julia Roberts left him at the altar? No? Me neither.

Hour two

Hee. Damn.

Simon Cowell.
I don't understand people. How is this guy so popular/hated? I don't like American Idol, at all. And I'm going to fast forward thru most of the Dick Clark tribute.

...Aw, no. His speech was quite sweet.

Oh, a callback to the trapped-Bob-Newhart joke. Good times.

Evangaline Lilly: great dress. Creative arts Emmys: borrrring.

Guest stars on dramas are often the best part. Doesn't Christina Ricci look weird?

HBO has the most nominations this year, 95... I haven't had any premium channels since May and I didn't miss them after the first week. Except maybe Penn & Teller Bullshit. Why didn't that get nominated for something?
................
Howie Mandel and Megan Mullaly. Fast forward!

This is the lamest pseudo liveblogging ever. Actually I haven't read any liveblogging since I quit my daily Gawker/Defamer habit.

Ha! The director of the Emmys one for last year's Oscars. Sweet. You would think he'd keep his speech a bit shorter. THey're giving him the music! Ha! And he's directing the cameras thru out his speech. That was pretty cool.

LOL. Funny things happening on the teevee. Too complicated to ype. Wouldn't be funny anyway.

I'm glad I'm wasting my time like this.
>>>>>>>>>>>

Why didn't Colbert go up with the rest of the Daily Show guys? He was on their nominee list as a writer. Wouldn't that be a swell job? Lots of pressure however. I've heard that comedy is tragedy plus time. Their turnaround time on the tragedy that is world news is a bit too fast for me to keep up with sometimes.

Oh! Mah! God! TiVo just had a guest spot!
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

Hearing Hugh Laurie's real accent is kind of weird.... fortunately (?) he's speaking French.

I don't like Matthew Perry's hair! But he's still very funny.
Bradley Whitford is graying.
Both look swell in their suits. Grrr.

Don't know who to root for for best comedy actor except "not Charlie Sheen".
Eh Tony Shalhoug won, that's cool. He's acting all nervous and a bit Monk-ish... oh but it's all an act. I think Kevin James is going to kick his ass in the parking lot.
******************

What the fuck is Candace Bergin wearing?

It's 9:13. I'm at 8:55. Catchin' up!

Aaron Spelling tribute. Ok, I feel churlish, but fast forward! On to hour three... wait did whatsisface say "He made tv that just tasted good."? My, he was a goofy looking young man. Who actually looks better old and gnarled? Aaron Spelling does; god rest his soul.

The Emmy Awards

How dumb is this show? It's pretty dumb. Why am I still watching?
______________
No, it's really just the preshow that sucks. The entertainment reporters, particularly Billy Bush are snide and passive aggressive and at least half of the stars they snag for their interviews are visibly uncomfortable.
+++++

I'm watching this on TiVo, and I had to reboot my computer seventeen thousand times, so I'm about half an hour behind on the broadcast. It isn't exactly live blogging, but whatevers. The intro is pretty cool.

Conan O'Brien's plane crashes on the way to the Emmys. He ends up on The Lost's island, and decides to go down the mysterious hatch... which takes him to The Office. He climbs down, and Dwight goes, "Dammit, Jim!"

Jim: "No, I did not have Conan O'Brien drop down from the ceiling."

Then Michael makes a lame joke, Conan makes an Officey-type interview comment about the potential for "will they-won't they sexual tension that ultimately goes nowhere" with Pam and makes his exit.

Now he's on 24, and I don't care again.

Ooh, it's House. Good times. He's giving Conie whatfor. He seems to be diagnosing him as pasty and flaccid.
Now he's on South Park... the "In the closet" episode. So best!
Ooh big applause from the audience for calling Tom Cruise gay, or at least picturing him you know in the 'closet'.

Now Conan's on Dateline: To Catch A Predator. Conebone69. He makes a run for it. He's there, a-hosting. I'm 45 minutes behind the broadcast.

I used to like watching Late Night, but lately he's gotten a bit lame. Like he hits the punch lines too hard and aims for Leno-esque applause over edgy humor. He is doing well so far tonight... I don't know how much longer I can watch this. Thank Jebus for fast forward.

