So I was feeling crafty and changed the template for the ol' blog

It's been like, a while, so I figured why not? Also, I'll be working on a website at work, so I should try to gain some glancing acquaintance with HTML.

test, test, 1, 2.

I hope this shit works. I'm trying out mobile blogging, so I can post from my cell phone, whilst I am stuck in the insane asylum or nunnery some of you might think I've been in.

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Festive festivities

I went to my company's holiday party last week. It was ok; the best part was having a couple of free drinks and leaving early. I volunteered to sit at the entrance table, giving out nametags and drink tickets- never again, I think. Borrrring. Well;, perhaps I am exagerating. Fewer r's in boring, maybe just the one will do.

fall tv

Are the new shows everything you've dreamed of? Bionic Woman? Meh. Chuck. Slightly less meh.

My tv shuts off by itself sometimes. Like it's commenting on my choice of program.

Hi there!

So it's been about 2 months since my last post. In this interval very little has happened. This weekend it is my hometown's 125th anniversary or birthday or whatever towns have. I remember the centennial, when I was four. I remember my mom made me a little pioneer outfit, and her friend Eileen made me a little pioneer bonnet. Eileen was also an Avon lady and made me sit in a corner for not eating my vegetables, when I was going to her house for daycare after kindergarten. But that is all in the past.

I have been a bit reclusive and cut off lately, it's ok. I kinda like it. It's probably good for the ol noggin, right?

Oh nanners

I went to a pic-a-nic last night, you know. Sassafras and marjoram, but was it hot or what? Steamy. And I went into the forest that was near the picnic. And I was lost in the woods! But I wandered on for a while and I found myself again.

Some people at the picnic prepared a Southern delicacy called low country boil. I was nervous, but it wasn't like I expected. Sure, it was crabs, shrimp, sausage, potatoes, corn and onions boiled together in big, nasty vats. But they took the stuff out of the vats and stacked it neatly in serving trays and the corn and potatoes didn't taste all shrimpy and weird. Also there was an open bar, although they only served until 6:30. Actually, that was a good thing.

Cat story

This is a picture of my bro's cat; the cat's name is Boy. Also, the cat is a boy, or was one before, you know, the surgery and all that unpleasantness. The caption was provided by another brother. Boy was named by my nephew when he was like, 4 or 5. That cat is eight years old or so but he looks like he's a million, doesn't he? They used to have another cat called Socksie. I believe they were brothers. Also, guess what? Socksie had white feet! Then a few years ago Socksie died, under mysterious circumstances. I believe Boy killed him.

Quick like a bunny

That's how fast I read. If bunnies could read, that is, and who's to say they can't? It took me under 8 hours to read Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, and if you think that's a lame thing to brag about, I won't disagree with you! It is super duper lame, yet I persist in my childish pride. In fact if you trim out the inevitable breaks, it was probably more like 7 hours. Yeah. Lame.

How about I tell you the tale of my Quest for the Book? At six am or so I went to Wal-Mart and bought the book. Remember how I said I was going to go the bookstore thing last night? Really, I did, but I just stood and talked to my friends there for a few minutes and left. You may not know this about me, and I'm only really figuring it out myself recently, but I hate standing in lines. Lines bother me, not waiting. I was happy to go home and wait until morning for my copy and not stand around 3 hours waiting for it with a bunch of jerks. Very early this morning I woke up and went for the book. Even though I'm not a big fan of Wal-Mart, I knew it was a place that was open and had books. Sometimes that's what matters!

I was very pleased with this book. I've had a poor track record at guessing what will happen in the new books or figuring out clues once I'm reading the book. Seriously, someone had to point out things like Knockturn Alley and Diagon Alley - the simplest puns. (nocturnally and diagonally in case there's anyone else out there with the same brain block) Snape and Neville, among others, had the fates I thought they would. I got a piece of the plot figured out early on, although not entirely. Maybe Rowling put in a few easy clues for those of us who are a bit obtuse. :)

I think I was a little leery of writing a post like this, because I don't want people to make fun of me for being a Harry Potter fan. But I don't care, or more accurately, I don't want to care about that. Yeah, I'm sure some of the adults out there in costumes or whatnot were kind of creepy or weird, but there were also many who, well, weren't creepy or weird and just had fun. In fact my friend knitted a Gryffindor scarf for her boyfriend and he wore it to Barnes and Noble very proudly. Ok, they might be weird but I view that as a wonderful quality, and they weren't at all creepy. Haters gotta hate, but I encourage you to read some of the cool articles and reviews out there by bright and fascinating people, good stuff. I bet some of the kids whose parents brought them out for the "Midnight Magic" stuff will remember it for the rest of their lives.

