My car has a snow-hawk!

Like a mohawk, but on a car and made of snow.

I drove to Fargo on Friday night. I drove back on Monday night. I drove back to Fargo Wednesday afternoon. I drove to St. Cloud on Thursday afternoon.

Friday it was foggy and the familiar curves and dips of I-94 were disguised. The dark was intense, the fog 3-D against the flat black. It was somewhere between Alex and Fergus, when something seemd weird. It was merely dark. A few seconds later my car and I disappeared into another wall of fog.

On Wednesday night I met R, S, & J at Paradiso. Then we went to the Town Hall. Drinks were cheap, so I magnanimously bought a round. After J left to go to his job, the guys at the next table interviewed us on our ice fishing habits and used the rankest sophistry to try to induce us to play pool. We were far too wise for them.

The next day my dad told me some guy he works with was beaten with a tire iron outside of the Town Hall bar a while ago.

I had to split this into two posts. It's very long.

I came to work last night to visit. I missed E. And the gentlemen who sit over yonder: I hadn't heard any references to 'gay chicken', creative euphemisms for excretory functions, etc, in a couple of days.

There are a lot of balloons at my desk.

On the trip home yesterday, it was stormy up through Albany or so. Then it stopped snowing, even, and it was like the fog-moment of a few days ago; it took a few seconds to realize what was different. I like driving in bad weather every once in a while.

I'm going

up to Fargo to see some people I've known for a long, long time. It will be fun.

HGTV

I watched a lot of HGTV this weekend. I guess that's how we celebrate Christmas. HGTV is, well, I don't know. Some of the shows follow a certain formula, trying to build suspense about things that are fundamentally only mildly interesting. Which huge fucking house in the stupid-expensive suburb will the yuppies buy? Will a different set of yuppies be able to auction off their family heirlooms for enough money to pay for new wallpaper in their dining room? I watched this stuff for a couple of hours between eating and napping.

Christopher Hitchens is awesome

I love Christopher Hitchens. Have I mentioned that? Did you see him on the Daily Show a few months ago? Or on Penn & Teller Bullshit, chewing Mother Theresa a new one? And the time is ripe for another installment of Writers Whose Writing I Enjoy Very Much. I don't agree with him 50-70% of the time, but how often do you get to hear from an atheist/conservative? Here, as a Christmas treat, I present an excerpt and a link to his column on Slate.

See ya later, alligators.

"This was a useful demonstration of what I have always hated about the month of December: the atmosphere of a one-party state. On all media and in all newspapers, endless invocations of the same repetitive theme. In all public places, from train stations to department stores, an insistent din of identical propaganda and identical music. The collectivization of gaiety and the compulsory infliction of joy. Time wasted on foolishness at one's children's schools. Vapid ecumenical messages from the president, who has more pressing things to do and who is constitutionally required to avoid any religious endorsements."

Cheery Mishmash, everybody!

Unless you are not the Christmas type, for whatever reason, then just have a lovely weekend. Sometimes I just want to stay home and have pizza on Christmas. But my mom would tweak.

Ignore the following advice. Who the hell do I think I am? I'm not going to do any of these things.

Eat something good. Don't eat things you don't like; if someone makes you feel guilty about not eating their holiday specialty, invite them to bite you. Hopefully they will not take you up on it, but will take the message in the spirit intended. Life is too finite to eat cookies that taste like crap and baking soda.

Practice calmness and forbearance and reflection when you see kids throwing tantrums in the stores. It must be hard to be a kid this time of year, hauled all over town shopping, visiting dumb relatives, having advertising for everything in the whole world shoved at you constantly, not being able to process it. It's no wonder they freak out every so often. And avoid getting pissed off at the parents not understanding, fer instance, that a 3 year old out at 9 p.m. on a Tuesday, surrounded by loud people and toys they cannot have, might be easily upset. Does it really get you anywhere? No, it does not.

Don't buy anything for a few days or a week. Even groceries, if you can make it on what you have on hand.

Flip off Santa at the mall, but make sure no one else notices but you and Santa. Asshole never brings me what want.

THIS Is ThE BEST Website ever

http://www.cuteoverload.com/

It has pictures of a lot of cute things, mostly baby animals, which are the cutest thing ever, right? Unfortunately 'overload' is an apt description and I think I've fallen victim to a cuteness overdose and I may be very cranky, borderline evil for the rest of the day.

I don't hear phrases like 'breathtaking inanity' used often enough in reports on current events.

News article on a ruling about intelligent design. Unconstitutional for some reason. Students are told evolution is only a theory and other ideas--why, how about intelligent design? -- should be considered. Wasn't the word 'theory' already being taught, maybe other basic terms?

Also, this "war against Christmas" crap... got an e-mail from my mom today (of course a forward), with a picture of a Christmas tree, explaining that it wasn't a Hanukkah bush or, my favorite, "an Allah plant" (wouldn't it be an Eid Evergreen?). Is this really a problem? Jon Stewart said it right. Saying "Happy Holidays" isn't an attack on Christianity. It's a timesaver.

Hey, when God's judgement rains down on us like so much ... rain, do you prefer cataclysm (not evenly distributed) or apocalypse (get it over with)?

Reading plans

I'm scrapping my reading plan. Screw it. I have been reading some books I got at Goodwill this summer. The Death of Vishnu by Manil Suri. A Sideways Look at Time by Jay Griffiths. Right now the time book is just annoying. Vishnu is still dying, his horse just showed up.

JJ's last day.

The desk between CN and me will be empty. Another one bites the dust. We will brave on. Power through. Et cetera.

Il neige.

Last night, when I cleaned off my car, I noticed that this snow is perfect for snowballs, snow persons, and forts. It has a foolish consistency, a little sticky, pellety, crunchy and somehow a little fluffy. I wished there were people around with whom to frolic. But it was 1 a.m. When I got inside my apartment, I could hear someone screaming outside, but I felt too shy to go out and ask for their help building a snowman. With a corncob pipe (or a cigar) and a button nose (I only have baby carrots in the fridge) and two eyes made out of coal (I might have charcoal somewhere). Then it would come to life. Terrifying. And such a responsibility. Mea culpa, dear snowthing.

I haven't looked on my balcony lately. I wonder how much snow has accumulated there. If it's a lot, I could play quietly there. I've always wanted to make a Calvin & Hobbes-style snowman, like in the strips awesome Rhonda sent me the other day.

After work, I babysat CN's kids for a couple of hours. Well, not really, they were asleep the whole time. I thought about waking them up so we could hang out. But instead I just laid on the couch, and read Blogagaard's book and watched TV.

Ooh, did anyone watch Carson Daly last night? Yeah. His guest was Jennifer Love Hewitt. His ex. He seemed genuinely nervous. It was, if not great tv, interesting tv. His show was less sucktastic than usual.

Let's learn about turtles and Scandinavians

Dictionary.com's Word of the Day for Tuesday December 13, 2005

carapace \KAIR-uh-pace\, noun: 1. The thick shell that covers the back of the turtle, the crab, and other animals. 2. Something likened to a shell that serves to protect or isolate from external influence.


Merriam-Webster's Word of the Day for December 13
glogg \GLUG\ noun
: a hot spiced wine and liquor punch served in Scandinavian countries as a Christmas drink

Why did we always have lutefisk on Christmas Eve, and not glogg? I would like to try some glogg. Has anyone out there had the privilege?

Crapnasty: Student

Crapnasty starts school next month. I am super excited for her, and jealous. I've thought about going back to school, but it gives me the creeping willies. My plan is to go back someday.

Anyway, CN has her student ID, and the picture is really good. She got all her classes, but she doesn't have her books yet. I think she should get those cool Lisa Frank folders with the freaky looking kittens, but I doubt she'll agree. She is tolerant but not encouraging of my blogging about her new adventure. Does anyone have advice for our friend embarking on her new student career? Note well, she didn't actually ask for this advice, so don't worry about your advice being taken. My advice: Watch out for upperclassmen. They like freshman girls because "they don't know any better." Like that guy, you know, your husband? I think he digs you.

Nightlife in the big city

Long post, I know. Just skim it, I don't care.

