happy day

At work today I saw Heather in the hallway and she said, "Remember where we were a year ago today? I think about this time we were all drinking our lunch at the bar."

So I guess it's been a year since my job ended, that's cool. It's been quite a year, but not really.

In other news, what happened to Drive 105? This is pissing me off. It's like easy listening or some shit.

You mean Oprah lied to me?

Here's a review of The Secret. This is a good blog. I'm still all about the positive thinking, but you don't gotta be a fool about it.

Windy out, isn't it?

It seems like if it's going to bother being this windy out, it should rain or something. My chin hurts, but that's a story for never, ever. It's nap time. Hope everybody's having a splendid weekend!

Stephen Colbert made a joke about lutefisk last night.

This amazes me. I was tickled pink, in fact. I have never eaten lutefisk, but maybe I would try it. I don't know. Lutefisk, for the non-Norske among us, is fish that has been cured in lye. Then it sits in a barrel for a while, then they rinse it very well, then it is cooked and served with butter.

There are two stories I have heard about the origin of this delicacy. The first one is boring. It was a good way to keep the fish edible on board ships during long sea voyages in the old days. The second story, I may have invented but it's more fun: The Vikings were raiding some village, and the villagers decided to poison their fish with lye. It didn't kill the tough, crazy Vikings, and they liked the flavor and made it their national delicacy. Please tell me if you've heard this anywhere else, it would please me if I didn't invent it.

hr nightmares, anyone?

Ok, I have two HR nightmares to share, one lame and one serious. I will get the lame one out of the way first.

I had to write this very typical administrative-drone email to someone today. Basically I had to tell him he couldn't do something he wanted to do because it's says in the policy not to do that, so there. It felt icky yet it truly had to be done. I know he's going to be pissed at me and might very well take it out on me or badmouth me to other staffers, even though he knows the policy bullshit is not something I can help him with. And I know that I have to take responsibility for handing out bad news from time to time. And I know that I'd much rather have this guy mad at me than deal with my boss being mad at me.

Let me tell ya, this was a great email. It went something like, "In regards to your request, unfortunately, at this time, under conditions on Earth as we know them, and per the policies and procedures handed down to us by the Wrathful Hand of Thor, we cannot do the thing you wanted to do. Please contact company President So&So to obtain special clearance in writing to override this policy and/or procedure, if you so wish. Good day to you, sir."


Here's the other thing that happened: Some guy called a couple of times looking for an employee, and the person he was looking for wasn't there, so I just said, they're not picking up, can I give them a message (I'm using singular "they" because I don't want to give out too much info, like I didn't want to give the guy too much either, more policy stuff!)

So he says ok, but then he calls back about half an hour later and asks for them again, and I'm thinking, hello stalker! but then he says, "None of his/her friends have heard from him/her in four days, we're really worried," so I take his number and call the person's manager & the HR director and well, a bunch of other people. It turns out the person left work early with some sort of personal or family emergency late last week and we haven't heard from them since. I don't know this person except to say hi in the hallway, but being the person I am & based on this guy's voice, I started worrying bunches. Wouldn't you?

And at the end of the day, this person's department director told me they still haven't gotten in touch with them. I'm sure it was nothing though, right? I hope this person is back tomorrow. I hope they call their friends and family and tell them they're all right. It's probably nothing. I hope I feel foolish tomorrow when it turns out I was worried over nothing. You guys can laugh at me, it's ok, just wait til tomorrow.

6 hours later

So after I got home this afternoon, I spent the rest of the day, up to about an hour ago, reading and reading. I haven't had such a reading binge in quite a while - as I was telling someone, since the last Harry Potter book came out (yes, I know how cool that makes me) - and I forgot how zoned out and slightly nauseous it can make a person feel.

Happy Administrative Professionals Day, ya'll

I discovered that today was Secretary's -- ahem, Administrative Professional's Day when a vendor brought in daisies. The fine folks at Manpower really know how to suck up! Nah, I'm kidding. It was nice. We're going to rotate the flowers to everybody's desk so we can all bask in the beauty. Plus it's a plant, not just cut flowers, so we should be able to keep it alive for a while.

I've been reading HR Nightmares on NBC's The Office website. Good stuff, fun times. I'm trying to think of something to post there, anybody got any ideas?

All it takes is positive thinking and a good mental outlook

Yeah, that is the shit! Oh, yes, I know, positive thinking and self-help books are a bunch of trite crap for the weak minded to buy into or something, but that is so the demagraphic to which I belong. Yes! If you think happy thoughts you will totally get rich, so join me, because I'm only half kidding with this.

goddamn

Do you ever feel like a purple unicorn next to a thought bubble that reads "Why?"?? Me too!

I can't believe I couldn't find a picture online of that unicorn painting from The Simpsons. If anybody sees it anywhere, let me know. This painting loses to Marge's painting at the big art show or something.

Why do I feel like the questioning unicorn? I don't know, I guess it's not so much the unicorn as the questioning part. Unicorns are awesome.

A bargain

Yesterday I went dress shopping with the gals, the college-era friends, doncha know. Then we went to see the new baby of T&J VB. Cute kid! His name is Nathan Michael and he has a shock of beautiful golden hair. It was great to hold him and we all marvelled and cooed over his precious little fingers and toes.......... then last night I had a dream about buying birth control pills in bulk! I remember they came to $6.48 a bottle, so I bought four or five bottles (yeah, in the dream they came in bottles with old-fashioned typed labels rather than the little discs/cases such pills actually come in). It was like, at these prices, I can't afford not to not ovulate! Definitely, I did not have "I wanna baby" fever, which I kinda thought I might when I was actually holding him. Has anyone else ever had a reaction like this? Maybe it was hearing the details of the labor. Uffda.

Seen any good movies lately?

How about that weather?

How's the job going?

The family doing ok?

Is this it?

Spring? Is it here yet? Better be.

A list of stuff I'm sick of hearing about

And I think everyone will agree.

-global warming: I get it. We're all doomed.
-the presidential election: If they could hold off on this shit for a year, that would be great. I'm scared that I'll be so burned out on all this garbage that on Election Day I'll get drunk and vote for Mitt Romney, because Mitt is an adorable name.
-Paris Hilton/Britney Spears/Nichole Richie/ all those other girls: Let me know if Paris Hilton goes to rehab instead of all her friends. Or if she goes to jail and gets shivved.
-How much money a movie made: I don't care.
-Please add your own suggestions: if you want to.