His instruction to winners: Don't thank your parents in your acceptance speech; if you grew up in a happy well-adjusted home you wouldn't be in show biz.

More goodness! A musical number! Take off of The Music Man. "We got trouble, with a capital T and that rhymes with G as in gee, we're screwed." About NBC of course.
Lerve it. Can't believe this is how I'm spending my Sunday night, this is much better than what I originally had planned.

Megan Mullally won. She annoys me, I'm skipping her speech.
+++++
If I keep skipping the winner's speeches I'll be caught up pretty quick.

I love the authoritarian/efficiency expert thing Conan is doing. He's got Bob Newhart in a sealed glass tube with exactly 3 hours worth of air. Better keep them speeches short.

================
Blythe Danner won! Awesome. And she looks great. Huff was a good show.

Will Arnett wuz robbed. Anybody disagree?

Kelly McDonald has a very pretty dress. I know I've seen her in something else, what was it? Love that accent.

8:24: I'm 40 minutes behind the broadcast. Who's even still reading? Bob Newhart looks nervous.

John Lithgow: lovably annoying. Heidi Klum reads surprisingly well.

How to pick between the Daily Show and the Colbert Report?
Do you think Jon and Stephen have tension? Jon's a producer on le Report, n'est pas? So anywhoo, The Daily Show won!

Cloris Leachman just shook her tits!
And while I was rooting for Arrested Development, the My Name is Earl dude gave a wonderful acceptance speech.

Movies I would really like to see

From Slate's movie title contest, inspired by the brilliantly named Snakes on a Plane.

Apes at a Rave
That's Not Sangria!
Handcuffed to Tigers
Stop Doing Crimes!
Woody Allen Is Too Old For This
The Uplifting Retard (yeah, it's offensive. it's meant to be)
This Movie Effing Scared Japanese Color

I just put on black nail polish.

It seemed like the thing to do.

I also just heard a good quote from a commercial for Monk: "It's going to be a great party. I'm not completely dreading it." I elected to stay home and vegetate in front of the teevee in lieu of my many exciting invites to various society events: charity balls, seances, waterskiing shows, bars.

A few days ago on NPR, a few campaign staffers were touting the merits of their particular candidates. One said of Mike Hatch "You gotta admire his skepticism."

I don't know. I was going to vote for him, but he comes off as a bit of a douchebag. And he doesn't play well with others, but that worked out great with Ventura, right? Thus ends my cogent, insightful political analysis.

Anybody want to tell me who to vote for?

Will you still be my friend if I wear black nail polish?

Just got back from the mall. I have some bad news.

E (crapnasty) is the one who brought this issue up, I mean I noticed, but she really brought it into focus. I don't think she's going to blog about it, so it's my job to share this bad news. Ok, the 80s are back, and not like last year or the year before, but in a big, awful way. Some people can do the look (like the fine women of Ear Candy and many others of my acquaintance), I don't think most can. Leggings? The skinny jean? Oversized sweater, in fuschia stripes accented with a big ol' belt.

We discussed stock piling boot cut jeans in case the skinny-skinny legged jeans threaten to take over the stores like the extreme low-rise did so very recently. It's not a flattering look for most women, and you know what comes next? Looser pants, but tapered. After all the missionary work Oprah has done along with the ladies from the British show What Not To Wear.

I feel like TiVo really "gets me" today, you know?

While I was at work it recorded The Shop Around the Corner and The Princess Bride. What a pal!

It's that time of year

Coming up on the anniversary of the 9/11 attacks. Ok, it's like 3 weeks away, but between that and Hurricane Katrina's first anniversary, you know, I want to avoid all the misery retrospectives coming down the pike. I don't want to see any movies about it, any news specials or footage from the day. I don't want to read about it, see pictures of Ground Zero and the families. I don't want to hear politicians make speeches. I don't want to read dumbass blogs about it : ). I can't believe it's been five years, can you?