1.)Downtown bars. DB Searles, the Rox, the Red Carpet. A lot of options within walking distance of each other, but you can't park downtown after 2 am or something like that. Widest variety of live music options. It's really close to campus; obnoxiously busy sometimes. Cops everywhere at bar close - I'm just sayin'.

2.) Hick bars & quasi-hick bars. The Shitty Limits, the Hitchin' Post (currently known as Dusty's), Benton Station, Pesty's, various Legions, VFWs and Lodges. Cheap drinks. Interesting crowd. Might get to see a fight or a karaoke contest. Atmosphere can be enjoyed ironically, or once you get drunk, patriotically in the AmLeg or VFW.

3.) Non-downtown, non hick bars.

a. Chains. Friday's, Applebee's, Ground Round, Granite City, Space Aliens. Dullsville, squaresville. Not impressive to blogfriends. Great for appetizers, but drinks are relatively expensive.

b. Not chains. O'Hara's, Jimmy's Pourhouse, Bear Creek. Varieties of entertainment. Get to support local businesses. Uneven service.

4.) Bowling alleys, pool halls. Vilo's, those other places. People expect you to bowl or whatever. Bad lighting, which may be a plus.

5.) Non bars

a.) Restaurants including: Perkins, McMillan's. Open all the time, but high in saturated fat and cholesterol. Delicious cholesterol. Risk being seated next to various loud, drunk types, or what's worse, old people.

b.) Coffee shops. Java Joint, Meeting Grounds. Moody teenagers all over the place. Feel out of place without tattoos and piercings. Or the opposite problem: infestations of yuppies.

c.) Somebody's house or apartment, or better yet, somebody's garage! Pros & cons depends on the place. Garages are a little creepy, let's face it. Oas has a pool table in the basement, & a big screen HDTV, but a psycho cat is waiting... lurking ...thirsty for your blood. My living room has 1 comfortable chair, and a blurry 27 inch screen tv; I have no pets, and I don't keep a lot of booze on hand. Anymore. Yet, I enjoy the space. As for Rainbow's, your own taste will dictate if this is a pro or con, but he has a small penis sculpture near the fireplace. His cats are cute and friendly. There's usually a good mix of people at his soirees.

d.) Break into a closed library, pet store or greeting card store. Haven't tried this yet, may have an update on Monday.

Anything I've missed or suggestions for new places to try?

Dispatch from Baghdad

From Slate: ""I've always respected John Murtha as a patriot and a friend of the military," said first-grader Abdul Zeki. "So I was somewhat surprised that he has taken the Jane Fonda position on the war." ...
But the debate soon subsided as the adorable children divided up for a game of peshmurga vs. Baathist dead-enders. By staying the course, the peshmurga eventually won."

Anywhere But Here

I went to high school with this guy. Interesting. Good artist. Still, a terrible speller. Isn't it funny how you don't see people for a long time, then you hear about them...? Well, I don't know, it's just weird.

In other non-news,
I thought Rainbow & CN would appreciate this article on Slate.com, which descibes the BEP song "My Hump" as "so bad as to veer toward evil."

Procrastination Station

I'm told that panda-watching beats doing homework. It sounds true to me. Sadly, I can't see the pandas on this computer. You should look at the pandas. There's a photo gallery if they aren't doing anything exciting when you go.

Animal Planet Panda Live Cam

Hot gossip about Nick & Jessica

Insiders reveal the secret tragedy after the breakup: Jessica wasted away and died! And Lucas was thrilled to hear it, but who wasn't? Nick isn't doing that great either, he's kind of a celery green color.

Oh, crackers.

I went to TGI Friday's twice this weekend. What does this say about me as a person? It says that I like the Jack Daniels barbecue sauce. Yes, it does. On Friday night, Whackly actually came out with us. He had a drink! No, two drinks! I think he was in a good mood because he'd left his friend to die in the cold, or something.

Saturday I went to the big show, Lit 6 at Creative Electric. Well, I got there before the very end. I made a wrong turn at Albuquerque, as the wascally wabbit used to say. It was good. Psycho Suzy's was good. All you people are pretty much like you are, you know? Cheap beer is good, tater tots are good.

I was supposed to go to a party in St. C Saturday night, but I was too damned tired when I got home. I planned to go to the Harry Potter movie Sunday night, but I was too damned tired after going out for dinner. Today, my internet connection is slow as hell, so I'm going back to my book. I'm tired as hell, but it's good.

Well, I don't know about all y'all.

But I'm in a much better mood today. But my computer is slow here at work. Check out these adorable animal pictures Crapnasty showed me. They are from MSN.

I would really like to be at home right now.

I work in customer service. The following paragraph only applies to about 1% of customers.

If you have had 15 trouble calls and your picture isn't completely perfect, or your phone still has static, perhaps it's time to stop threatening to go to a different provider and just do it. Clearly it's not working out, and it's time to cut your losses. If you call us 7 times a day for a week straight, for any reason, and/or you think we have it in for you personally, you might be crazy, or at least an asshole. I mean, I do hate you, but it's transitory, fleeting. After we hang up I forget all my former enmity. Nobody here cares enough to spend time and effort messing your shit up, am I right? And I don't hate all customers. But this guy I'm talking to right now, he's a drag on society and needs to be eliminated.

Is contempt for all humanity a good enough reason to go home sick? An argument could be made.

Hey'all what up? I should be working but it is a project that never ends and i get to take my time so i am going to post on here and on my other blog too! WOO HOO!
Harry Potter?! C'mon you guys! Seriously why take the time and money? But to each their own i guess. Y'all go see that and i will be next door seeing Rent again!
Hope y'all are doin well! And remember tomorrow is iambic pentameter wednesday!
Peace out kids

Hey, who's got Asperger's?

Guess what? I'm not autistic, not quite autistic! Yay! Although it would be nice to be better at math. (Please don't be offended if you or someone you know is affected by these disorders.) I was looking at a blog on Sunday that I can't find now. This guy took the DSM diagnosis info for Asperger's syndrome and compared himself with it. Some of the traits remind me of me, especially when I was a bit younger; some of them remind me of people I know -- and you know who you are! Don't even lie. Anyway, I was looking for the guy's blog and found the following OkCupid Test, which was found originally on Wired.com but it's broken. And I couldn't get the html from OkCupid to work either. feh

I got a 30, if you are curious, which is higher than 70% of people my age and gender, but still sub-clinical. And isn't that what Christmas is all about?

I love these plants.

Well, I like 'em pretty well, for not dying, yet. On the left I think it's a moss rose; probably not long for this world, but it could still rally. On the right, well, if you can tell me what it is I'd be much obliged. I keep forgetting to ask. My dad dug them up from the yard and potted them for me to take home. "Oh, daddums," I said, "That seems ever such a cruel fate for two such innocent plants." I was haunted by the demise, all untimely, of two little fish some years back. But he insisted. So I put it by the balcony door, opened the shade a bit for some light, watered it every couple of days. When I went home again mom gifted me with her plant light. Perhaps they'll be a little healthier. I have the lamp on a timer so they get six hours of pseudo-sun a day. Does that sound about right? Also, would a grow light kill a vampire? Things I need to know.

Contest: name the plants! If your name is chosen, I will give you a stale LeeAnn Chin fortune cookie.

I can't think of anything I have to do,

but I feel like there's something I'm forgetting.

I think I will set up my Christmas tree today, maybe tomorrow. It's really winter now, people, maybe not based on the position of the northern hemisphere in relation to the sun or whatever hoodoo, but I had to scrape frost off my car windows this morning, and that's friggin winter.

Right now I am curled up in two blankets (Johnson, I borrowed your blanket!), as cozy as I can be in a desk chair.

Thanksgiving Aftermath

Ok, green bean casserole is not actually that great. And did you know that Campbell's Cream of Mushroom soup and French's Onions offer different recipes on their labels? We settled for the Campbell's version, but added the soy sauce suggested by the fine people at French's.

My nephew was there, didn't think he would be. I tried to get a picture, but he was too fast for me. The little girls rifled through my purse, interrupted my nap, and tried to give me another makeover, but I dodged 'em. Everybody was in a pretty good mood. Two of three brothers were there. It didn't start snowing until after I got back to Cloud. A reasonably satisfactory holiday.