Great times

So, I emailed a co-worker a suggestion on how to improve a form, if it wouldn't be too much work. She replied "That's totally doable!"

Omigod, she made my day. I sprinted over to her desk and shrieked "So's your mom! HAHAHAHA!"

There are so few opportunities for great comedy at work these days. Mostly I just listen to NPR and compare the weather forcasts of the UPS, DHL and FedEx delivery people. So far DHL is most reliable. UPS is usually cautiously optimistic, and I think FedEx is a witch.

Emerging from the cocoon

Nah, that's not the metaphor I'm looking for. I definitely haven't turned into a butterfly. Anyway, I'm planning on blogging more in the future so I hope to see ya'll around. Yes, my plan to is get back into blogging more regularly. Except here's the problem: I'm still feeling a little blah and dumb. There's nothing really interesting to me. So I will look for something interesting and when I find it I shall post it here. But in the meantime, look for a lot of dream interpretation and two-sentence recaps of my day. Sorry.

here's an inscrutable dream i had

I was going to leave this place but I would be back the next day so I wanted to save my spot or something. So there was this bank of locker/safe type things but they worked like parking meters and I didn't have enough change to keep it locked for a whole day, but I just kept putting in dime after dime. What a dumbass dream.

I was hoping it would be one of those dreams where if you discuss it, the meaning becomes clear, but not this time. Anyway. If anyone can think of what that means, lemme know.

super lame

It's been a long time since I've blogged tipsy, and I think the public has been clamoring for it. Well, clamor bitches, clamor on. It's great. It's a damn good time. How was everybody's St Patrick's Day?

good news

I got a new tv! Actually it used to be whackly's tv. And for a very small sum he helped me carry it up to my 3rd floor apartment (by "helped" I mean "did 95% of the lifting") and he attached all the cables. If anyone has seen my former tv, they know that my old tv had a terrible, blurry picture. So, good times, I can read the program descriptions on the tivo guide! And there are captions. I do so adore captions. Also, I feel good that I gave the Whackly family some money that maybe will buy them a couple of tanks of gas on their trip to their new home in Ohio. That's right, they're moving. So, see you on the internets, chumps!

Hello there!

I have been working some overtime, about 14 extra hours a week. So I've been rather tired, some might say homicidally sleepy, but I don't drive that far to work, so it's not really a problem. Did that make any sense? Was it funny? I can't even tell. I am going to take a nap now. I mightn't be a-blogging much in March, or reading other blogs very often. Or maybe I will be around, but I won't be good for much on Wednesdays, Thursdays, and days that are near those days. There are two upsides: I will temporarily make more money and not have time to spend it. I remember when I used to work 60 hours a week - you know, the ol' "I have two jobs in retail and it's December" thing - and this is reminding me about how much that sucked.

I think the snow is very pretty

Especially it's pretty because no one I know has gone into the ditch or been stranded or had any other weather-related unpleasantness, and because my overtime for tonight was cancelled. Yay! Everyone, go play in the snow right now.

Can you hear this?

The ringtone of choice of young whippersnappers. Apparently lots of people over 30 can't read it, but many can. I can't hear it, and I wonder if I ever would have heard it because I think my hearing is kind of bad. I think I killed some of the higher frequencies during a particularly hectic middle school band practice or something lame like that.

Also, here's an entirely unrelated thought: I recently realized that I have frequently resented the fact that time runs in only one direction. How dumb is that? How can you not bring yourself to get over the bare facts of existence?

Collapse in on yourself like a dying star!

Here's a blog called That's What She Said. It's a blog about how much the litigation could end up costing Dunder Mifflin if it existed and employed Michael Scott.

I'm about a third of the way through tonight's episode of The Office and so far it is excellent. I would go on, but today I seem to have a problem speaking. Everything I say or write sounds like it has been translated from English to Russian to French and then back to English.

Oh a tiny little house

I'd like a small house. A shotgun shanty. A little cottage. A Katrina Cottage purchased at Lowe's, maybe. Fuck, why not a nice dry cave? Little geodisic dome on the prairie. Sounds cozy, don't it? I've seen these before, but this here article in the NYT got me thinking. I would genuinely like a little house like this. It reminds me of tiny cabins people rent by the lake. They really have all the space you need. One possible problem is that I do not want to live out in a forest or anything like that.That seems to be what most of the people in the NYT story did. I like the city, or town, or something where you are near people, shops, fire stations and gas stations. And I imagine this sort of house wouldn't be welcome in many neighborhoods. In fact, the neighbors would be downright hostile. They'd either think you were some hippie loser or they'd just be mad that you could be dragging down their property values.

What I'd do, though, is I would have a big two car garage alongside my tiny cottage. It could be heated for parties and whatnot. I don't know if that would make the hypothetical neighbors any happier, but it really should.

In the house I would need space for a smallish tv, bookshelves, a desk, kitchen, bathroom and a bedroom. A screened in porch, a cellar would be nice -- maybe a basement under the garage. The guest house will be a tree house and will overlook the pool. In fact, you, as my house guest, will be invited to jump from the tree house balcony into the swimming pool (after you sign a liability waiver and promise - pinkie swear! - to make sure there is water in the pool before jumping).

Another fine purveyor of teensy houses, is Alchemy Architects, which produces the WeeHouse, and is located in St. Paul.

Oh, A.Word.A.Day daily quote! You naughty thing!

..................................................
The world is a skirt I want to lift up. 
-Hanif Kureishi,  author (1954- )

Covetousness

Has anyone else been listening to the MPR pledge drive? I am coveting the 40th anniversary red stoneware mug. Unfortunately, I don't have the cash or enough generosity to actually make a donation and get one. So I'll be cruising the thrift shops in a few years, hoping to pick one up for seventy five cents.

I'm enjoying the thrill of guilt, as they hint occasionally that by not donating, you're pretty much stealing. It's amazing. Isn't listening to public radio supposed to make you feel smug and virtuous? It's not working right!