I think I will stop listening to NPR for a couple of weeks, switch the radio back to Lite 99 for a bit, because I imagine they'll be all newsy on that shit. Is it self-centered or something, if I avoid reading, watching, hearing all the tributes and stuff? Remember that fall, being glued to the TV for weeks? Whenever the new fall tv shows come out, I remember how they pushed back all the premieres that year. Remember the celebrities, dressing down for the Emmy's out of respect? How nice.

I was watching the Today Show before work that day, which I never did, and haven't since. Remember the dawning realization, the second plane hitting? The papers from all those offices floating through the sky? Some assholes are marketing a September 11th memorial collectible coin. The World Trade Center folds up and it's made from metal from the vaults under the World Trade Center. Who wouldn't want to own that?

It's raining like a sumbitch again.

Learn more about yourself.

Take the CIA Career Quiz!


It's way dumb!

Some days, nothing goes right.

What does TiVo think of me?

Tivo sometimes uses the extra DVR space to record stuff for me that it thinks I will like. It recorded Legends of the Fall, A Few Good Men and While You Were Sleeping for me last night. Now, I've seen these movies, and they are ok but not anything I'd seek out to watch; I'm going to delete them forthwith. Currently it's recording Meet the Parents and at least twice a week I get an episode of The Twilight Zone. One Friday it recorded three straight hours of home improvement type shows like While You Were Out, Debbie Travis' Painted House and the oddly-named I Want That! Kitchens.

TiVo has these little keys, Thumbs Up and Thumbs Down that you use to indicate shows you like or hate. So I guess I must have liked something related to these shows... Yep, I clicked on a couple of Brad Pitt movies, hence Legends of the Fall. And according to TiVo, Meet the Parents and A Few Good Men are both 'similar programs' to Ferris Bueller's Day Off. Sometimes I get mildly offended by some of the things TiVo suggests for me. Like what makes you think I want to watch Cribs? Or any reality show, especially on MTV? I'm trying to think what I clicked on to give that impression.

The Daily Show's list of similar programs is fairly spot on. It lists Chappelle's Show, Arrested Development, Scrubs (my favorite cancelled or nearly cancelled shows). Also, Office Space, The Office, SNL, South Park, The Simpsons.

Because I used to record the X-Files regularly, all manner of inferior sci-fi is recommended for me. Don't they get it? Stargate is not the same! And I thumbsed up (yeah, I said thumbsed up) Starsky & Hutch (the movie, for the butterscotch stallion, natch) and TiVo thinks that means I wanna watch The Whole Ten Yards? You don't know me at all!

There have been some software updates recently that I have found discomfiting. Fer instance, instead of Pick Programs to Record, the menu now invites me to Find Programs. And there's a Recently Deleted Items folder, so if you accidentally hit delete, the Very Special Episode of Blossom isn't gone and lost forever, you can recover that shit if you want. It's convenient but it's weird and new and upsetting.

There are also little ads at the bottom, for movies, cars, Disneyland; you just click on it to play the ad or request information. One of the ads says TiVo wants me to throw it a party? (What a weird marketing thing. Check out http://www.houseparty.com. Huh? Coffee house party? K-Mart house party?)

Would you go to a TiVo party? Any pretext for a party is great, but TiVo isn't as party friendly as say, Tupperware or sex toys. If for some bizarre reason I do end up having the TiVo party -- or tupperware and/or sex toys for that matter -- I wouldn't expect anyone to buy stuff. That's not what a party should be about. It's supposed to be about drinking, people, and we shouldn't sully that with commerce.

DEATH TO CAPS LOCK?

This seems slightly excessive. It's annoying when abused, but I have two programs at work that require all caps, well I guess it just makes using them way easier, but anyways. They are proposing doing away with the key entirely because of annoying people who abuse it and because with case-sensitive passwords, sometimes you gotta retype it if you have caps lock on. Boo hoo. Who has the energy to turn this into their big cause?

Here's the story from Wired.