Also, I went from this blog to this one to this, a handy, inspiring countdown to the end of Bush's second term. My favorite line from their Top Ten Reasons to Purchase a BackwardsBush Keychain: Carrying a BackwardsBush keychain will make it much easier on the Secret Service to identify you when they break into your house in the middle of the night to take you to Guantanamo.

Buy Nothing Day & Thanksgiving Niceness

Heard of this? Just don't buy anything on that crazy hyped up Black Friday of Retail! Brought to you by the fine people at Adbusters. Here's a Motley Fool article that takes the concept beyond anti-corporate, anti-materialism protest, and goes into the more persuasive realm of self interest. Cancel Christmas. Well, not totally.

I am thankful, this Thanksgiving, that there is so much worthless shit available to buy, and further thankful that I am not going to buy it. Probably.

I am making green bean casserole for Thanksgiving with my family. When it involves fewer than five ingredients and no skill, I am a super cook. And my nieces will be there, which is very nice. We only get them every other holiday. The nephew will be with his other dad. Bummer. When he was about 3 1/2 he left me the nicest answering machine message I ever got. I could hear my mom coaching him in the background. "Hi, Bamie. I wuv oo Bamie. Byeeee." That's all for now, everybody have a happy Thanksgiving, and shop or not, as you prefer.

Football fans

Hey, did you know there are a lot of Green Bay fans in California?

types of nerds. holidays

Yesterday, some people derided me for being a "literary nerd". That just means I like to read. These persons are "regular nerds", or computer/tech geeks and also cable nerds. They look down on me, because they have marketable skills and I just have some books. I told them I am going to start identifying and celebrating obscure literary holidays (birthdays? publication dates?), with appropriate beverages, and maybe activities. And you're not invited!

Jane Austen: white soup, negus, Madeira wine, tea. I don't know what the first two are, but we'll make do.
Bloomsday: Guinness, I guess. There's maybe something better.
Dorothy Parker: "I love a martini -- but two at the most. Three I’m under the table; Four, I’m under the host.”
Robert Burn: Scotchy, scotch scotch. And gie her a haggis. But I'm not having any haggis.

Any ideas for other writers? Or nerd holidays of any decription. Ever heard of Mole Day?

Posting rules & etiquette

Voix has another excellent post, blogging about blogging, basically. A great companion piece to this. Blogagaard also ponders blogging, and there seems to be some sort of assemblage of these types tomorrow, in Minneapolis. Be warned! Be alert! Be prepared!

I don't really have anything to blog about blogging, it's just fun. Also, today I bought some candles and some pants.

Super Dirty!

I can't even describe it.
http://srmcclurg.blogspot.com/

Blogger Happy Hour Fun Times?

From la Michèle: "A gang of us will be at Psycho Suzi's Motor Lounge on Saturday evening after the Lit 6 Project show. I'm guessing we should be over there by 7:30ish. What do you guys think?"

I know I can't make it, but y'all have fun. Hey, if anyone is in central Minnesota, come to Legends bar in the Holiday Inn. It's at the intersection of highways 15 and 23, you betcha. Saturday night, after 8 pm. It's actually CN's mom's shindig, but whatever. Her mom is awesome.

James Joyce

It's time for another installment of "writers I like pretty good", an irregular feature on JTT. Quite a switch, from online advice columnists. But here it is, from Araby, in Dubliners: "Gazing up into the darkness, I saw myself as a creature driven and deried by vanity; and my eyes burned with anguish and anger."

Another dream

In the dream I had to take a test; there was a list of names and clues to match up. It was really inane, like one clue had the word Ritz in it, and it was referring to someone with the last name "Cracker". I couldn't do two of questions, I turned it in with those spaces blank. My former supervisor was giving the test. She rolled her eyes at me when I handed it in. We all left to get in our cars and go home. Some of us had to park down the street, I had to pay $20 to park there, so did my old boss, but her car was missing from the lot. Mine was there but at first I walked too far down the street and had to turn back. That's pretty much the whole dream, as far as I can remember.

I had a similar dream a few weeks ago, that time I was in a spelling bee, but in the final round, we had to memorize something and recite it to the audience. But then that wasn't what we were really supposed to do, and I couldn't find anything I liked, or memorize anything anyway.

I've never had the 'oh, no, I didn't study for this test!' dream, but these seem to be of the same theme. Borrring! It's so boring! Stop boring me, dreams! And everybody else is bored too!

No subject

It's dark outside. I noticed it was starting to get dark at 4:45. I super hate that a lot. I woke up this morning, not all that early, and the sun was not out, and I said "fuck it" and went back to sleep. Eventually I did get out of bed, and I went for breakfast with Crapnasty and Rainbow Flyer before they headed down to the Cities for shopping and the concert tonight. Those crazy kids with their hippity-hop music.

Define yourself.

Or let these quizzes do it for you. They appear to be based on no particular authority, but I'm sure they wouldn't be on the internet if they weren't highly accurate.

I am a nerd! Are you a nerd, a dork, a geek or a regular Joe?

I am a robot! What's your personality defect?

I'm Myrna Loy!
Which classic movie dame are you?

Do not get in his way

For he is a bad, bad man!




Oh, sure. He looks all friendly, and surprised, too. It's the body language, though, to which you must play particular attention.

Oneiric

oneiric \oh-NY-rik\, adjective: Of, pertaining to, or suggestive of dreams; dreamy.

This is a good word for today. It took me a while to wake up this morning. I had dreams about normal everyday stuff, which is confusing. I was half awake, thinking I should really look at my clock to see how much longer I could sleep. Then I slipped into a dream where I was looking at the alarm clock on the bedside table, but I was standing up, not lying in bed, and the clock was changing from 8:38 to 9:39 and back again. I woke for real a few minutes later, it was much later than I thought it was in the dream. It reminded me of when I lost my watch a few years ago; I had a recurring dream of finding my watch. I would wake up thinking I had it, but no. Stupid dream, right? I thought for a while it meant Something Deep and Significant, but now I think not so much. I just needed to get a new watch or get out of the habit of wearing one. So I don't wear a watch anymore.

What is the stupidest dream you have had?

Weird but I kind of like it.

Catlebrity

So, how was everybody's weekend?

Um. How was my weekend, while you're at it? Ha, ha. Just kidding. But seriously folks, a few questions:
Does anyone else remember crapnasty telling me she was going to bite me? And me responding, "I will punch you right in the face!" But we were being funny about it. And why was she going to bite me?

Did I really say, "I hate my socks!"? That seems like the kind of overstatement I would make, but I was quite fond of those socks until I walked around Pesty's in them, and then outside, and into aoasus's house. Thanks for the socks, by the way. You will never see them again. They are incredibly comfortable.

Where did I get the cigars? There were two left in the box I found in my purse. I think I was found 'em at aoasus's house, and he said they were his roommate's & I should take them. But maybe I just stole them. But why? And does anyone want them?

Does anyone remember me lying under the coffee table, or was that a dream I had later?

Next time, could you guys remind me that I am the type of person who should not mix the two substances I mixed on Friday night? It would be ever so lovely if you would. I was sick for 12 hours. I felt like I'd been poisoned.

Can you believe crapnasty? I was shocked, shocked! But then I am a tremendous hypocrite. Also, she told me of some craziness, that I don't think any of us saw! She is fun.

Doordolt, we can't remember if we saw you, uh, how to say?, mix the substances? Thanks for the ride, glad I didn't puke in your car.


Marvin freak: Did you have fun? You were pretty quiet. No spankings at all!

RF: we danced a lot! wowza. How did you feel the next day? How much fun are we going to have on Saturday? Answer: a lot of fun!!! Did you see the pic Tiff took of us?

What time did the birthday girl leave? Did you guys meet her daughters? Did the waitstaff really confiscate the make-Jen-drink cowbells?

Ok, I expect answers to all of these questions, people.

Sorry, no livestock pictures. Just a boring post about books.

I'm going into my annual bookthing, reading the books I reread every year. I had a start in August, but quit. There was a stretch there where I didn't have a book going at all, just read magazines and blogs and junk. I am doing the scary book thing right now.