This book, for all the sad parts, left me with a good feeling. It seems the author genuinely cares about the creatures of her imagination and the fans who've come along for the ride. It's hard to put into words, and it's not anything huge, just that it seems like the person who wrote this book must be quite nice. From what I've read in the past, she actually has a lot more material and backstories for the characters than she put into the books. I don't think she'll put out anymore about the Harry Potter-verse but it would be amazing if she did.

I do feel as though I've been babbling on for long enough. I have, haven't I? So I'll stop here.

If you would like a spoiler, the biggest spoiler, the one that's probably out everywhere now, but what the hell -- there's an acrostic in the second paragraph of this post. Don't look for it if you don't want to know.

Also, I'd love to hear what you thought of the books -- even if it's just "It was good" or "It sucked". Did anybody go out for the book at midnight? Do you have a favorite part or line (just be careful with spoilers).

Here are two of my favorite lines: "I was a fool!" and "NOT MY DAUGHTER, YOU BITCH!" Note: the two lines are not from the same conversation, if you were thinking What The Hell. There was also a great little callback to the first book, I believe it was, an exchange between Ron and Hermione...but oh look! I'm babbling again. See ya.

I'm excited about the last Harry Potter book

And I don't care who knows it. :) A couple people are actually going to a party at a bookstore so I'm going to go join them, I think. I'm terrified of hearing spoilers, so I'm staying off the interwebs until I'm done reading the book. I think. Hey, if anyone feels like discussing the book w/me, comment below or email me at gmail.

I'm watching Mad Max

I've never seen it before, it's very good. I enjoy the whole genre of the post-apocalyptic near future - can someone give me a better phrase for that?

I'm trying to think what else is important to say.

There isn't much to say, I guess. My oldest brother's girlfriend's mother died a couple of weeks ago. Today the girlfriend and my brother came over for lunch and she and my mom talking about funerals. My mom wants to be cremated. She also said my dad can get a free plot at the veteran's cemetary in Mandan (or maybe Minot?) which is way the hell far away. I was not thrilled to hear about this, but it's good to know their wishes. I think we will try to get the money together to have their eternal resting places in our time zone. I mean, in the unlikely event that my mommy and daddy die which I am going to make them promise to never, ever do. I would like a wooden casket and then I'd like to be buried out in the woods and left to rot. That sounds restful. I mean, once I'm dead. Not, like, today or anything.

Here's another video I like

I used to watch VH1 a lot to find new music, isn't it weird? Especially after Drive 105 died and went to hell, it's hard to find music that I'll like a lot and listen to endlessly then I will get so sick of it that I will never want to hear it again. The music I end up hearing is missing the "I like it a lot" part and a surfeit of the "sick of it and never want to hear it again" thing. So this video is catchy as hell and very cheerful, no? Here's another link. The theme that connects the last video I posted and this one are interesting lyrics and lots of pretty colors.

Ok here, just so's you know

My 'puter is being naughty (fried motherboard and such) so I am less online than previously. I will be checking email less frequently for a bit. I have this romantic idea that I can get along perfectly well without a high speed internet connection - so I'm switching to a dialup connection once I get the new computer home and hooked up.

I think it will be fine. I'm going to put up a few posts today so people who come here can look at stuff. Like this music video from Regina Spektor, which is cool and I like it. I am putting a different link in the previous sentence that is different from the embedded video below because I like to give ya a choice.

Making wishes

Have you ever heard that thing, that at 11:11 you can make a wish and it will come true? I'm not sure if it matters if it's AM or PM, or if this sort of magic nonsense works best when used with military time. Anyway, it's never worked for me.