They've been playing some of their 'greatest hits' interviews on Mid-Morning, which is awesome cuz I listen at work, and I miss stuff sometimes. My favorites replays have been Nora Ephron bitching about how old and rich she is, and the pediatric neuroscientist who talked about kids' learning styles and "leaking linear chunks" and whatnot.

Good to know!

Some of you might remember that we used to lament about not being able to get satellite? You know, my apartment faces east so I still don't think it's an option for me, but maybe somebody else can use this. From this post.

...the FCC has ruled that Homeowners Associations can't restrict you from having a dish, neither can landlords in the case of renters. Of course, HOAs and landlords will both try and bully people into thinking that they (the HOAs and landlords) have total control, but they don't.

All the rules are here.

And I've excerpted part of the page:
Q: What types of restrictions are prohibited?

A: The rule prohibits restrictions that impair a person's ability to install, maintain, or use an antenna covered by the rule. The rule applies to state or local laws or regulations, including zoning, land-use or building regulations, private covenants, homeowners' association rules, condominium or cooperative association restrictions, lease restrictions, or similar restrictions on property within the exclusive use or control of the antenna user where the user has an ownership or leasehold interest in the property. A restriction impairs if it: (1) unreasonably delays or prevents use of; (2) unreasonably increases the cost of; or (3) precludes a person from receiving or transmitting an acceptable quality signal from an antenna covered under the rule. The rule does not prohibit legitimate safety restrictions or restrictions designed to preserve designated or eligible historic or prehistoric properties, provided the restriction is no more burdensome than necessary to accomplish the safety or preservation purpose.

Title

Have you ever gone to a baby shower and you were like, the only one there who was hung over and swearing a lot and making off-color comments? It's a good time. It's how you know you're the fun one. The super fun one.

The party organizer had a cool idea; she used one of those "get to know your friends" e-mails to make up a "who knows the future mom best" quiz for the party. That's innovation, ya'll.

edit: That second paragraph might sound sarcastic. It's not; I thought it was a good idea. Oh great. Now everything I say sounds like bullshit.

It's Tuesday already!

Boy, you know, I seem to be getting dumber. I used to have some command of the English language, including such things as grammar, spelling, and syntax. Actually, I'm not sure what syntax means, or it I ever really knew. I'll look it up later, unless I forget. Let's face it, consider it forgotten. The fact remains, I don't know as much stuff as I possibly used to.

I was really pissed off that it was snowing this morning, because I didn't know it was supposed to snow. I asked someone if it was in the forecast and yes, yes, it was. I guess I got all excited that the high temp was going to be above zero and stopped reading. I saw this van do an awesome loopy-loop on the road. The driver turned left onto the road I was on, but kind of kept going into a 360. Then he stopped. He ended up right at the stop sign, had to turn right and drive around the block to get back to where he was supposed to be. I've been there, dude! Keep on trucking!

It's Thursday already!

Do you ever have one of those weeks that crawls by and then it's suddenly almost done? It doesn't make sense, but there it it. Thursday is pretty much gone.

found on the back of a piece of scrap paper

If possible, arrange to get work done.

as though you're accomplishing more if
but you will be more productive and
give your undivided attention to one task

tra work during busy times. Only attend
datory.
roductive. Be on time. Come to the
hand.
efore. This will head off problems due to
nflicts.
rmine which tasks are most important and
self enough time to get the work done, but
ense of urgency about it. Be prepared to
change.

I have sneezed so many times today.

And as I thought about righting this post about sneezing, I thought "Why would anyone want to read this?" With me, questions like that lead inevitably to wondering why anyone reads most things. I mean, if you suspect that religion and philosophy are tricks we play on ourselves, and you don't need something informational, like a recipe for goulash or a how-to on proper engine maintenance, what reason is there to read? Sometimes I read almost compulsively (calling it a compulsion is probably not precisely correct; if anyone out there can think of something, let me know). So having a billion and twelve blogs out there to choose from, whether they are good, worthwhile, or relevant to myself or not, is wonderful and saves me from reading, once again, the text from the box of cold medicine that is sitting on my desk.
"Stop use and ask a doctor if
-redness or swelling is present
-you get nervous, dizzy or sleepless
-new symptoms occur
-fever gets worse or lasts more than 3 days
-pain, nasal congestion or cough gets worse of lasts more than 7 days
-cough comes back or occurs with rash or headache that lasts. These could be the signs of a serious condition."

I'm waiting to sneeze again. I'm going to settle in with my new book.

Happy St. Polycarp day!

Or something! I have the same birthday as a bunch of weirdos. Also, it's Australia Day and on this day in 1340, King Edward III of England is declared King of France. But did King Edward III of England get fried ice cream!? I think he probably didn't! He probably had aged venison and trenchers and gross middle ages food. Also, he probably had lice and I have never had lice, unless it was when I was very young, too young to remember, which is doubtful because that is the kind of thing my mom would have told me, at least I think so. I better call her.

If you fall I won't catch you! I won't be waiting! (line from a tv show)

I went to dinner with people tonight, and this woman was describing the gorilla who visited her work for her co-worker's birthday. I was all, "I know him! I know that gorilla!" Actually it was the girl gorilla but I know her too.

In case you are confused by this, shut up. The gorillas have a singing telegram company!

I drank coffee again. I can't believe that shit is legal. My mind is racing, my jaw is clenched, I can't stop humming. I feel like the kitty in the post below looks.

The only thing bad about this coffee-with-dinner thing is I will have trouble falling asleep and I have had interesting dreams lately; dreams that I would like to revisit. Here are the last four dreams I have had, in summary, starting with the most recent:

4. One out of every four people were automatically fired at work. They were picked randomly after their first 90 days. People kept coming back and trying again, and getting fired again; they were just unlucky.
3. Everything stopped working. Like electricity and phones and the whole entire interweb. But, like, my dream had poor continuity, because at one point, for no reason, the tv worked again and I was watching scenes from my hometown. I saw this girl from my high school walking with masses of people. I was like, hmm, she must have moved back from Nebraska or wherever. Then everything shut off again and everyone stayed home and waited. I don't know, the whole thing was a sort of low key, slow moving apocalypse.
2. I met this woman who ran a whorehouse, she also made very specific costumes for her 'ladies'. They were large doily-looking dresses. She was very rich.
1. I was staying in this big room with four doors that opened to different places. I was traveling with people from my current job, but I had become separated from them and wouldn't be able to find them unless I could guess their code names.