Next, Dubliners. This time I should read it in small doses; it is very melancholy. Then I'll try Portrait again, haven't gotten through it yet. I'll take a break, cleanse my palate with a few back issues of the National Enquirer when I go home for Thanksgiving.

I should get through the rest of the list (Austen, the Brontes, Forster) by the Superbowl, if I really want to and I don't end up going out to the bars three nights a week. But that sounds pretty good too.

Villains! Blackguards! Persons of ill repute!

I am excessively indignant today. Someone stole my spinach dip from the fridge at work! I am indignant! I made a little sign and put it on the fridge!

I've rarely been a victim of the office lunch-napper. Once or twice a soda has gone missing, never to be heard from again. It's just dip, and worse things have happened. But I'm sure I've read somewhere, somewhere, that it is a pathological and sick thing to do.

Our thief or thieves are just too lazy and cheap to get their own food. Or maybe they enjoy the transgressive nature of the act. Or maybe I brought the dip home last night, and forgot. That would be awesome!

Halloween is gone and dead

I'm leaving the decor on top of my computer monitor at work a little while longer. The cute little mini-gravestones remind one that life is finite and should not be wasted on work.



This isn't what my display looks like, but very close. Shut up. It does so.

Opposing repression, orthodoxy, and collectivism!

J. Johnson pointed me to this site. She found it while she was doing research for one of her classes.
http://www.promethea.org/
Umm. I'm scared they're going to come and get me if I make fun of them. So, you guys mock them in the comments and we'll see what happens. It's a little libertarian, a little anarcho-capitalism, a dash of Objectivism, with a side order of eugenics!
So, you ask, what is Prometheanism? I still don't know. But here's a start. Psych! Not so much. But it gives you a taste.

Prometheanism is the philosophy that inspired the foundation of the Promethean movement. It is especially concerned with inspiring and guiding the actions of those within the movement, especially Prometheans, the leaders of the movement, who have the task of exploring, developing, and clarifying Prometheanism for themselves and others. Prometheanism as a philosophy certainly has something to contribute to the lives of everyone, however, not only those who are involved with the Promethean movement.

Saturday, working

-- Weekend plans: going to RF's house today, going to see the Music Man Sunday, going to sleep and lounge as much as possible. Hey, how IS that tasty punch spelled? Pronounced "wahp" so we could just spell it like that.

Which leads to next topic, Halloween: I am going as a Gypsy, or fortune teller, or whatever. I have provided myself with a makeshift crystal ball, which can be flipped over and filled with tasty beverages. Also, fortune telling cards (not Tarot) and other sundries.

Haiku Friday

Avocado ranch
Double stack quesadillas
mmm mmm so so good

Both of y'all pussies!
HA! Its funny cause its true!
Much love! Peace out kids!

(ha that's 2 haikus! I'm so good!)

Friday's post

I don't feel like writing haiku today. Maybe crapnasty will, she's good at it.

Unsatisfying fortune cookies

Lately (over the past several months, really) I've had a spate of bad fortune cookies. Stale, crumbly, untasty. The fortunes have been open to interpretation, and not perhaps as sanguine as one would wish a dessert item's prognostications to be.

Here is an example.
"You have a capacity for enjoying life." This capacity renders the unremitting grimness of your existence all the more tragic. Oh, Lee Ann Chin fortune cookie, why did you have to say what we were both thinking?

Of course, when I start using words like 'unremitting', 'sanguine' and anything so needlessly polysyllabic as 'prognostication'... it's probably time to go out for a beer.

How to...

CityPages directed me to this. Have you guys seen it before? Become a Republican. Funny, true, a little strident for my taste.

Capsule review of "Elizabethtown"

Ahem. It mostly sucked, but most of the time it wasn't painfully bad. My expectations were low, and I was not disappointed. The lead actors were very pretty but bland, and the music and everything else was one cliche after another. (is that a cliche too?)

I closed my eyes and tried to sleep during the most boring or annoying bits. At least one of my friends was disappointed. One other was perfectly content, because it had the requisite cheesy happy ending, and her taste runs to crap generally.

Oh, swoon.

It appears that today the hit counter on this humble blog will top the 1000 mark. I'm not sure that I care, but I am sure that no one else does.

In other boring news, you can now e-mail Jerry. The link is with the other links, under the heading "Links." Well, you can e-mail me, and I'll read it to him or Crapnasty probably will, because Jerry lives with her. Yep, it's like that.

I went to Fargo this weekend for my mom's birthday. I enjoy the drive, but the radio stations after Alex suck. Kicked up some leaves with the nephew and neices. My brother made a non-traditional but tasty cake, I think he made it in a bar pan. It was a little crispy at the edges and expertly frosted by the girls. Mo appropriated my make up bag and gave me a little makeover, while mom took pictures. Yeah! Three shades of eyeliner, on various parts of my face, the hot new look.

Poetry: leaping like live drops of rain.

Poetry is the clear expression of mixed feelings. -W.H. Auden, poet(1907-1973)

See you all on iambic pentameter Wednesday!

Inadvertent haiku

From Rainbow Flyer, upon being asked if he would be contributing a poem for Haiku Friday:

I don't get haikus
I do not care about it
Won't pretend I do.

Notes from the job search

_I hate looking for a job.


Once or twice a week, when someone else leaves, goes on an interview, talks over their prospects, a little frisson of panic creeps up my spine. For a couple of hours I'll look at job websites, look at my resume, read MSN articles on cover letters and corporate survival. I assure myself that I'm really getting started. I spent ten minutes inspecting various papers, linen, cotton, 24 lb, 32 lb, at Office Depot. You probably don't need me to tell you I haven't gotten much done.

Today I printed a few copies of my resume (thanks for the paper Rainbow!). There's a job fair at a major employer in town that is expanding. I was going to go, but no. My reasons are probably just excuses, so I won't bother going into it. I'm going for a walk instead.

Breathe fire. Just like a DRAGON.

I was just reading Voix de Michèle, and decided to add her to the links. She has a good list of blogging guidelines for writers, and she links to another rules list too. Maybe I'll cobble my own list together from both of them, and become a better blogger. I feel the self-improvement compulsion coming along again.

I was looking at scrapbooking stuff at the craft store this morning, during a break in my walk. I'm more the type who wishes they could be crafty, than actually are. (Wow. I thought about re-writing that last sentence but I just had to leave it as is.) I'd like to do stuff, but I don't. I was thinking if I pick up enough good or at least industrious habits, I can take back, maybe, one bad habit.

Like smoking. I have been thinking about smoking for the past two days. It started with the observation that the quotidian details of my day have changed very much since I quit. Two breaks and lunch at work, not standing outside, but having to find something to do, someone to chat with. Not standing out in the rain. Not stopping at the gas station every three days, or bumming from a co-worker who smokes menthols. A little more money in my pockets, in theory anyway. My hair and clothes and car don't smell like an ashtray.

The first time I got a cold (& eventually sinus infection) after quitting, I coughed my friggin lungs out, because, according to the nice doctor man, the cilia in my lungs are coming back. For a week, I would lay in bed at night, coughing for what felt like hours, sure I was getting asthma. Or tuberculosis. Or lung cancer. Late night hypochondria.

I hardly every go out on the balcony at my new apartment, because I don't need to in order to smoke. I still feel like I need something to do with my hands at restaurants and bars, but I have gone back to my pre-smoking (high school) habits of fidgeting, playing with menus, shredding food, lighting matches, reading every word of every flier, "specials" placard & sign on the wall.

What else sent me on this train of thought? I got a voicemail from a friend in Colorado, I thought about my trip there this spring, smoking, having a couple of beers and relaxing. The other friend who made the trip with me picked up 'social smoking' again after quitting years ago. The taste of Nat Sherman naturals, rich and complex, like strong coffee or a Guinness or deep deep red wine. Indulging myself by smoking too much, just like one might with booze or food or... something else.

One of my favorite reasons to smoke: a way to get away. To stand in the rain, get some silence, for a goddamn change. "Oh, I don't want to bother you with my smoke, I'll just step outside." I've taken to accompanying smokers outside once or twice (most memorably with J.J. at the Mall of America). But I was too tempted to smoke, even took a drag once.