Conclusion: kids are dumb

On Dateline they had this story about food advertising to kids and how well it works. The reporter did a little experiment: show a bunch of preschoolers two cupcakes, one decorated with a frosting American flag (wouldn't eating the flag be as direspectful as, say, burning it?) and and one with Spider Man. They chose Spider Man every time, little commie bastards.

Then the newsteam upped the ante: what if the kids had to choose between a plain cupcake and a banana covered with Spider Man, Scooby Doo and Spongebob stickers? The tiny, adorable idiots overwhelmingly chose the banana.

Then, oh! then, they did the final test: sticker-free banana vs. rock with cartoon stickers and asked the tykes which one they would want for breakfast. Most of the kids chose the rock. Now, this wasn't scientific, they didn't give the stats, there was no double blind. Just a bunch of shots of kids pointing at decorated rocks. There was one hilarious exchange. The reporter chick kept repeating "No, for breakfast. No, for breakfast," and the little girl was like, yeah, I know, I want that one, Spongebob wouldn't steer me wrong.

So we shouldn't advertise to lil kids because they are dumb enough to fall for it? Whatevs, I'm going to let the free market sort this out.

Healthy goodness from WebMD

Club drug cures depression? I know, right? It's medicinal, bitch.
Don't be a sucker. Harriet would love this.
What not to mix with your booze. But I like being combative and agitated when I drink.
Fizzy drinks don't cause cancer. Suddenly that soda is oddly less alluring.
Naps help babies learn. Stupid lazy babies, always looking for an excuse.

Did you know ...

An Inconvenient Truth has a soundtrack/music video tie in? Shit. Polar bears are drowning, people! I gotta get to Glacier National Park while it still has glaciers. Fuck. I knew watching VH1 was a bad idea. The environment is a pain in the ass, I say we get rid of it. At least I watched this video on fast forward. But now I really wanna see Al Gore's multi-million dollar Power Point movie. And I'm still not interesting in the music of Melissa Etheridge. Borrring!

Now I'm watching Snow Patrol, very interesting, the guy is singing about how he'll lay here, just lay here. And in the video he just lays there and sings in a variety of settings. Mountainside, floor of a subway car (very unhygeinic). Boring song but ok for background music.

And that concludes my music video review.

Oh a filing we will go

New jobs can be interesting, or very dull, or sort of a mix of both. I did some overtime last night and tonight. I am just doing some sort of filing crap. It's sort of tedious, mind numbing, time consuming. My boss and I are fine with the first two, it's the last one that is causing a problem. Today she actually told me she finds it hard to believe that I only got x amount of work done in y amount of time (where x and y are some numbers I can't remember).

So I tried to go a lot faster tonight, be more efficient (she has little notes about efficiency all over her office), but it still took a hella long time. Still not done. She'll probably be pissed, but what are ya gonna do?

Another funny website name?

www.viagrafix.com

'Via graphics', but spelled different, get it? No?

At the end of the weekend.

I only made it to one of the hospitals today, MINCEP at Abbot Northwestern. My 2nd oldest brother has been there for about a week. Hopefully he will have his seizures better managed -- maybe completely gone but can't get our hopes up too high. My parents and one of my other brothers went to visit him, we watched movies and hung out. It's a pretty swanky hospital, if he wasn't all wired up and had to stay in the department and maybe if he could go outside once or twice a day for a smoke, it wouldn't be so bad.

A handy resource

Movie quotes

Good times.

I don't feel so good, so I came home early tonight. No good reason except maybe I overdid it last night and it's just hitting me now? Oh well, what are ya gonna do? I'm going to drink some water and go to sleep. Seriously, what the hell?

Ok. That went well.

The show-thing at the Ritz Theater. It was a good time. If you missed it, I pity you, but the podcast should be available somewhere or other eventually, perhaps.

I'm a bit tired today, but there's lots o'weekend to go. Today: work at the candle store, out to the bar for whatshisface's birthday, then tomorrow I may get to visit as many as two hospitals (don't worry, nobody's dying)! Very exciting.