You see why I like to sleep?

best thing ever

"Oh fer Christ's sake!" I think we all know where this came from. CuteOverload! Yesssssssssssss. The kitty is an agitated lil hipster, or something.

Medicine

I have a slight case of the sniffles, which is annoying to myself and others, so I sought to remedy it at my friendly local pharmacy. I thought the crank-ingredient stuff, you know, pseudoephedrine would be the best thing but I asked the pharmacist and he said no! Silly goose, you need an antihistamine. So I got some generic version of Claritin and I took it and I feel better already.

I think that I think of pseudoephedrine as a magical elixir a) because of when I was a college freshman and I got sick, and that stuff and hot tea were the only things that made me feel better; and b) because it's behind the counter now, so it must be better right? It's special. But not so much! It's just better as a decongestant than that phenylepiframinandimdianmamainane they use in the regular stuff now.

What's it gonna take, silver shadow believa?

This is the song I've had in my head all day.

LH Rand and Whackly both expressed the idea that the call in the post below could make a great writing prompt: what's happening on the other side of the line? I do think about that at work quite a bit. Like, sometimes when somebody sounds really fucked up on the phone, I should just tell them I'll transfer them to the appropriate department and then, you know, transfer them; but sometimes I talk to them a little bit more just to see what they are like, if I'm right about them.

But anyway. Have a lovely weekend.

On the phone

Yesterday at work I answered the phone, as I do a hundred times a day, and said my customary greeting. In return I heard a tiny voice saying, "My mom... [indecipherable] bug in her hair [not speaking into the phone's reciever] and isn't here... gotta get that bug out of her hair."

I thought instead of slamming down the phone I would try to help, so I said in my sweetest, fakest voice, "What's your mom's name?"

Wrong question. "Um [babbling]. Jessica? {yelling} Mom? What's your name?"

Mom gets on the phone. "Hello?"

"Hi," I said. "You guys called us?"

Mom says, "Uh, I don't know. Sorry, bye." as the little girl in the background says, "Mom, I don't know your name..."

That was the end of the call. And they were never heard from again. I don't know if the mom's name actually was Jessica, or the moppet just really liked that name. These are the harrowing mysteries I must confront each day.

Sparkles

I bought more jewelry. Went to another jewelry party. Did I mention on the blog before that I went to a few jewelry parties? Rationalizing: hey, I got some awesome deals. Reality: I am now all jewelried up for a while; I tend to be a little compulsive every now and then. But unless I become a dealer, I probably won't get any farther into the game. I mean, at least not for a couple of months. With tonight's order I have everything I covet from the catalog.

The new catalog comes out in two weeks. Whatever. It's such a chick thing to do. We go to these parties, we throw these parties, we enjoy them. Really! Maybe some people don't like them, I mean, I understand the issues. Guys never have hostess parties, otherwise they'd be called host parties. If they had a Nascar theme, maybe...

golden globes

Sasha Baron Cohen: surprisingly hot when dressed like/talking like a real person. Wow.

From today's paper. Stuff that made me laugh

Headline: "Ice coats nation's midsection." Not sure why it's so funny.

From a story about a local dance show: "The afternoon show combined the maic energy of a Robin Williams concert with the perkiness of Kelly Ripa as the girls smiled and shook to the beat of blaring music." Ok, writer, we get it. You hated it. You probably even hated the little 3 year old ballerinas, you black-hearted bastard.

There is nothing else funny in the paper today; they stopped carrying Cathy long ago. Har dee har har.

Wheeeeeeeeeeeeee

I had two cups of coffee at lunch today and I was totally fuckin wired for the rest of the day. That's quite sad. I'm still feeling it. I do get a bit of caffeine from a nasty Diet Coke habit I been trying to shake, but I don't usually drink coffee. It just sounded so nice and warm and ever so cozy. So, I get back to work after lunch and chitchat w/CN, and in my jittered up state, at a meeting I suggest to my boss that we label the link to the time/attendance/scheduling section of our internal website "T & A". Like, click on the T & A button to be really disappointed, or to fix your timecard. She either didn't get it or she pretended not to and she's maybe planning to kill me. Maybe definitely planning to kill me.

Also at work they are planning on celebrating a different culture each month... so far the plan sounds like stereotypes and food, which is awesome.

Without going into too much detail: Like, is this going to be the most offensive thing ever? I hope so. I really do, except that I don't. Maybe I'm just jumping to conclusions and it will turn out really beautiful and educational and shit. If not, tune in here for the post mortem!

May cause itching, insomnia and incontinence

I would say laughter is the best medicine. But it's more than that. It's an entire regime of antibiotics and steroids. Laughter brings the swelling down on our national psyche, and then applies an antibiotic cream. You gotta keep it away from your eyes... Obviously, it's a challenge to make light of the darkness but, um, it's better than crying about it. --Stephen Colbert

Interview with Stephen Colbert in Entertainment Weekly

I know it's not really the end of the world or anything...

but a girl gets anxious, you know? Let's all hide.

Here, here, here, here, and everything here.

Wow

Rob the Bouncer espouses one of my personal rules for life.

Here is Rule Number One: Don’t inflict yourself on other people.

Maybe he has a different take on it than I do. Maybe I'll explain it in more detail later, but probably not.

*edit: Yeah, I guess I should explain slightly. This became my philosophy a few years ago from working in retail and knowing, you know, human beings, sometimes. You could describe my policy as isolationism if you wanted to.

Dayton for Gov?

Oh please let it be so!

From Wonkette

I don't know why I lurve him so.

Hi ya

I'm hanging around my apartment, wearing my bathrobe and drinking a beer. What are you up to this weekend?

Boom

My neighbors like bass. This evening, every half hour or so, I've been treated to the thudding reverberations of their shitty music. Why the interval?

Do you ever have that feeling that something is in your eye, like an eyelash? But there isn't anything there. I've had that feeling all day. I've tried to avoid rubbing my eye, I've avoided it for hours at a time.