Tales of roommates past...

Recently, Doll, an acquaintance from back in the long, long ago, reminisced with me. Her summer roommate, an exchange student named Fairzana or Falnaja or something, took a liking to my name and wandered through the apartment crooning "Soooomething Dirtyyy" like some cracked up ghost. She was weird, to put it concisely.

Her delightful shenaningans are comparable with Ms. Harris, of the 'you don't DESERVE cake,' the phone book thing (what was that again?), and other adventures.

I was going to go on in this vein, but... I think most readers have heard enough of my roommate stories. A final note, the lady reminding me about Foreignza was the same girl who wouldn't let her roommates use her garbage can because they weren't tidy enough with it. That's right, she pulled her garbage can into her room.

People are awesome. We've all been the crazy or super-annoying one at one time or another. Right?

Ooh baby baby

I was at a baby shower yesterday for a good friend. She's been married for...3 years I think? Damn.

Two guests who were recent new mothers began sharing their 'cute' stories of emergency c-sections, vomiting, episiotomy, various scars and traumas. "Did you throw up? I threw up so much!" One woman shared the following insight: "Can you imagine if you didn't know your husband? It would be so embarassing!" I guess it would be. Huh. Thanks for sharing, lady.

I had a hard time finding the place -- Yahoo maps lied! It said the turn was 0.7 miles down the road, more like 2 or 3 times that, by which time I was starting to hyperventilate. Better yet, I was looking for Meadow Oak Dr, and I saw Meadow Oak Av first, turned there, then I saw Meadow Oak LANE. The streets of Monticello need to shut the hell up.

I also got to see the pictures from my friends' wedding. T.V. got a photographer who had a sort of arty/journalistic style. Of course, I was mostly looking for pictures of me. Der. I only hated the way I looked in half of them, which is better than I expected.

Miscellany

Here's a bunch of stuff that I've saved up in my e-mail. Why, I don't know anymore. Hey, at least I've stopped e-mailing it to people, I'll post up here and you can just not read it, without having to delete it too.

Did you know...

fishers (fishermen, fisherpeople) usually harvest caviar from dead fish? Poor fishies. I never thought about it, as a non-consumer of fish eggs. I do remember that help-wanted website radio ad "You squeeze the feesh" in a heavy Russian accent.

advice to job-seekers is often discouraging, confusing and contradictory? Maybe it's not so at all, it's just how I'm feeling this week.

that I'm eating mint chocolate chip ice cream right now?
that Krissy brought ice cream to work today?
my ice cream is getting all melty?

"really, the more we discover new stuff, the stupider we get" ? Dahlia Lithwick is another entry in the sporadic series on writers I like pretty well. Intelligent design does it all!

Amsterdam is very gezellig?

"Gossip isn't just useless blather"? I would link to it, but it's from the NYT, so it's archived now. Gossip strengthens social bonds (duh) but more interesting, establishes boundaries, and enforces unspoken rules in groups. It's done equally by both genders, often in different ways and for different purposes.

Hey, this is one of those annoying blogs where, like, every other work is a hyperlink whatchacallit. I hate myself so very very much. (See "If these words were people, I would embrace their genocide.")

More fun!

City Pages has a wonderful list of blogs, if you can't find enough crap to read on the internet. I found some interesting new stuff.

Also, I miss TM already. Whyyy must everyone leeeeave?

The Pious and Humble Man Who Is Descended From the Devil, Secretary of Homeland Security

Haiku Friday... or "That's why, silly."

Sestet Saturday?
Why not Triolet Tuesday?
They're harder to write.

Encomium on a website.

Excellent website.
I love me some McSweeney's.
The lists are the best.

Hackiest Haiku Ever,
or: Trent, From Swingers, Performs an Exorcism

EX-NAZI NEIGHBOR.
Your New Personal Trainer.
Shut-In Detectives.

Somebody post something

All the zing has gone out of this blog stuff. I'm just posting because there hasn't been one since Monday. Please, somebody else post! So when I come to this page I don't have to look at my own thoughts. Or make a snappy comment on a post, that would be fine too.

I'm sort of hoping that when we all work elsewhere, whenever that happens, we can use these things to keep in touch a little bit. Organize potlucks, skeeball tournaments, that sort of thing -- set up over blog! But we'd have to work out a code so strangers don't show up! This is a credible risk!

Despair.com is a lot of fun, you should go there. Or hell. You could go there too.

Monday the funday

Must remember, being busy makes day go faster. Stupid billing calls. How 'bout reading the bill before calling in with questions? Save us both some time. The plaintive yet boring cry of the CSR.

Various quotes

Questions show the mind's range, and answers its subtlety. -Joseph Joubert,essayist (1754-1824)

Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on or by imbeciles who really mean it. -Mark Twain, author and humorist (1835-1910)

No matter how far you have gone on the wrong road, turn back. -Turkish proverb

"Being offended is the natural consequence of leaving one's home.I do not like after- shave lotion, adults who roller-skate, children who speak French, or anyone who is unduly tan. I do not, however, go around enacting legislation and putting up signs."Fran Lebowitz

Do you think class matters in America?

Well, you are WRONG. Unless you are right. It totally does, buster. The New York Times recently did a series of articles on class distinctions and they have this sort of cool interactive graphic you can try out to see where you fall. It's sort of a meaningless exercise unless you fall in the "upper middle" or higher, you elitist snob, or you needed to shore up your inferiority complex.
NY Times interactive graphic
I did it and I'm somewhere in the 40s percentile-wise. I guess I was boosted in the rankings by the dollar value of my collectible spoons and that year of secretarial school.

Blogspam-arama-ding dong!

"Anonymous said...
Hi! I just found your website. I like it a lot, and will definitely link you! I also have a website, about COSY spectra. Please stop by with all your COSY questions and... Ahh, fuck it. Who am I kidding? You don't care. Nobody cares. I'm a failure as comment spam. I'm going back to penis enlargement offers. That's a field with a future."

Excellent comment from an excellent blog, http://forksplit.blogspot.com/.

Thirsty Thursday

So it's been almost a week without any posts. Yesterday sucked at work, two people left for other jobs (another has her last day today, another next week, a bunch more), there were storm outages on a bunch of channels (the tower still doesn't have power), we had to go into the hall outside the NOC for a tornado warning, now I'm running out of things to whine about. I will think of more.

All the local air channels were out. Why do people think the cable company broadcasts the shows that are on the channels the cable company provides? We aren't actually affiliated with NBC, sir. I don't know when the Martha Stewart Apprentice will be rebroadcast, and I couldn't give the tiniest rat's ass. "Yah, you got any idea what's causing these channels not to work?" It went out three minutes ago, and does it matter why, as long as it gets fixed? I found out today the tower lost power.

It was fun watching the weather guy on KARE 11 after work. He was all pissed about people complaining about shows being pre-empted for weather alerts. "A guy died tonight! I'm not going to apologize for going on the air during dangerous weather!"

Rockin out in Hawley

Some kids in Hawley (about 20 minutes from Fargo) did a pretty awesome cover of Whip It, and a faithful rendition of the video as well, I believe. From MN Speak.

Delicious new links

I'm light-headed more than usual today, what with the concern of co-workers and the heady aroma of magic markers filling the air.

Semi-local blogs:
Slanderous Minneapolis: 87% meretricious persiflage, 172% good times.
MN Speak: 1st day I've read it, they seem to have a problem with Garrison Keillor, which I like.
Ironic Teachings: I don't know, it was linked by the other two, seems pretty good.

Corollary to my previous post

Do you ever dislike someone for no good reason? I do. I'm conflicted, I don't believe we have to like everyone, but the guilt is still there. Sometimes I'm really super nice to people, because I don't like them. It's a sick, sick midwestern girl thing. There's another category, people it's difficult to even acknowledge, much less be nice to. The members of this subgroup are usually nice to me, and really only marginally annoying, and aren't universally hated by my peer group, but all I can manage is a sickly sneer or a brief 'how ya doin' if I absolutely can't avoid them (this is the same reaction I have to unfamiliar or scary people or imaginary people). The upshot is I can almost always find someone to share my spite.