Good news and possibly better news

So, I found that damn Harry Potter book. Thank god. See, I'm not the neatest person, and I keep books every-damn-where, so I had to look not only on bookshelves, but near the bookshelves, under the couch, bed, desk, and coffee table; plus in the kitchen and the trunk of my car. The book was amidst a stack of magazines in my bedroom. So, now the funny fun fun of reading this incredibly dark children's book is all mine.

The possibly better news: I've found a semi-reasonable and timely way of getting to a friend's wedding in Colorado. I've been investigating Greyhound, but it's not that attractive to spend 28 hours (each way) in a stinky bus, but it'd be much better to spend 12+ hours with the bride's family, carpooling from Fargo, right? I called my mom to run this plan by her. She didn't like it much, which is not surprising. My car isn't in tip top condition, even if we disregard the oil leak. Will it make it there? I say it'd be much safer to be with the Hav fam (even if they're a bit crazy, because what family isn't?) than on my own trying to sleep on the bus with a bunch of weirdos I've never even met before. My mom is very cautious, not big on expenditures of money or adventure of most types. When we talked, she admitted this cautiousness and I admitted that she is very often right, much more often than I used to be able to admit. But I'm not going to miss this wedding. So I'll decide my method in the next few days.

booksie books

Like my loafers? Former gophers - it was either that or skin my chauffeur.
--Monty Burns, The Simpsons

Good episode.

Did I happen to lend anyone the 5th Harry Potter book? I'm not sure where mine is and it would be wonderful if someone happened to have it. If not, does anyone localish have a copy I can borrow. I simply must reread it before the next film comes out.

Birds!

So, last year these birds built a nest near my apartment's balcony. You know how most balconies stick out from the side of the building? The ones in my complex do not, they are flush with the side of the building. So the birds were way cute, especially when the little birds were learning to fly. However, birds are sort of filthy and there was quite a lot more bird shit than I like to have around. Also, when I'd sit on the balcony the birds would get pissed off and swoop at me, chattering madly.

I've probably blogged about this before.

Anyway, this year I evicted the damn things. I had to knock it down whenever they started to build it up. They were pissed off and swooped around a lot, but they gave up after a single day. God, I feel bad. I'm the mean ol' human who made them move from the nesting spot they bonded with. I was listening to a show on MPR about how this type of birds (barn swallows or something, it was a while ago) about how nasty these birds are and how they'll kill other birds to steal their nests... so I've sentenced some other random birds to a gruesome death. Fuck.

I've got such skillz

Today I got out of bed at 8:02 and made it to work by 8:28. I showered, dressed in a professional-enough manner, and wore matching shoes. On my feet! And I was only three minutes late. So if I get up at 7:59 tomorrow, I should be right on time.

So. More apartment thoughts. If I renew my lease for a year, I can get some kind of good bonuses, like a free garage for 6 months and some other shit. Six month lease is lame bonuses, like a free phone book or some shit. I don't want to move to Ohio or Colorado even though I know people in these states. Fargo is out. St. Cloud or a different part of Waite Park are possibilities - certainly, certainly they are. Or a smallerish apartment in this complex. All tempting.

Also other books

I also recently read Freakonomics. I've been wanting to read it for ever so long, but I didn't want to buy it because we have it in the reference library at work, so for the past year, it seems like, I've been on a waiting list to check it out. So I finally read it and it was very good.

The time has come to renew my lease if I'm going to be renewing it. I don't know. It would be easier to stay here. I'm thinking about it. Like where would I go if I didn't stay?

Can I bend your ear a tick?

Blehhhhhhhhhh! Glurg! Ar. Meh.
For some reason I set up a Season Pass for Sex and the City on TiVo. I think it was because RMGS likes it and I thought I would like to gain some perspective now that the show is dead and gone and I can watch the somewhat expurgated versions on basic cable.