My new year's resolutions are possibly these: buy more shoes, trust my instincts, read more, wear more jewelry, eat more apples, relax, swear more, avoid old people, watch exactly the same amount of television (I mean it, I've struck the perfect balance), most ambitious: get rid of half of my possessions, keep better track of celebrity gossip, blog regularly, hide from meanies, sneer more.

Action: Remember to blog

Have you ever told yourself to remember something, then you remember only that you were going to remember something but not what it was that you were supposed to remember? So, your plan to remember worked except for the small idea of content.

But then I remembered what I was supposed to remember, and I don't care. Borrrring.

Messy is good

“Order can be profane and life-diminishing,” he said the other day....

So true.

Everybody have a lovely christmas weekend and whatnot

Ok, then.

Oh, my.

Who stole Jesus' foreskin?

Was it you?

Xmas shopping

I have 3 brothers who are very different from each other, yet I got them all the same thing. No, it was not socks, plaid shirts, or candy. Although candy might've been better. But no, I'm sticking with this. Spoiler alert: if you are my brother (and who isn't?) and you don't want to know what your present is, stop reading here. Ok, here it is: thumb drives. Yep, 256k of sweet, sweet storage. I figure it was a slightly more exciting gift than compact fluorescent lightbulbs. Not too much more exciting, I don't want them getting the vapors or anything.

I went to the mall to do this shopping. It wasn't so bad. I was chatting with this guy at work, he didn't like the way Christmas is so commercial "these days". You know, the commercialization of Christmas doesn't bother me. I can't control if other people decide to drive themselves nuts, or spoil their overprivileged brats, or feel the need to outspend their neighbors on useless crap. Let's not worry about every body else, shall we? Let's be chill.

Casu consulto

"Accidentally on purpose". Does that mean mere sneakiness, general guile, or something else? Like, fate converging on you, or a bunch of coincidences that bring you to something?

I don't know, I just heard that phrase and I wanted to use it. Then I looked it up and found this:

Good joke: Essential Latin Phrases

Contains the essential "Quantum materiae materietur marmota monax si marmota monax materiam possit materiari?"

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

At work my boss talks about how we should always underpromise and overdeliver, and is it a sign of my attitude problem that it reminds me of this: Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment?

Good joke: Inspirational Posters For The Cubicle Era

I woke up at 3:30

And I can't get back to sleep. So I've been reading Gawker, especially this post, and stuff like that.

This is the sound of an annoyed platypus (is there any other kind?).

the party was pretty good

Deuces Wild yelled at my pregnant co-worker for not drinking. Well, that's an exageration; they started to chastise her then she pointed to her tummy. And she got some ice water for the many "Team drink! Team drink!" things that they did. I shall now exagerate everything about the party. And lie. There was a stack of shrimp six stories high, encircled by a moat of cocktail sauce. Someone accidentally gave me extra drink tickets, and I returned them, because I'm a stooge like that; then I changed my mind and stole the whole roll of tickets and ran shrieking through the room, tossing tickets to lucky children as I fled. There was a conga line. I'm running out of steam for this description.

Santa baby

We're doing the secret santa thing at work. Somebody stole jb's present. Isn't that terribly un-christmassy? As a result, jb was mildly apoplectic for part of the day. It's a three day thing, so she got something yesterday and she'll probably get something tomorrow, so she'll feel better then. Also, we went for lunch at a good place with many breadsticks, which also helped make her feel better or put her in a carbo-coma, which is good too.

So far I've gotten some stuff from my Secret Santa too: bubble bath, loofah, notepad with santa on it, dark chocolate. I got my santa person a mini christmas tree and lights. Tomorrow I'm giving him a Charlie Brown Christmas CD. I think that is awesome, I hope whatsisface likes it.

Tomorrow night is the work Christmas party. It's one of those things that are obviously supposed to be fun, that is the point, right? I think the odds are good (51% likelihood) that it will be but I am usually cautious of such events. An work party is potentially a fricking minefield, you know it is.

Happy holidays

I'm just not feeling it this year. Luckily I have a few events to help me get in the spirit. I'm not grinchy, I'm not anti-christmas, or anything like that, I just feel detached from the festivities. My cousin is getting married on December 23rd, so that is really cool. I guess he knocked up his girlfriend. So, party with the fam! Having a wedding in Fargo the weekend before Christmas is a bit dicey, but the weather reports look good so far.

Beep update

No beeping this morning. I think it's a test.

Beep beep beep-beep

I woke up to the sound of many beeps this morning. Usually there are a few. The beeps sound just like my alarm clock, except louder and from much farther away, and I hate them. I think it might be a garbage truck backing up, lots of times. Because the garbage collectors hate me; I'm sure they think I don't recycle enough. This morning, the beeps were more insistent and accusatory than usual. I even rolled over to check to make sure it wasn't my alarm clock. But no, it was too early for that yet. So I endured the beeping by burrowing under the pillows until the alarm clock piped up to join it's beeping brothers outside. Half asleep, I had a theory that something about the weather made the beeping more, hmm, prolific than the usual Tuesday.

Noooooo, the beeping wasn't in my head. It was garbage trucks. Or maybe some trucks from one of the businesses nearby. I'm almost sure of it.

Cute or creepy: you decide!

CUTE THINGS FALLING ASLEEP

It made me yawn, but in a good way.

Hockey and italian food

I like hockey. I like pasta. So last night was great. I had more to say, but eh. Fucking computer. Although... if you spend twenty minutes writing something, it gets lost, and you don't think the lost stuff is worth rewriting, is that a sign that it was crappy, that you are lazy or both? Yeah, both.

It seems like everything I want to do is scheduled at the same time. Any Saturday that there is one thing I want to do, or go to, there are also one or two more. Witness my stellar non-attendance at Lit6 shows. Oh well, what are ya gonna do?

The next post will be on Blogger Beta,

it's the end of an era or something.

Just wanted to let ya'll know in case it gets all jacked up.

Something I learned from listening to NPR today

-Some conservatives think that the US has been using 'diplomacy' in Iraq, and that is why things are going so poorly. What we need is about 50,000 more troops over there, then everything will be all better.

Well, that solves that! Awesome.

I got a haircut!

This isn't really exciting news, but I did indeed get a haircut this evening. Basically, my co-worker said she was going to get her hair cut. I said, I should really do that sometime. She said, Come with me. I said, Nah... Ok.