Maybe you've had this experience too.

You get to know someone. Generally you think they're all right. But over time, they start to set off your bullshit meter in an almost startling manner. If they said "hello" you'd think, "what are you after?". They just creep you out. Usually the BS-ometer goes off right away, but even the most finely-tuned instrument can be fooled, and here's one reason: Bullshitters believe their own bullshit, and their certainty can be contagious. I can be easily creeped out, and once that line's been crossed, it's hard to get un-creeped without solid evidence that my impression was wrong. (If you think you know who I'm talking about, I bet you don't. Not that it matters.)

I recently picked up this delightful volume, haven't read it yet.

Poll smoker

Stupid pun.

Here's how it stands in the poll about whether to keep the poll - it's so meta! "I don't care, you are boring" is in the lead with 2 votes. 1 each in the two 'yes' categories. So I guess that's a tie. The one vote for 'no, keep it for whatever reason' was from me, I'm pretty sure.

I think I'll just take it down. The popups in themselves aren't so bad, but they take forever to load so you can close them.

In other news, madgal & I seem to be fighting the same malady. Sore throat, achy feeling. Our symptoms aren't exactly the same though.

I attempted to drown the virus (I'm guessing it's a virus anyway) in beer last night. Fuzzy head already, beer makes it worse better. I was thinking I only had 3, but it was 3 tall beers, 22 oz each. That's like 5 1/2 bottles. And the sickness continues unabated!

More kerfuffle at work, more exits, which, as everyone keeps saying, at least means more going-away parties. Still. I don't care.

update: the polls are closed! thanks for your votes, both of you.

Quick note on Katrina

How can we help? I don't know, I don't know, I don't know.
First hand account from an "Email attributed to NOLA rescue worker":

The poorest 20% (you can argue with the number -- 10%? 18%? no one knows) of the city was left behind to drown. This was the plan. Forget the sanctimonious bullshit about the bullheaded people who wouldn't leave. The evacuation plan was strictly laissez-faire. It depended on privately owned vehicles, and on having ready cash to fund an evacuation. The planners knew full well that the poor, who in new orleans are overwhelmingly black, wouldn't be able to get out. The resources -- meaning, the political will -- weren't there to get them out. (emphasis mine)

True that.

Some donation ideas from Wonkette: The Red Cross will take your blood if you don't have cash!

But before you get too drunk to dial or click, we suggest you get out your credit card. The Wonkette household gave at least four or five rounds worth (somewhere nice, too) to the Red Cross -- we like them especially because they'll take your blood if you can't give them cash. (They need both.) In good-bad news, their site seems to be clogged, so try calling: 1-800-435-7669. The megabloggers are keeping lists of other worthy charities if you want to be "different." If you have more than a few dollars to spare, consider tossing some kibble toward those who can't
ask for charity: The Humane Society and Noah's Wish will be attempting to rescue the hundreds if not thousands of pets left abandoned because of the disaster.

I'm a joiner.

There's a hot new cult in town, and I want to join. Seriously, I just want to be a part of something. To feel comforted and secure. To be relieved of decision making responsibilities/abilities. But I want the cult to be straightforward with me as well. It's like, hello? Just tell me you want me to cut off all ties with my family, OK? No big deal, looking forward to it. But don't try to trick me into it. Total deal breaker.

The This is a Cult blog is intriguing. Could be what I've been seeking all these years.

"I look at all the cash Hubbard’s boys rake in. I was reading that getting the whole alien spirits possessing your body secret costs like $200 grand. And they want years to get you to that point. I will reveal our most serious religious revelations for $100,000, and I’ll tell you as soon as the check clears. "

I like your style, buddy. Mostly. I think I'd get bored in a cult, though. How do you sustain that sort of passion? Sure brainwashing helps, but there's got to be something more.

Secrets & Lies

I've heard of this site, but never went there. Postsecret.

Postcards of secrets. I don't know why, but I think some of them are fake.

Some are too well designed. I picture various arty types waiting anxiously to see their card make the site.

Which book are you?

New quiz. http://bluepyramid.org/ia/bquiz.htm
This is which book I am:

You're Ulysses! by James Joyce Most people are convinced that you don't make any sense, but compared to what else you could say, what you're saying now makes tons of sense. What people do understand about you is your vulgarity, which has convinced people that you are at once brilliant and repugnant. Meanwhile you are content to wander around aimlessly, taking in the sights and sounds of the city. What you see is vast, almost limitless, and brings you additional fame. When no one is looking, you dream of being a Greek folk hero.

Good times

Doonesbury.
It's good stuff. It's about blogs today.

The Weekend

On Saturday, I was taking my nieces to the park. They were each riding one of my old bikes: Co on the pink & gray striped ten speed w/the skinny tires, Mo on the later-era 'mountain bike', this one pink and purple. Both very cool, awesome bikes. Mo wanted me to ride 'her' bike, so I did. I went down the road a little ways, and started to turn in the little t intersection by the railroad crossing, when the girls started yelling, "Where are you going?! Come back! We can't go near the railroad tracks without a grown up!"

I advised them that I am, in fact, a grown up.
Co (9 years old): "How old ARE you?"
Me: 27.
Mo (almost 8): "Do you have kids?"
Me: Yes. I have several children, but didn't want them falling under your influence, Mo, so you've never seen them.
That was pretty much it. We went to the park and had a fine time.

Everything is louder today. Is that possible?

Has anyone tried Green Goodness juice by Bolthouse Farms? Tastes like a Fruit Rollup, with apple, kiwi and banana (this ssss is bananas: B-A-N-A-N-A-S) being the dominant fruit flavors. Then you read the rest of the ingredients as you contemplate the very greenness of its goodness: chlorella, wheat grass, odorless garlic, spirulina, other stuff. Delicious. Delightful. Delovely. So now I'm superhealthy. Somebody recommended wheat grass as an excellent hangover cure, if you really must know, and Green Goodness was her recommendation as a half-assed but tastier substitute.

Good link:
Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Under the Patriot Act, we don't have to tell you that.

Food for Thought...Delicious.

From today's Merriam Webster word of the day email:

The Word of the Day for August 18 is:
meme \MEEM\ noun
: an idea, behavior, style, or usage that spreads from person to person within a culture

Has anyone else noticed this word around a lot in the past couple of weeks?
Here's my point: Doesn't almost every 'idea, behavior, style, or usage' spread from person to person? Sometimes two people spontaneously come up with the same idea with no reference to each other, sure. Other than it's fun to say meeeeeem! -- what interests me is the twin factors of something both evolving, and being contagious in a sense. But it's not just trendiness. Or is it? Is it just a smartypants way saying something is trendy? I'm pretty sure this is kinda pointless, but what the hell, it's my day off. I vacuumed the living room, that's my big contribution to society for today.

another good thing

Continuing the 'writers I like pretty well' series, and keeping the advice column theme, here's a selection from Dear Prudence, published on Slate.com.
My comment on the letter you're about to read: It's one thing if it's someone you know who's concerned about you. It's when it's people you don't know, or if you're working, say as a cashier, so you can't tell them to fuck off.

Dear Prudence,
How do you respond to someone (a total stranger) who, out of nowhere, tells you to smile—or remarks on the lack of a smile on your face? (........) When it's happened to me, I know I've felt offended. I don't want to be rude, but they're out of line, aren't they? I just would like to know how a person is supposed to respond to these people.
—Smiling When I Feel Like It
Dear Smile,These commentators are strangers? What's up with that? Prudie thinks a proper response would be nonverbal communication. Something along the lines of knitting your eyebrows together, narrowing your eyes, and making the slightest sneer, all while cocking your head to a 45 degree angle.
—Prudie, huffily

See? She's brief. Classy, yet blunt. And it's a good answer.

I think I'll continue the series with Savage Love, if I can find something that works for the space.

Another day, another Blogthing.

This handy little instrument had me pegged as both juicy and mysterious. True that. What's your acronym? Isn't it an acrostic?