I have a lot of thoughts rolling around in my head, perhaps some of them can be expressed in blog form.
Um, people are awesome? I like sitting in a yard. Talking to some people I know and others I don't know, but who know people that I know and have very interesting things to say. Further more, I forgot how much I like the smell of an empty theater. And I had a sidecar for the first time. Quite a delicious drink that is.

Longer posts to come!

Thrill to a tale of grocery shopping gone mildly awry!

Look at pictures of kittens stolen from other websites!

Click on links to an article about some damn thing from Slate or maybe The Village Voice!


Read about the controversial switch from Brach's mixed candy to sugarfree mints in the candy bowl at work and also read my weak, poorly defended attempt to turn it into a metaphor about life!

All this and more... coming soon.

"I don't think adequate is quite the superlative you thought it was."

I'm really going to bed now. At least I'm going to lay on the couch and not think, watch tv, etc. Nope, no etc. Just watch tv and and not think.

Living hell is the best revenge.
- Adrienne E. Gusoff

The consolation of philosophy

There is probably a book called that or something, I don't know and I'm too lazy to google.

I was disappointed but now I'm not.

I've been watching NewsRadio on Nikelodeon. I was beginning to think the show had lost the je ne sais quoi, zat certain zomezing I always loved about it. Then I saw this episode:
"Well, you ripped out its heart, and shoved it down its throat. Then you put the whole thing through a meat grinder, then you cooked it up, ate it with a spoon and barfed it back onto a cassette tape."
Remember that one? This line too: The! crack! of! the! bat! the! roar! of! the! crowd! And Speedo Freedom, or Speedom.
Good stuff.

ha ha ha ha

Unintentionally funny web URLs.
Very funny stuff.

Count Your Blessings -- and Your Money: Money Matters - Yahoo! Finance

Count Your Blessings -- and Your Money: Money Matters - Yahoo! Finance

I think I was talking about this subject with somebody this weekend. I agree with Suze Orman. Money can't buy happiness, but being flat broke can sure make you unhappy pretty quick. It's not about how much money you have, just that you have just enough and how you use it.

What up?

Last night I drank white wine (with ice, of course) and beer (no ice. Ms. M got blood blisters opening the beer bottles with pliers, I owe her a bottle opener at the very very least). I also played Cranium. It was fun. I always forget how fun board games can be. Board games are the new black. I dub them cool. Sadly, my declaration does not have the force of law, or of actual coolness.

Cranium is fun because the categories are good for almost everybody, combining elements of Pictionary, trivia, charades and word games. It's simple but has variety. There's not much trickiness. The only strategy I can think of for this game is not to put the nerds on the same team. Nerd power multiplies.

Some games are way too fucking complicated. Like a lot of card games. Is it sad that I don't have the patience or concentration to learn the rules to pinochle? Phase Ten? Sometimes I get lost during Go Fish and forget who's turn it is.

This morning I watched QVC. It was delicious.

How may I correct your doll?

The new job is going well. I'm getting faster at my little tasks, so I'm glad to be learning more stuff so I don't just sit there bored. I press a lot of buttons and sometimes I get to walk around and go get stuff and bring stuff to places.

Also: The new hair is fine, not too crazy, not too boring. I love the way my hair feels right after it's colored. They got them good conditioners these days.

Hair color adventures!

CN went blonde! It looks awesome!

And I finally used the box of light auburn haircolor I've had around for a few weeks. In fact, it's soaking into my follicles as we speak. I got 23 minutes left. I probably shouldn't dye my hair at 11 on a Sunday night, huh? I won't see how it really looks til 7:30 tomorrow. Then it will be too late.

We're doing casual wear at work next week. That will be super fun, I guess. Everybody in HR/Admin seems excited, but a little nervous about what people will decide is suitable for casual, yet work appropriate clothes. Maybe when I've worked there longer I'll really get how novel and awesome it is to wear jeans and flip flops to work.

Oh, and there are no socks required. I'm so excited to see people look normal in sandals.

On a sock/sandal note: I thought I read something this weekend about the menswear fall fashion shows, but it must have been a fevered dream. I thought it said that big slouchy socks with sandals were all over the runways. Cripes. Here is the thing that I read.