So I did. I also got my eyebrows waxed. So did she. I always forgets how much that hurts like a motherfucker.

I usually don't like chatting with the hairstylist. This time too. I never have anything to say. I figure they might appreciate a little silence as much as I do.

The stylist's name was Misty Rae. No kidding. I saw it on her cosmetology license there on the wall.

Hey there, Monday.

How you doin'?

Did anyone check out the new St. Cloud Hooters on its opening night? Are the reviews in from the restaurant critics?

Odd Book Titles

From here.

• People Who Don't Know They Are Dead: How They Attach Themselves to Unsuspecting Bystanders and what to Do About It
• Bombproof Your Horse
• The Big Book of Lesbian Horse Stories
• Living With Crazy Buttocks
• The Joy of Sex: Pocket Edition
• Reusing Old Graves
• American Bottom Archaeology
• How to Avoid Huge Ships
• Lesbian Sadomasochism Safety Manual
• Versailles: The View from Sweden
• Oral Sadism and the Vegetarian Personality
• The Book of Marmalade: Its Antecedents, Its History and Its Role in the World Today
• Population and Other Problems
• Last Chance at Love - Terminal Romances
• Proceedings of the 2nd International Workshop of Nude Mice

Movies I might watch today

Elf
Love Actually
The Shop Around the Corner
Hotel Berlin
The Producers
Guys and Dolls
I Love You Again
Singin' in the Rain
The Others
The Mortal Storm
Stage Door

The list prompts the question: Who really gives a shit? I don't. I couldn't even tell you why I am posting this. Does it express anything? If you were wondering what I was up to today, this is it.

Here are some money saving tips.

Do some of them seem a little crazy? Yes, I think so.

from the Debt-Proof Living Newsletter. Reading it has not made me debt-proof, but it does freak me out sometimes.

LAST BIT: Everybody knows that you roll up a toothpaste tube when it gets to the end. But if you unwind it and snip off a tiny corner of the bottom, you will find there is a lot more in there. -- Lorraine H., Illinois

JUICE TRAP: Instead of using a cutting board for fruits and veggies, I use a pizza pan or an old metal pie pan. This way, nothing slides off the board. -- Lorraine H., Illinois

KNEE WRAP: Need a wrap for an arthritic knee? Cut toes out of a stretch sock. Pull it over your knee with the heel over your kneecap. It stays in place and is warm, comfortable, washable and reusable. -- Catherine S., Illinois

GUM REMOVER: I have found that Ronsonol lighter fuel works to remove gum residue from price tags. You don't have to use a spoon or knife to loosen gum, and you don't have to rinse. -- Dave J., Washington (Caution: Lighter fluid is, of course, flammable and should be used in this way with extreme caution and out of the presence of children. -- M.H.)

GIFT SACK: Pillowcases can become useful "wrapping paper" at Christmas time. Pick out a festive print for each child at the dollar table at your local Wal-Mart. Fill the pillowcase with the gifts, and include another pillowcase if the child has a double bed. Tie with a big red ribbon and attach a bow and nametag. -- Bea H., North Carolina

ALL-PURPOSE CLEANER: For homemade window cleaner, pour 1 pint rubbing alcohol and 2 pints nonsudsing household ammonia into a 1-gallon container. Fill the rest of the container with water. Add two drops of Dawn liquid detergent. Pour into spray bottle. I have wonderful results using this solution to clean stoves, carpet spots, counters, tile and, of course, windows. -- Jeannette B., Illinois (Always label cleaners clearly and keep well out of the reach of children and pets. -- M.H.)

I'm so disappointed in psychotic people right now.

Researchers followed psychotics through the voting process in 2004 and found a “correlation between the severity of a person’s psychosis and their preferences for president. The more psychotic the voter, the more likely they were to vote for Bush,” according to Bush’s hometown newspaper.

Can you believe it? Yeah, I guess so. I don't know, it's not exactly a mindblowing revelation. There always seems to be a new study out that purports to empirically prove the stupidness of America. No wonder so much of the right wing doesn't trust intellectuals.

Wonkette, Gawker and Defamer not only give you all the important news and pictures of icky celebrities partially naked that you could ever want, they can also help build your vocabulary. For instance, adding -tard to the end of any word instantly heps up your writing. Celebutard, yuptard, cracktard. See how awesome that is? Also, just look at how many variations there are on the humble douche bag: Douché (rhymes with touché), douchoiserie (douche plus bourgeoisie of course)... I don't know, lots of others.

I'm tired.

A list

I can't think of anything substantial to write about, because here is what I am thinking about instead of substantial things:
-butterscotch candies
-chapstick
-parts of showtunes, mostly the chorus but sometimes more.
-scented candles
-the news
-television

There's always a Danny

Any Aaron Sorkin fans out there? Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip, The West Wing, Sports Night? His shows always have their own charming moments and really fucking annoying moments. Studio 60 has moments that are incredibly erudite (like, smart enough for people who don't like to watch 'the idiot box') but has more moments, lately, that are painfully pretentious, arrogant and self-righteous.

It could be a good show; it could be a much better show than it is. But I love this parody: Aaron Sorkin writes a show about baseball.

DANNY
I only became a pitcher because of her.

LEO
Does she know that?

DANNY
She knows that a human arm is not supposed to throw a baseball 100 miles per hour. And she knows that Jesus Christ could strike out Babe Ruth every at bat for ten years without so much as a rotator tear. But to answer your question – what was your question again?

It's benefits time! Yay!

If you are lucky enough to have access to benefits like a Flexible Spending Account, here's a cool tool I found linked on Lifehacker that will help you estimate your costs and savings.

WageWorks Health Care FSA Savings Calculator

I could save a couple hundred bucks on taxes if I use my FSA right next year. And like my workplace's Aflac rep says, if you get to the end of the year and you have money left in your account, you can stock up on over the counter drugs, contact lens solution, first aid sundries or whatever. My lazy paperwork-avoidance side has to duke it out with my cheapskate side to decide if I'll contribute to my account and how much.

Oh come on!

From Cuteoverload.com, of course.

Don't hide, kitty. You are not good at it!

Don't be emo...

Be supremo.

JJ's nephew said that to another kid the other day, at JJ's jewelry party. He also offered the alternative version: Don't be emo, be extremo.