And this blog, Dispensing Happiness, is a lot of fun -- click if you'd like to see an example of the recipe cards tinaofmn gave to me today. Now that I have two sets, I'm quite the homemaker. The Happy Sorceress has some good recipes. She is a vegetarian, but the recipes look pretty adjustable. Not that I cook, jeepers! To quote another blog, 'I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and think, "Well, that's not going to happen." '

Falling on my face is still a move forward. I wish I could believe that! A quote from Keisha. Most of the blogs I come across by 'flipping' through blogspot, if they have any content, seem to fall into a couple-few categories: hobbyists, like the Sorceress above, Ranters/ Newsies/ Ruminators (see the range from Mental Fiber to Instapundit), and the personal. The personal subcategories seem to be mainly: Look how great my life is/lifestyle porn/chronicles of cute, precocious, kids and fabulous vacations (they do seem like really nice people, I'm not hating), or "I'm a miserable wreck! Come feast on my misery and terrible poetry."

Also enjoyable:
Slanderous Minneapolis (I don't know, I haven't read it a lot lately, but they did have a good- probably made up - story about that slutty chick from the hot tub commercials doing coke in a bar bathroom, hence the word 'slanderous' in the title. Yes, I know it's more like libel.), also see the post from Aug 9th for help with your next weekend's plans;
Sadvertising- name explains it all (marketing/ad types are kinda weird, also he/she links to Lileks, cool in my book);
British chick who became a stripper only because the mean ol' government wouldn't give her a journalist visa. Sure. Yeah, she's an illegal British journo stripper, crusading for all her new green card & visa-lacking friends, except she got fired from the club when she was profiled in the New York Times. Yep, that profile is where I heard of her. She talks on the blog about writing a book, but I think it would make a good sitcom. Maybe an hour long tragicomedy, Showtime, she gets into a greencard marriage of convenience with some... guy. I don't know. Run with it, people.

Jerry's gone. I kinda got used to him. Maybe I'm ready for a long term commitment, like a houseplant or something, maybe even a real one.

Turtle Daytwo: The deadening

nah, he's still doing fine. He flaps his creepy little flapper hands when he wants food, makes faces, swims around a bit, basks in the 'sun' of my bedside lamp, which I moved into the kitchen for Jerry's warmth and convenience. I swear he was looking at his reflection in the shiny metal underside of the toaster earlier. I will miss him, but I can't wait to see his fun new house!

Turtlewatch: Day 1

He's still alive. Good. He's a nice turtle, plus, can you imagine driving from Pet Smart to Pet City or whatever, with a dead turtle in a baggie, saying "Can you match this?" to the clerks? It would be worse with a kitten, I think. Or Grandma.
Also, it's Doordolt's birthday. Happy birthday!
Went out to the bar last night, a few people came over to my place for a nightcap afterwards. And I almost had enough chairs to go around!

T.V. came to visit and left all too early. She said she had fun, liked all the people she met. Except maybe for the Pier Security-shirt guy.

I added a counter on the bottom of this page. I told whackly, who replied, "Tuh, you're just going to give everybody a bunch of spyware and popups. Gawd." I have noticed a couple of popups, and it does use cookies. Let me know if it's too annoying and I'll take it down, if I happen to value your opinion.

In other news, today sucks.

There is no scientific reason why today shouldn't suck.

Does anybody remember savetoby.com? Just kill the bunny already. At this point the thing is probably already dead of old age. They didn't even update the page all the way.

They supposedly got this injured bunny and were holding it ransom for paypal donations of $50,000 by sometime this summer. I was cleaning out the "sent" folder in Outlook and found the site again. Check it out, it was mildly funny before.

I didn't actually delete most of the sent folder. More wasted time! Delicious.

Words of the Day

I shall try to be more prospicient and malapert in the future. I think I've got the castigate thing down.

prospicient (pros-PISH-uhnt) adjective Having foresight.[From Latin prospiciens, from prospicere (to look forward), from pro-(forward) + spicere, from specere (to look). Ultimately from Indo-Europeanroot spek- (to observe) which is also the ancestor of such words as suspect,spectrum, bishop (literally, overseer), espionage, despise, telescope, andspectacles.] "The answer is that an expectant or prospicient idea moves and guides the ensuing action, being a part-cause of that action." John Laird; Teleology; 1939. wordsmith.org

malapert \mal-uh-PERT\ adjective
: impudently bold : saucy
m-w.com


castigate \KAS-tuh-gayt\, transitive verb: To punish severely; also, to chastise verbally; to rebuke; to criticize severely.
Doctor Dictionary

Confusticate it

1st topic:
How would you define the facial expression on each cat's cute widdle face?


2nd topic:
No, no, you're not thinking, you're just being logical.
- Niels Bohr, physicist (1885-1962)


NOTE: While I am under some stress, I will not be forcing cats to don headware any time soon.
3rd topic:
Hell of a week. Puddles the Wondercar is finally out of the mechanic's clutches. New apartment news: One of my neighbors apparently enjoys cooking pungent food, the odor of which pierces walls and permeates clothing. The second bridesmaid dress of the summer cost twice as much to alter as the first one did. The car fixin' was ... I don't like to think how much. Then there's the rest of this weekend. I haven't bought a wedding gift yet! Shit! Gravy boat! Exquisitely expensive salt and pepper shakers! Table linens! Singing plastic fish thing! Have to check the registry! Then pack! The hotel...cash bar at the reception (just gotta get somebody to buy me drinks)...

There are things you just do as a bridemaid. Orange, yellow, purple dress? Debate the relative merits of seemingly identical ribbons? Drive to 8 stores in 14 cities? Spaghetti straps, high waisted dress, damn-hell-ass shoes? Check check check. I also volunteered to help cut 150 squares of tulle with one girl, was deeply disappointed when I couldn't help the other glue personalized labels to mini candy bars with the other (stupid tenner shift). I like the shoes, both pairs, even if they are a tad uncomfortable. I should really wear heels more often.

The Aristocrats

I am excited to see this film. Here is the tagline from one ad: "No sex. No violence. Unspeakable obscenity." Begs the question, if it's unspeakable and it's all comedians telling their own versions of the same song, then are there props, flashcards, puppets?... anyway. I haven't seen any clips....oh, here's the website, the glossary. Hmm. Anal what? Maybe not. Then again, to hear Jerry Seinfeld tell the world's dirtiest joke would be worth the price of a movie ticket and a little nausea, all by itself.


This is more my speed.

• 
  Snappy Put Downs and Funny Insults by Joseph Rosenbloom. I got this book in elementary school. It was a very different edition and cover, though.
  
  Here are some of my personal favorites if anyone's looking for "that super squelch..that pithy putdown..that zesty zinger you heard on tv," to quote the back cover. Some of them are so old school. In my current addled, sleep deprived state, they sound like they could have been cribbed from a slow scene in "His Girl Friday" or a Tracy/Hepburn movie or a ripoff thereof. They range from inexplicable, to strangely mannered, to highlarious!
  
  You have what it takes. The only trouble is you've had it too long.
  Your mind needs changing. It's filthy.
  The last time I saw someone like you I had to pay admission. (dirty! My mind needs changing)
  You look wonderful. Who is your embalmer?
  You're a real bargain - 50% off.
  No wonder you have headaches. Your halo is on too tight.
  You're good-looking in a way. Away off!
  Have I met you somplace before? I sometimes get careless where I go.
  You're so conceited, you'd join the navy so the world could see you.
  The more I think of you, the less I think of you.
  Where have you been all my life - and when are you going back there?
  I hope you live to be as old as your jokes.
  I don't know what I'd do without you. It's fun thinking about it.
  Tell me about yourself. I like horror stories.
  You have a good voice, if you don't happen to like music.
  Dracula would turn you down. He wants plasma, not asthma. (This one always confused me.)
  Some people are hard-boiled. You're just half-baked. (ha. if only.)
  If after a reasonable time, your speech doesn't strike oil, you'd better stop boring. (I get it, it just doesn't quite work. It lacks the necessary euphony for total zingitude.)
  You were such a homely baby, your parents sent you back and kept the stork.
  Have you been to the zoo lately? I mean, as a visitor?
  