Well, I have to go rinse out the color now. Wish me luck.

This is kind of cool.

The reporter guy didn't use any of his interview with me, but I forgive him. I wouldn't have either. I said 'um' and 'I dunno' a lot. He did quote Hon Bun, and that is AWESOME.

Here's the article.

And some quotes from various MN bloggers, including one from yours truly that didn't seem funny at the time but I guess it was, huh? Here's my favorite: "i want a jeep so bad it tears my soul apart. the older i get, the more i realize that i am not my honda civic and my honda civic is not me." - Christa, on Big Giant Tampon Commercial

Here's an interesting article.

Immigrant children's roles open to interpretation


I think anyone who has worked in customer service over the phone has dealt with this: A very young sounding kid interpreting for their parents. "My mom says this bill doesn't look right. What is this charge for?" We had a translation service at my last job but many times they didn't want to do that. And most of the time I worked there they had one Spanish speaking rep who was almost never available. And couldn't really help with our Somalian, Hmong, etc, customers. Most of the parents know some English but I guess they want to be sure they are getting everything right. I feel bad for some of these kids, it seems like too much responsibility. And it sucks to tell a kid who sounds like he's ten years old at most, "You should tell your dad that we can't turn the phone back on until the bill is paid."

A lot of kids have to take on some sort of grown-up responsibility in their homes -- babysitting, watching out for irresponisble parents, shopping, taking care of the house. Not just ordinary chores, but stuff that is typically the domain of an adult. Sometimes these kids totally rebel, sometimes they turn out to be super competent, capable adults.

I'm not one of those "Don't move here if ya cain't speak English" types. Just because you talk to someone who doesn't speak English on the day you happen to talk to them doesn't mean they aren't trying to learn. And I bet it's hard to find time to study when you have three kids and you are working 12 hour days at a crappy job.

Yeah well, good article.

Word verification

I had to turn on the word verification because there was a sudden influx of spam. Got along without it for a while. I don't like having it because I suck at it -- I always get the ones with two u's or a bunch of m's and l's that I can't make out.

Big night in: A big long post

I went to my friend's apartment tonight. She is in a crisis, a pivotal moment in her life. Another friend came over too, she is staying overnight and going back home in the morning. We talked and talked and talked. We baked cookies, watched tv. Talked some more. About what jail was like, stuff like that. It was a good night.

People have asked my why I even bother with this crisis-friend anymore, after all the shit that has gone down. I guess I was waiting for something like this to happen. I wish it hadn't, but as I posted before it could have been worse. Don't you believe in redemption? I do.

(By the way, the incident happened slightly different than they reported in the paper, let me know if you want details. For those who don't know what I'm talking about, if you're really curious e-mail me. It's not exactly a secret, but it's not what this post is really about.)

So, she is finally acknowledging her problem with alcohol. She is going for treatment. She is letting us tell her that she is neither perfect nor awful, she is just a human being. Right now, she is full of fear and humility and wants so bad to stay sober. She's paving hell with energy and good intentions. She thought everyone would hate her when her big secret came out. She knows she did a horrible thing and she will be paying for it for a long time. But, miraculously, her friends, family, boyfriend, even co-workers are standing behind her.

I am not trying to minimize her responsibility, her past bad behavior, all the fucked up things that have happened. There's no way I could or that I would even want to. She commited a very serious offense. We will not try to allay her guilt. We will not take her bullshit anymore. Those of us who didn't know everything that was going on are thinking back and wondering how they missed it. Those of us who knew way too much about it are torn between wishing we could have helped her and knowing we couldn't fix her. Maybe, she will learn that people (like me) who she thought abandoned her, were hating the way she was acting, not hating her. Well, sometimes I did hate her. I don't have the energy to hate her or be mad at her right now. It doesn't do anything for me.

I've complained about this friend a lot. I have cut her from my friends list a couple of times over the ten years we've known each other. I know that it may take a few tries for her to get off the sauce, and handle all the stuff that comes along with it. I'm willing to give being her friend a try.