Also, this weekend I finished reading Jonathan Strange and Mr. Norrell. I recommend it. Sadly I stayed up all night to finish it. It's way good and I so recommend it. But it left me in a weird, floaty mood and when I saw an awesome rainbow I called RMGS and told her all about it. Yeah, that's kind of weird, right? But when you have an awesome rainbow to share, she is the person to call, I promise you. If she was judging my weirdness she betrayed no hint and even had fab thoughts to share on all things rainbow.

Wowsa

Hubba hubbba. Ok, in the time since I've not been reading blogs, it appears that some have gone out of existence. If I confirm this in the cold, sober light of day, I will update the links. If there's anyone who would like to be added or removed from the links list of this inestimably popular blog, do please send an email or post in the comments.

Does anyone else find that they use bigger words drunk than sober? I think I might be the most annoying person on the face of the planet. Inestimably? What is so inestimable about this? I have a page counter or whatever the fuck that is called. You know, I'm not quite drunk but still.

In case you haven't been keeping up with all the tv shows....

The Onion provides this handy guide:

Season Finale Wrap-Up

The 2006–2007 TV season is over. In the event you couldn't watch them, here are some highlights from the season finales of your favorite shows.

Studio 60 On The Sunset Strip: Saddled with poor, trite, unrealistic writing, Danny and Matt face the cancellation of their show.

The Office: The Dunder-Mifflin employees show glimmers of expectation as they head off to act in some of the worst movies of the summer.

House: Dr. House goes missing, prompting the rest of the hospital staff to scream his name for the entire show.

Ugly Betty: Surprise! America Ferrera is actually beautiful. As if a network would ever put a truly ugly—or even vaguely plain—person on television.

My Name Is Earl: The series comes to an abrupt end when Earl accidentally leaves his list in his jeans pocket and runs it through the wash.

Lost: Sawyer stuns the castaways by confessing that, many years ago, he killed a woman named Laura Palmer.

The King of Queens: The series ends on a down-note when the cast comes out for a final bow and no one claps.

creepy little girl, go away!

Most days I'm glad that I sit sort of off in my own area, but when weird shit happens I got no one to tell about it. This was one of those days.

Today at work work a kid called in a few times, with, like, really lame-yet-unsettling prank calls. It could have been funny to mess with her, but I was on a recorded line. I remember making funny phone calls as a kid. But there are two things you gotta remember: 1) decide what you're going to say before you call, and 2) know when to quit (this is way after you've annoyed the person you're calling, in this case me, but before I start threatening you, unless you have a high tolerance for risk. I didn't really threaten her. I just commented that her mommy might wonder what she's up to). Oh yeah, and don't call someplace where they can get your number really easily. Also, I know she was a little girl - or at least she sounded about eight years old - but you can't get offended if the target calls you on your bullshit. But perhaps some readers have their own prank laws - I would be surprised if you shiftless delinquents didn't have a few tricks up your sleeves.

I don't know if someone was coaching her but I hope not, because this much lameness shouldn't be a team effort. She asked if she could talk to Marleen, then Marvin. I asked her to spell the name of the person she was looking for, and she fell silent. I said "Hello, bored little girl, can you hear me?" Still nothing. I hung up. She called back, sputtering with indignation, "You hunged up on me!". I asked again who she wanted to talk to, or if her mom would come to the phone, which is a lousy reason to get pissed off if you ask me Ooh, she was mad. "Ma'am, you are talking to me like I am not a real person. I don't - you- you - Your boyfriend just broke up with you!" she said and hung up. She called in about five times total. Seriously, her voice sounded super young but she spoke with a mixture of childish confusion and weirdly adult intensity. It didn't come in on the main line so maybe they were dialing randomly or maybe they have a parent who works there. That would be awesome.

I love all the boozing holidays

That isn't really true. Memorial Day isn't really in memorial of sunburn and alcohol abuse, right? When I was a kid I used to go to Memorial Day services or programs with my parents, bring wreaths out to the cemetaries for grandpas and uncles. Do you guys do anything like that? I think my folks will, my bro who's a vet will probably do something too. I'll lounge about as I usually do.

So there

I had this post written up and my computer crashed and I said, fuck it. I'm not going to try to remember what I wrote, it wasn't that great. Something about Isaac Newton and fun.

But so, anyway. How's it going? I've not been keeping up with blogs and whatnot.