  
  Hopefully this will help you guys out if you get into the dozens with anybody anytime soon.

The Past 7 Days....

have been pretty eventful for me. Let's see, last Thursday (7/21) I went fishing with my Dad who came up from Mankato. He is a recovering Meth addict & has been doing very well. It was very hot that day, not a cloud in the sky. Me, being the smart one, applied sunscreen liberally & often. My father, on the other hand, did not. Needless to say, I'm the one that's peeling & he isn't. Stupid universe! Thursday night I got a call from my youngest sister. Mom's not happy again, wants to leave her boyfriend & wants to leech off of her again. I tell her to be strong, say no. Mom's a raging alcoholic with more DUI's than kids. So she takes my advice, good for her. Then my middle sister calls me. Mom called her & sis's boyfriend answered the phone. Mom was crying, blah, blah, blah & so he caved in. Now, how to get Mom from Menagha (near Detroit Lakes) to sis's house. Oooh! Dad is in Brainerd! We'll call him & he can go get her (BTW my parents divorced 14 yrs ago). And on the way he can tell her that she needs treatment (which everyone in our family knows) & maybe this time she'll go!! But after 15 phone calls & 7 voicemails to Dad, he's not answering his phone. So Grandpa goes to get her on Friday morning. I worked 4 hrs on Friday & went home & had a beer. Then went to a bonfire at E's house & had many pitchers of Margarita's along with more beers. Ahhh, how I love beer. Woke up Saturday not feeling the greatest, but not too shabby either. Hmmm, what next? Oh yeah, went to E's & played D&D (I know, pretty nerdy) but it was a lot of fun & oh yeah, had many more beers. Sunday, didn't do much. Went to KFC buffet (yum!) then went to Menards to buy ant killer, chlorine, algae killer, and messiah (rags in a box, those things clean everything up!) Cleaned our pond, that's about it. Monday sis is already calling me "Can you please take Mom?" & 2-3 times a day every day "It's your turn, Mom's coming to stay with you". I tell her that I've already put up with Mom's crap in the past. Plus, do you really think it's a good idea for her to stay with me when I live 3 blocks from the bar? I think not. Tuesday I found out that when Dad was in Brainerd he had no cell service, that's why we couldn't get a hold of him. However, when he found out what was going on with Mom he got so stressed out about talking to her that he broke out into hives & is now on steroids (not the performance-enhancing kind). Needless to say, he won't be talking to her about rehab. Damn. Now when I get home tonightI get to call Mom & try to put together a resume, although I have no faith that any of her past jobs would give a favorable reference. Ahhh, the joys of my life. Oh yeah, I get to worh the next 2 Saturdays too. Woo Hoo!

Tennis, no one?

Cary Tennis of Salon.com's "Since you asked" column has such a way with words.
He describes one person as

"... an exploding Pinto, an old bag of spoiled peaches. He's a frown
magnet, a disappointing afternoon. He's a bad gasket, a supermarket go-back, a
failed experiment, a wilted head of lettuce. He's yesterday's jacket and
tomorrow's bad shoes rolled into one... a divorce lawyer's meal ticket and that's
about it. ..."

That's just one example of a certain sumpin'; it's keen observation, wit, sense, sure he's piling on the descriptions, but never a word astray. Let's see if I can find another example. Ooh, here's one:

"Here are some things about other people that I think you should
know: People sometimes do things for no reason except they just want to... For
instance, a person will want an ice-cream cone, and next thing you know he's
walking down the street toward the place where they have the big cardboard
barrels of many different flavors and the people behind the counter in aprons.
If you ask him if he believes in ice cream, he might claim to have no particular
passion or belief in ice cream itself. Nonetheless, he wants an ice-cream cone
and so off he goes, jingling the change in his pocket. One day in the future,
when sufficient computing power exists, we may be able to say with some
certainty why a particular person arose from a desk at a particular time of day
to go get ice cream. But until then, we just say, "Oh, Hank? He went to get an
ice-cream cone." "

This isn't really the best stuff, just gleaned over 15 minutes or so. And so ends the first of a very irregular feature on Writers I Like.

Sororalness is powerful!

previously it was the weekend and now it is monday! I was going to slap on a value judgement, but nah, here's my summary instead. After the good news at work, on to the bar(s). Then the forty on the curb, brief chat with Jerry. Then refreshingly deathlike sleep, followed by greazy breakfast, complete with view of awesome storm outside.

On to party prep w/Ms. C. Nasty. Hey? When a little girl tells you the balloons smell like her dad's work, and her sister chimes in "Daddy works with roadkill!", believe the little girls. Don't test the balloons out for yourself. Just give up on the balloons and go with crepe paper. Nah, the balloons were fun, and my face went numb (and hands too, from tying the effers) after like, half an hour, so it didn't even matter.

That party was sooper fun. The members of E's fam that I met are fun. (I'm exagerating about the balloons for what I now realize is very minor comic effect.) Then I went to a bachelorette party for R., a friend from high school. We hit a few Mini Apple hot spots (pretentious bar name-drop alert): Newsroom, Lonetree, Spin, Drink, Barfly, the cough syrup aisle at the 24 hour Walgreens in Brooklyn Heights.

ha! kidding! We didn't make it to Drink. I mean the proper noun of course, not the verb, sillies.

Pics to come if I can get permission. Maybe I'll blur out the faces of the ones where people have underwear on their heads or are making time with statues of newsies (neither, unfortunately, are me, as I was the photog, or paparazza if one prefers).

R. is a sweet girl, none better; and her "Hey Lady" friends are so cool. What a bunch of classy dames. Words fail. But "brev. = s. wit," as the saying sort of goes. And I'm getting a little teary eyed again, believe it?

To briefly sum up Sunday, left R.'s and saw "War of the Worlds" in Elk River w/Ang & Cin. I need to not see that type of disaster movie in the theater anymore. I always leave feeling sort of beat up, whySpielbergwhy? Thank jeebus for the cheap corny happy ending!

Downside: not having broke my fast earlier, I ate movie theater popcorn. Felt a little dirty, because it's apparantly the worst thing for the human body on the planet. Other than being immolated by aliens, I mean.

no one ever posts nothing

wtf

Review of Harry Potter 6. Kind of.

For lack of anything better to do, I went and got the new Harry Potter at Barnes and Noble Friday night/Saturday morning. I left at about 1 a.m. and the lot was pretty empty when I got there. Actually I was the last person in the store other than the employees, clamoring for their own books. "There's one more! Hey, wait, one more!" They were still faux-cheerful, but less than thrilled to see me. It was a perfect plan, really. I felt a little less pathetic than if I had been standing in line for two hours or something. And I did get a little rubber bracelet and poster along with my Moste Precious Treasure.

Crapnasty and I went to the gym after work, then we ran into each other at the grocery story. She remonstrated against my ideas of drinking alone. I smirked. She bought camping food. I bought mixers.

So far we have a review of my pathetic weekend.

I got home from the bookstore at 1:30, read til 6 a.m. Woke up at noon, finished the book by 2:30 with a couple of quick breaks. It was bright and sunny out, but hot as hell, so I really didn't miss much in my nifty cocoon of air conditioning and solitude.

The book was pretty good. How's that for incisive commentary? Take that, real reviewers! Ha! At the same time, it consisted mostly of flashbacks and rehashings of old plot. Somebody else died. They were sad about the last person who died. The writing wasn't as good, I swear it wasn't, and I was truly surprised. Ol' Harold Bloom, how I hate you. You've ruined me for life. Parts read like crappy fan fic. It seemed like Rowling put some bits in just to contradict fan rumors (Lupin has a girlfriend!?)

If you're overloaded on Pottermania, at least we don't live in media-saturated NYC.
http://www.gawker.com/news/media/books/index.php#harry-potter-and-the-prisoner-of-soho-112794 Favorite line? "Do keep an eye out for us; we’ll be there this afternoon, doing a reading of Harry Potter and the Clusterfucking Topiary Vomitorium."

In other news "muttsy chops" is new cutest phrase ever.

Inaugural Post

photo © Scott Roberts for openphoto.net CC:Attribution

Jerry is a nice baby turtle. This is pretty close to what he sort of looks like.