Personally I prefer the supremo. Either one is good advice.

Do not ask me for directions

I got lost tonight. Spent 45 minutes driving to get to someplace about ten minutes from my home. I think for a while there I was on Mrs. Todd's Shortcut, only the longcut version. I went to a party that JJ (jumper) was throwing. It was a jewelry party. I have gotten a whole freaking lot of jewelry lately; it's been a lot of fun! But the getting lost thing... I have such mad skills. I have like dyslexia but with places. I have a vague and fuzzy picture in my mind of where I am and where I want to go, and in between the two there is a vaguer and fuzzier darkness.

I wish there was a vitamin I could take to make me smarter at this type of thing.

wheeeeee

So today I was picking up whackly's wii at the mall today. Anyway, best part was when the chick asked me if I wanted 'security' to walk me back to my car with it. I said, with my usual skill at talking, "Is that....like..... a thing?" By which I meant, huh? Am I going to be robbed? No, I didn't require an escort to my car. No one even tried to rob me.

Whackly was in Wisconsin with his family and he would have like died or something if he couldn't get the Wii sooner, so he gave me the reciepts. And he repaid the favor by giving me a christmas stocking filled with jam and explosives.

Milton Friedman died.

I was all like, he was still alive? Wow.

Ladies' Aid

Well, to continue my thoughts on churches and perhaps elicit yours, the day of my grandma's funeral we went to three different churches: One for the service, one for the burial and one where the family got together to sort photos and send thank yous. I wasn't bothered by these churches, of course I had other stuff on my mind.

I didn't know the ladies' aids were still in business. I hadn't really thought of them in years. I remember teachers in elementary school asking us if we were holding a meeting of the ladies aid if we chatted too much in class. Now, these were small-town or no-town churches, so I don't know if it's like this everywhere. At the first one, for a small donation to the church, they made lunch for 150 people and cleaned it up. You know the midwestern lunch? hotdishes? bars? buns? koolaid? gallons and gallons of coffee?

The no-town church is Stordahl. It's where my mom went as a kid. I tried to take a picture of her and my aunts and uncles confirmation pictures, but they turned out totally creepy, weird reflections and suchlike. If I ever get them scanned I'll post them. It wouldn't shock me if that place was haunted.

I'm not religious but I understand that churches are good for a lot of things. Like community support types of things. Ladies' aid rocks.

Wedding

I went to a wedding this weekend. It was very lovely, and I got to see some people I hadn't seen for a very long time. I didn't talk to anybody very much, because I left the reception pretty early. (Sorry, Mr. Groom, if you are reading this. It was very lovely!)

The last time I went to a Catholic wedding, I was maybe nine. I think chuches are weird, don't you? No, no one else does.

dammit

Everytime I try to post my computer freezes up. Must type fast. Any tips? New computer, right? Maybe it's a sign I should be watching more tv instead of blogging.

Later skaters.

the writinging

The novel, shee ees not going so weeell. Oh well, it'll be a novella. A short story. A blurb.

\

http://ccinsider.comedycentral.com/cc_insider/cc_indecider/index.html

Wow.

It looks like Hatch is winning. And Klobuchar is leading by a lot, as predicted. The run up to the election was so exquisitely borrrrrrring, but I'm enjoying watching the results roll in. For the first time in six years!
-Keith Ellison is winning, I believe it's been called. not my district but he seems like a cool guy
-Wetterling is trailing slightly. there's still time. Wow. Her party is at the Red Carpet. I bet the owners of that establishment didn't vote for her. Hard to say though.

10:03 Now Wetterling is trailing... ok, I will just wait to see what happens.

Looks like Wonkette's stepmom is losing.

10:24 I'm watching the Daily Show/Colbert Report combo deally. It's neat.

Crafty Britney

Britney Spears filed for divorce from whatsis, K-Fed, today. Smooth of her to do it on election day, no? LOL. It should get less play on CNN. All mindless television viewers owe her our thanks.

i voted

Pretend the headline is a red sticker. Unsurprisingly, there were problems with the new voting machines in some areas of the country. And it seems to me like Bush was acting cocky about Republican's keeping control of both houses, so the logical conclusion is there's a massive plot to disenfranchise everybody. Nah.

Here you go.

I'm trying to make this amusingly lousy instead of just lousy, but whatever. Here is part of the thing I am writing. I am way behind on word count, so I'm throwing in everything I can, craft and elegance be damned. I think perhaps this would invite the scorn of some writers who are real writers, but it is just a thing to do.

Here's an excerpt if you don't wish to click, for which I do not blame you.

Her cat (a brown, black, tan and white colored cat whose front claws had been removed two years ago) was sitting and grooming herself on an ottoman that matched her brown floral side chair, but at the sound of the loud gasp the cat, whose name was Snitty that week, because Liz knew the cat didn't care what her name was so she changed it every week, jumped and hissed and ran to hide under Liz's bed in her bedroom.

yee ha

I drank two shots last night without getting sick. It was a fun party, {[thanks for inviting me, R]}. I also met another blogger, The Pirate of Selby Avenue. Furthermore, I drank two shots without getting sick. I said that already, but it amazes me. I guess they weren't that strong. The first shot was a Mexican herbal licoricey tasting thing; I can not remember what it was called other than than it started with an X and had many consonants in a row. This is not an effect of the alcohol I'm pretty sure, just a long ass name. The second shot was sake. I think the reason I didn't die (or wish for death this morning) was that it wasn't tequila. I also had some lovely umeshu, Japanese plum wine. Never had that before.

Nah, no.

So I'm doing NaNoWriMo this year. Because somebody (RMGS, ahem) said I should. It started yesterday, so I have plenty of time to give up. You are supposed to average 1667 words a day to make it to the 50,000 word goal. I guess that's what makes it a novel for these purposes. My 'novel' is terrible, but I'll totally post parts maybe. So far the characters ate lunch, then they took a community education class.

Since the emphasis is quantity over quality, I think it would be a snap, except for the time issue. I think the characters will be wearing clothes that take a long time to describe, and have weird dreams, and discussions that are pointless and trivial. I described the plot to one friend as a Lifetime movie meets the Simpsons (and, no, it's not autobiographical), and as horrible as that sounds the end product will actually be much worse. I am so psyched.