I like my job but I have a lot of "fuck it" moments there too. And that is not the attitude of a go-getter!

Shit, Blogger now automatically saves drafts. I'll be darned. I'm a-gonna post that bitch up.

Bleah!

I've been kind of off in my own little world more than usual lately. So I apologize if I've been distant or neglectful of anyone, especially of anyone's blogs! I don't know what I've been doing with my time but I haven't been doing whatever it is online. I haven't even been keeping up with Mr. TiVo. I have eight episodes of The Riches, which is quite a good show. Right now, I'm watching this show called "Great Scientists" which is pretty interesting. This episode is about Isaac Newton. It's Science Lite, which is perfect for me.

The show has kind of a creepy visual vibe, though. And weirdness. Like when they have a dramatization of Newton working in his study, they make it look like an old, scratchy film, but sepia toned; and when Newton talks it sounds like an old, scratchy recording. This seems like a bad idea to me, especially for children. Kids are dumb, and they will think this is actually a film reel. Maybe.

So this weekend there's lots of big plans afoot, that will be fun. I think I need more fun. I'm prescribing myself a big dose of vitamin fun. This is not necessarily to be taken with vitamin beer.

Good morning

I went to bed early so of course I woke up feeling all chipper at 1:30. So now I'm watching the Daily Show. That should knock me out, right?

happy day

At work today I saw Heather in the hallway and she said, "Remember where we were a year ago today? I think about this time we were all drinking our lunch at the bar."

So I guess it's been a year since my job ended, that's cool. It's been quite a year, but not really.

In other news, what happened to Drive 105? This is pissing me off. It's like easy listening or some shit.

You mean Oprah lied to me?

Here's a review of The Secret. This is a good blog. I'm still all about the positive thinking, but you don't gotta be a fool about it.

Windy out, isn't it?

It seems like if it's going to bother being this windy out, it should rain or something. My chin hurts, but that's a story for never, ever. It's nap time. Hope everybody's having a splendid weekend!

Stephen Colbert made a joke about lutefisk last night.

This amazes me. I was tickled pink, in fact. I have never eaten lutefisk, but maybe I would try it. I don't know. Lutefisk, for the non-Norske among us, is fish that has been cured in lye. Then it sits in a barrel for a while, then they rinse it very well, then it is cooked and served with butter.

There are two stories I have heard about the origin of this delicacy. The first one is boring. It was a good way to keep the fish edible on board ships during long sea voyages in the old days. The second story, I may have invented but it's more fun: The Vikings were raiding some village, and the villagers decided to poison their fish with lye. It didn't kill the tough, crazy Vikings, and they liked the flavor and made it their national delicacy. Please tell me if you've heard this anywhere else, it would please me if I didn't invent it.

hr nightmares, anyone?

Ok, I have two HR nightmares to share, one lame and one serious. I will get the lame one out of the way first.

I had to write this very typical administrative-drone email to someone today. Basically I had to tell him he couldn't do something he wanted to do because it's says in the policy not to do that, so there. It felt icky yet it truly had to be done. I know he's going to be pissed at me and might very well take it out on me or badmouth me to other staffers, even though he knows the policy bullshit is not something I can help him with. And I know that I have to take responsibility for handing out bad news from time to time. And I know that I'd much rather have this guy mad at me than deal with my boss being mad at me.

Let me tell ya, this was a great email. It went something like, "In regards to your request, unfortunately, at this time, under conditions on Earth as we know them, and per the policies and procedures handed down to us by the Wrathful Hand of Thor, we cannot do the thing you wanted to do. Please contact company President So&So to obtain special clearance in writing to override this policy and/or procedure, if you so wish. Good day to you, sir."


Here's the other thing that happened: Some guy called a couple of times looking for an employee, and the person he was looking for wasn't there, so I just said, they're not picking up, can I give them a message (I'm using singular "they" because I don't want to give out too much info, like I didn't want to give the guy too much either, more policy stuff!)