I was going to write something about lessons to be learned, friendship and how it gets all fucked around. I don't know. I'm tired. I will say, how often do you get a chance to really help someone out? And hey, I won't stop being your friend even if you may be charged with a felony or two. Really.

Oh, no. I like my job.

The people are pretty ok. No, no, kids, they'll never replace you. But I think you'd like them too. Well, mostly.

The pay is low, like sad low. I think it may become boring in the next three to four weeks. But it keeps me busy.

It's been a fine weekend, hasn't it?

The Potter Barn catalog was a good read as always. Not as riveting as Garnet Hill or Levenger, but good. Tomorrow I go to my regular schedule at work.

Aridity

I've decided that 'aridity' is the word for today. Doesn't it seem to fit? Sure it's humid outside but whatever.

Today I've read many dozens of pages of The Island of the Day Before. Regular readers may recall that I've had this book for months and months. I have an excuse for my slowness: I haven't been reading much lately, haven't finished a magazine cover to cover, while I used to be a two-books-a-week kind of girl. I have begun to read more again.But I have a headache now and I'm going to read the Pottery Barn catalog instead. I'm going from, "Oh, god, what the hell is he talking about?", to "Oh, god, I really want that couch."

Happy Birthday, Dear Blog.

Yes, yes, one year ago today, Jerrry the Turtle (the blog, not the turtle) came into being. Ah, the halcyon days of youth. Here's some of my favorites... ah nah, I don't feel like going back and rereading all that stuff. It's too fucking hot.

Blogging has had its ups and downs, times when I took a break, other crap. I've met some really wonderful people and I'm glad to know you all. I hope I can also continue use this blog to keep in touch with my former co-workers, who are each wonderful in their respective wonderfulness.

I went walking this morning, thinking to enjoy the day before it became awful and sweltering. I only made it about half a mile. The geese were sitting in the shade and weren't happy to have me walk by; I was going to find another route, when I realized my water bottle was already empty. So home I went, then off for a couple of errands. I tried walking at the mall, too goddamn crowded. Fucking Saturdays.

So now, though I can see the sky is a pure blue and the sun is pure too and everything looks lovely through my window, gentle breeze and all, I will spend most of today inside with the AC on, watching TV, maybe even reading.

Something happened that was probably inevitable.

I've heard that addicts sometimes need to hit bottom before they can see that they need help. A friend of mine has been trying to find her lowest point for quite some time now. Hopefully this is it. I don't know how much worse it can get. No one is dead at least. And the commenters on our local paper's website find the incident quite humorous. So that's good.

Per G. Herbach e-mail, "Lit 6 Project Summer RAMPS UP"

Here's the bestest part:

August 11th! Steph Wilbur Ash's Lit Sixtitute Class (Women who Write about Women who do F-ed up Stuff) performs at the Ritz Theater Backroom. They have a whole incredibly wild reading getting shaped. Joined by the mega-girl-group Ear Candy. This show will blow your mind. All women. All pain. Incredible. YEAH!!!! 6 p.m.

Also, less me-intensive, but still potentially interesting...

July 23rd! Have you ever seen Project Runway? Whacked out designers get an assignment to make some crazy clothes, work with some guidance all day, show their creations at the end? How about Lit 6 Project Runway? On July 23rd we will meet with all comers at 9 a.m. at our offices (711 W. Lake, #307), give a prompt and let the writing begin.
This is a guerilla workshop. Together we will write themed pieces for performance (at the Nomad World Pub, 6 p.m.) that same day! We will go into character, dialogue, setting and performance. We will provide food, encouragement and libation. We will bring it that night! Have some music you want to do with it? Have some theme related clothes you want to make? Let's do it. The show will be recorded and broadcast. This will be an amazing day. $50 for the whole thing (includes food and drink and instruction). Go to lit6project.com/lit6store.htm to sign up. We cannot wait (if you can't make the class, come see what we've all done at the Nomad).