Wiggles?

They are a bit creepy but somehow I am digging the music. Our group at work has chosen The Wiggles as a team costume. We have two of each color. I borrowed this DVD from a lady at work who has a kid. I'm going to be the purple shirt one. He is Jeff, he is apparently narcoleptic, which makes for a weird subplot in a DVD for toddlers. Per the website, he loves sleeping and when he dreams he even dreams about sleeping. I think that is just an expression of a deeply buried death wish. But whatever.

hi

I haven't posted in a while. Been busy. So here's some pictures of stuff to look at instead of reading stuff.

Reviews

I've been at this job for ninety days. So my review is coming up any day now, and I have to come up with some shit. I could use some suggestions. I think I've got the weaknesses covered, but hey, if anything comes to mind, share away.

Strengths: purchased candy and put it out at her desk, so being a good sharer is a strength, right? other than that....... Doesn't steal. Doesn't drink at work. Has magic powers.

Weaknesses: shifty eyed. pensive. listens to NPR at her desk. scared of the copier.

Biggest accomplishment: made copies without crying. runner up: When that guy came in and asked about job openings but kept interrupting the conversation to mutter to himself about birds, encouraged him to apply and offered him an application, which he declined for many reasons, reasons that he whispered to the staircase as he left.

Lame lame lame. Not the crazy guy, he was awesome.

let's have a tea party!

Hey, guess what? My parents got a scanner. I used it this weekend.

Now it's tea party time! The picture on the left is me and two of my brothers, circa 1981. Below, you find my nephew and nieces having their own tea party around 1999-ish.

I had the tiny tupperware set, in gold and brown and all those awesome colors. I don't recall the circumstances, but I bet on this day I was ragging on my mom about wanting to have a tea party with my new dishes and she lured my brothers to participate and behave in a civilized, tea party-appropriate fashion with cookies, perhaps candy.

My nieces have 7 or 8 tea sets between them. Nephew didn't officially own one, but they all liked playing restaurant and stuff like that. Now they are all getting big, in the throes of elementary school and junior high for the boy. Sigh. Where does the time go?

Icky poo with the weather

I am not used to wearing my winter coat so I forget it when I go out to lunch. And tonight, I forgot it again. So tomorrow morning will suck, but it usually does. The weather is not fun. No no no.

But this morning, during my break, it didn't suck. I had cheese crackers and hot chocolate for breakfast, not health food but comfort food, and I looked at the snow outside. That was nice. Then it stopped snowing and that was way fucking better.

Worky work

There was a work party tonight. It was a pretty good time, but here I am, home at 9:30 and coherent enough to blog. Not that it requires so much coherence but you know what I mean. It was all right though; it's been a long time since I've hung out will collectors. They know how to party, kind of.

JB wanted to scam some extra drink tickets, but it wasn't gonna happen. So I hung out with my boss for a while, talked a little shop, played some darts (badly as usual), and sat and talked and listened and drank some more.

I am glad to be home at a reasonable time, in fact.

Hi!

How's everybody doing? Glad to hear it. Oh, go on with your bad self. You don't say.

Wouldn't it be cool to live in olden times?

I mean, like, way way way back? In pagan, pre-Roman England? Then you probably would know what all the henges were really about. Life expectancy was like 25 years or something, so you wouldn't have time to get bored. Those are the two main advantages that I can think of right now. Fucking Romans, ruined everything.

Hey, the sock thing

They eliminated the hosiery part of the dress code at work. A bit too late for sandal season, but still a triumph. They haven't announced it yet, which is weird. If someone bitches that so-and-so isn't wearing pantyhose, L in HR just tells them it is ok to do that now. There will probably be a posting at the end of the week. What I am wondering about is the guy who always wears Birks with socks. Will he bare his toesies? Let's all hope not.

L of HR (kinda) mourns the change, even though she knows it will result in fewer fashion travesties in the building . It was the easiest part of the dress code to enforce. You are either wearing socks or not. You could make a weak argument, try to say your legwarmers fit the qualification, but clearly they do not. And they certainly are not business casual! No sirree bob!

It's possible I lack the required disposition for my job. That's a whole 'nother post though.

Heroes on NBC

Who needs to watch more television? I hear ya, total waste of time. But this show is very good. So far, so good. It's worth watching til it inevitably the quality slips and it goes to shit like everything else.

The Sunday Rounddown

I have been coming up with little blog ideas then letting them go. So how about a random list of things that cross my mind? Oh, let's make that a short list.

-God, it's really fucking nice out today. What was the high? Eighty some damn degrees. Sunny. Warm, nay, hot when you're in the direct sun! I can't believe I'm even inside typing this! Christ! I also heard on the radio today that El Nino may cause a warmer than usual winter. Global warming, so tragic, so infuriating. But the fact that I might be able to put off fixing my car's heater a little bit longer provides me with some small consolation and I hope it does for you as well.

-So, heard about this Mark Foley guy? Republican Representative from Florida? Flirting online with a teenage boy who worked as a Congressional page? If you haven't heard about it, just forget I said anything, it's really creepy. This guy was part of the House committee on missing and exploited children. Oh, and some of his party mates have known of his proclivities for at least a year and didn't do anything about it. Nice.

-Ok, you know who John Krasinski from The Office is? Of course you do. He was on Late Night with Conan O'Brien a couple of weeks ago, but I just caught it. Did you know NBC replays Conan episodes a week after the first showing, but at 3 a.m.? Now you do know this, if you didn't know it previously. Well, John Krasinski's hair looked funny. Like my brother Chuck's senior yearbook picture from 1987. Only slightly less feathered.

-Here are some things I like about my job: professional atmosphere is sometimes welcome, not as weird as I thought it would be; boss gives clear expectations, feedback, respect; a good mix of routine and change, solitude and teamwork, for my personality; dress code gives me an excuse to buy new clothes (someday).

-I should tell you, I enjoy all of your blogs. I mean, at least most of your blogs, the ones I know about. I'm sorry I don't comment more, but I'm there reading on the regular. Blogs are weird weird things. Sometimes I think this will be like having a pet rock 30 years from now, only more like a pet rock that documents some of the poor choices and half assed opinions of my mid to late 20s.