So he says ok, but then he calls back about half an hour later and asks for them again, and I'm thinking, hello stalker! but then he says, "None of his/her friends have heard from him/her in four days, we're really worried," so I take his number and call the person's manager & the HR director and well, a bunch of other people. It turns out the person left work early with some sort of personal or family emergency late last week and we haven't heard from them since. I don't know this person except to say hi in the hallway, but being the person I am & based on this guy's voice, I started worrying bunches. Wouldn't you?

And at the end of the day, this person's department director told me they still haven't gotten in touch with them. I'm sure it was nothing though, right? I hope this person is back tomorrow. I hope they call their friends and family and tell them they're all right. It's probably nothing. I hope I feel foolish tomorrow when it turns out I was worried over nothing. You guys can laugh at me, it's ok, just wait til tomorrow.

6 hours later

So after I got home this afternoon, I spent the rest of the day, up to about an hour ago, reading and reading. I haven't had such a reading binge in quite a while - as I was telling someone, since the last Harry Potter book came out (yes, I know how cool that makes me) - and I forgot how zoned out and slightly nauseous it can make a person feel.

Happy Administrative Professionals Day, ya'll

I discovered that today was Secretary's -- ahem, Administrative Professional's Day when a vendor brought in daisies. The fine folks at Manpower really know how to suck up! Nah, I'm kidding. It was nice. We're going to rotate the flowers to everybody's desk so we can all bask in the beauty. Plus it's a plant, not just cut flowers, so we should be able to keep it alive for a while.

I've been reading HR Nightmares on NBC's The Office website. Good stuff, fun times. I'm trying to think of something to post there, anybody got any ideas?

All it takes is positive thinking and a good mental outlook

Yeah, that is the shit! Oh, yes, I know, positive thinking and self-help books are a bunch of trite crap for the weak minded to buy into or something, but that is so the demagraphic to which I belong. Yes! If you think happy thoughts you will totally get rich, so join me, because I'm only half kidding with this.

goddamn

Do you ever feel like a purple unicorn next to a thought bubble that reads "Why?"?? Me too!

I can't believe I couldn't find a picture online of that unicorn painting from The Simpsons. If anybody sees it anywhere, let me know. This painting loses to Marge's painting at the big art show or something.

Why do I feel like the questioning unicorn? I don't know, I guess it's not so much the unicorn as the questioning part. Unicorns are awesome.

A bargain

Yesterday I went dress shopping with the gals, the college-era friends, doncha know. Then we went to see the new baby of T&J VB. Cute kid! His name is Nathan Michael and he has a shock of beautiful golden hair. It was great to hold him and we all marvelled and cooed over his precious little fingers and toes.......... then last night I had a dream about buying birth control pills in bulk! I remember they came to $6.48 a bottle, so I bought four or five bottles (yeah, in the dream they came in bottles with old-fashioned typed labels rather than the little discs/cases such pills actually come in). It was like, at these prices, I can't afford not to not ovulate! Definitely, I did not have "I wanna baby" fever, which I kinda thought I might when I was actually holding him. Has anyone else ever had a reaction like this? Maybe it was hearing the details of the labor. Uffda.

Seen any good movies lately?

How about that weather?

How's the job going?

The family doing ok?

Is this it?

Spring? Is it here yet? Better be.

A list of stuff I'm sick of hearing about

And I think everyone will agree.

-global warming: I get it. We're all doomed.
-the presidential election: If they could hold off on this shit for a year, that would be great. I'm scared that I'll be so burned out on all this garbage that on Election Day I'll get drunk and vote for Mitt Romney, because Mitt is an adorable name.
-Paris Hilton/Britney Spears/Nichole Richie/ all those other girls: Let me know if Paris Hilton goes to rehab instead of all her friends. Or if she goes to jail and gets shivved.
-How much money a movie made: I don't care.
-Please add your own suggestions: if you want to.

Great times

So, I emailed a co-worker a suggestion on how to improve a form, if it wouldn't be too much work. She replied "That's totally doable!"

Omigod, she made my day. I sprinted over to her desk and shrieked "So's your mom! HAHAHAHA!"

There are so few opportunities for great comedy at work these days. Mostly I just listen to NPR and compare the weather forcasts of the UPS, DHL and FedEx delivery people. So far DHL is most reliable. UPS is usually cautiously optimistic, and I think FedEx is a witch.