July 29th! The Lit 6 Project and Creative Electric Studios present the only brand new Electric Arc Radio Show of the summer! "A Midsummer's Night Sausage." Members of the Lit 6 house are feeling… inauthentic. After a harrowing game of "Hot Peas and Butter" (google it), we are launched into a heat related hallucination that ends with the most amazing breakfast ever. You must see it to believe it. BRYANT LAKE BOWL. LATE NIGHT. 10 P.M. Get your tickets now (612-825-8949 for advance) $8, $10 night of the show. God, we can't
wait.
........

SEPTEMBER 2ND ELECTRIC ARC FALL SEASON BEGINS! Special Musical Guests. Huge stories. Get your tickets now for THE RITZ!

We love you so much. We just miss you.

Aw, we miss you too. Anybody want to go to the July 29th show with me? Also, if you plan on attending the July 11th show, we need to set some ground rules regarding heckling.

Dress code, bless code, lovely lovely mess code

I was assessing the contents of my closet, because my new job has a "business casual, emphasis on business" dress code. I was pleasantly surprised by what I already have. To wit: 8 button-up shirts (various colors, fits, sleeve lengths), 7 cardigans (again, a variety. but clearly I am in a fashion rut), 4 pairs of dress pants, 5 skirts... fuck, do I own a dress?! No, I don't own a dress. I own three dresses. They are sort of old as you may have guessed from the fact that I forgot about them. Not quite the first stare of fashion, one might say, if one lived in England in the early 19th century.

Clearly it's time to embark on the next leg of the getting-rid-of-shit journey. But that will have to wait for the weekend. I have alarms to set, procedures to remember, scenes to rewrite... shit ...shit, monologue...

shit., shit.. How did I get that bruise? If you were named Harriet and could be described by the non-word "fridgmental", how would you have gotten that bruise? I think Harriet has a big bruise on her arm -- wait, did some psycho drunk girl bite her arm at a biker bar? No, I can come up with something better than that... although I can imagine just the kind of hissy fit she would have. I can imagine it quite well, actually. Hmm. Almost as though it really happened, like to someone I know. Or am.

One quirk of the new job's dress code -- or maybe it just seems weird compared to other places I've worked -- is that socks or hose are always required. What do you do with cropped pants? Skirts in spring or summer? Can't wear tights. Hose looks dumb, doesn't it? Well, today I saw a handful of women wearing knee-highs with sandals and capris. The tops of the knee highs were not visible, rest assured. It didn't look as horrible as I thought it would. I hope it's not one of those things you become accustomed to, and you start to think it's acceptable everywhere and you think it looks fine and wonder why people are snickering when you walk by. Maybe I should just buy a few pairs of argyle knee socks to wear with everything.

Time to let go of any pretensions I may have toward omniscience!

Like I didn't know that already. But it never hurts to be reminded. I'm not going to argue if you think astrology is a load of bunkum, or if you do believe in it but scorn these sort of generic forecasts. Sometimes I use them to sort of refocus, look at things in a new way.


Daily work (by Astrology.com)
Events are somewhat beyond your control right now, but they're not going anywhere you can't handle. Try to just relax and let go of any pretensions you may have toward omniscience. -
Daily flirt (by Astrology.com)
Life is good, even though you can't see everything that's happening or figure out how to deal with it all. Let it roll over you, and you'll be back on top of things in a few days.

My weekend: It was fine, thanks.

I went to my high school reunion. We basically went to O'Leary's Pub on Friday night, then the VFW Saturday night. We did a class picture across the street from the VFW, on a sort of grassy knoll. Then we adjourned to another bar. Actually, the organizers wanted us all to meet up at some place in WF, Border Town I think? We went to Playmaker's instead, a select group, the creme de la creme. A woman at the reunion said something really beautiful. I mentioned that people seemed willing and even happy to talk to people they didn't really know in high school, we weren't all trying to impress each other, it was a very nice vibe (although there were a couple of exceptions). I said we've all changed. She said "It's called humility." True that, Heather. True that.

Then I came back to St C today and had a little cookout with a few college friends. It was good too.

I was going to write a bunch more, about the nature of friendship and assorted other bullshit, but it's nothing you haven't heard. I hope you all have a good week.