Emerging from the cocoon

Nah, that's not the metaphor I'm looking for. I definitely haven't turned into a butterfly. Anyway, I'm planning on blogging more in the future so I hope to see ya'll around. Yes, my plan to is get back into blogging more regularly. Except here's the problem: I'm still feeling a little blah and dumb. There's nothing really interesting to me. So I will look for something interesting and when I find it I shall post it here. But in the meantime, look for a lot of dream interpretation and two-sentence recaps of my day. Sorry.

here's an inscrutable dream i had

I was going to leave this place but I would be back the next day so I wanted to save my spot or something. So there was this bank of locker/safe type things but they worked like parking meters and I didn't have enough change to keep it locked for a whole day, but I just kept putting in dime after dime. What a dumbass dream.

I was hoping it would be one of those dreams where if you discuss it, the meaning becomes clear, but not this time. Anyway. If anyone can think of what that means, lemme know.

super lame

It's been a long time since I've blogged tipsy, and I think the public has been clamoring for it. Well, clamor bitches, clamor on. It's great. It's a damn good time. How was everybody's St Patrick's Day?

good news

I got a new tv! Actually it used to be whackly's tv. And for a very small sum he helped me carry it up to my 3rd floor apartment (by "helped" I mean "did 95% of the lifting") and he attached all the cables. If anyone has seen my former tv, they know that my old tv had a terrible, blurry picture. So, good times, I can read the program descriptions on the tivo guide! And there are captions. I do so adore captions. Also, I feel good that I gave the Whackly family some money that maybe will buy them a couple of tanks of gas on their trip to their new home in Ohio. That's right, they're moving. So, see you on the internets, chumps!

Hello there!

I have been working some overtime, about 14 extra hours a week. So I've been rather tired, some might say homicidally sleepy, but I don't drive that far to work, so it's not really a problem. Did that make any sense? Was it funny? I can't even tell. I am going to take a nap now. I mightn't be a-blogging much in March, or reading other blogs very often. Or maybe I will be around, but I won't be good for much on Wednesdays, Thursdays, and days that are near those days. There are two upsides: I will temporarily make more money and not have time to spend it. I remember when I used to work 60 hours a week - you know, the ol' "I have two jobs in retail and it's December" thing - and this is reminding me about how much that sucked.

I think the snow is very pretty

Especially it's pretty because no one I know has gone into the ditch or been stranded or had any other weather-related unpleasantness, and because my overtime for tonight was cancelled. Yay! Everyone, go play in the snow right now.

Can you hear this?

The ringtone of choice of young whippersnappers. Apparently lots of people over 30 can't read it, but many can. I can't hear it, and I wonder if I ever would have heard it because I think my hearing is kind of bad. I think I killed some of the higher frequencies during a particularly hectic middle school band practice or something lame like that.

Also, here's an entirely unrelated thought: I recently realized that I have frequently resented the fact that time runs in only one direction. How dumb is that? How can you not bring yourself to get over the bare facts of existence?

Collapse in on yourself like a dying star!

Here's a blog called That's What She Said. It's a blog about how much the litigation could end up costing Dunder Mifflin if it existed and employed Michael Scott.

I'm about a third of the way through tonight's episode of The Office and so far it is excellent. I would go on, but today I seem to have a problem speaking. Everything I say or write sounds like it has been translated from English to Russian to French and then back to English.

Oh a tiny little house

I'd like a small house. A shotgun shanty. A little cottage. A Katrina Cottage purchased at Lowe's, maybe. Fuck, why not a nice dry cave? Little geodisic dome on the prairie. Sounds cozy, don't it? I've seen these before, but this here article in the NYT got me thinking. I would genuinely like a little house like this. It reminds me of tiny cabins people rent by the lake. They really have all the space you need. One possible problem is that I do not want to live out in a forest or anything like that.That seems to be what most of the people in the NYT story did. I like the city, or town, or something where you are near people, shops, fire stations and gas stations. And I imagine this sort of house wouldn't be welcome in many neighborhoods. In fact, the neighbors would be downright hostile. They'd either think you were some hippie loser or they'd just be mad that you could be dragging down their property values.

What I'd do, though, is I would have a big two car garage alongside my tiny cottage. It could be heated for parties and whatnot. I don't know if that would make the hypothetical neighbors any happier, but it really should.

In the house I would need space for a smallish tv, bookshelves, a desk, kitchen, bathroom and a bedroom. A screened in porch, a cellar would be nice -- maybe a basement under the garage. The guest house will be a tree house and will overlook the pool. In fact, you, as my house guest, will be invited to jump from the tree house balcony into the swimming pool (after you sign a liability waiver and promise - pinkie swear! - to make sure there is water in the pool before jumping).

Another fine purveyor of teensy houses, is Alchemy Architects, which produces the WeeHouse, and is located in St. Paul.

Oh, A.Word.A.Day daily quote! You naughty thing!

..................................................
The world is a skirt I want to lift up. 
-Hanif Kureishi,  author (1954- )

Covetousness

Has anyone else been listening to the MPR pledge drive? I am coveting the 40th anniversary red stoneware mug. Unfortunately, I don't have the cash or enough generosity to actually make a donation and get one. So I'll be cruising the thrift shops in a few years, hoping to pick one up for seventy five cents.

I'm enjoying the thrill of guilt, as they hint occasionally that by not donating, you're pretty much stealing. It's amazing. Isn't listening to public radio supposed to make you feel smug and virtuous? It's not working right!

They've been playing some of their 'greatest hits' interviews on Mid-Morning, which is awesome cuz I listen at work, and I miss stuff sometimes. My favorites replays have been Nora Ephron bitching about how old and rich she is, and the pediatric neuroscientist who talked about kids' learning styles and "leaking linear chunks" and whatnot.

Good to know!

Some of you might remember that we used to lament about not being able to get satellite? You know, my apartment faces east so I still don't think it's an option for me, but maybe somebody else can use this. From this post.

...the FCC has ruled that Homeowners Associations can't restrict you from having a dish, neither can landlords in the case of renters. Of course, HOAs and landlords will both try and bully people into thinking that they (the HOAs and landlords) have total control, but they don't.

All the rules are here.

And I've excerpted part of the page:
Q: What types of restrictions are prohibited?

A: The rule prohibits restrictions that impair a person's ability to install, maintain, or use an antenna covered by the rule. The rule applies to state or local laws or regulations, including zoning, land-use or building regulations, private covenants, homeowners' association rules, condominium or cooperative association restrictions, lease restrictions, or similar restrictions on property within the exclusive use or control of the antenna user where the user has an ownership or leasehold interest in the property. A restriction impairs if it: (1) unreasonably delays or prevents use of; (2) unreasonably increases the cost of; or (3) precludes a person from receiving or transmitting an acceptable quality signal from an antenna covered under the rule. The rule does not prohibit legitimate safety restrictions or restrictions designed to preserve designated or eligible historic or prehistoric properties, provided the restriction is no more burdensome than necessary to accomplish the safety or preservation purpose.

Title

Have you ever gone to a baby shower and you were like, the only one there who was hung over and swearing a lot and making off-color comments? It's a good time. It's how you know you're the fun one. The super fun one.

The party organizer had a cool idea; she used one of those "get to know your friends" e-mails to make up a "who knows the future mom best" quiz for the party. That's innovation, ya'll.

edit: That second paragraph might sound sarcastic. It's not; I thought it was a good idea. Oh great. Now everything I say sounds like bullshit.

It's Tuesday already!

Boy, you know, I seem to be getting dumber. I used to have some command of the English language, including such things as grammar, spelling, and syntax. Actually, I'm not sure what syntax means, or it I ever really knew. I'll look it up later, unless I forget. Let's face it, consider it forgotten. The fact remains, I don't know as much stuff as I possibly used to.

I was really pissed off that it was snowing this morning, because I didn't know it was supposed to snow. I asked someone if it was in the forecast and yes, yes, it was. I guess I got all excited that the high temp was going to be above zero and stopped reading. I saw this van do an awesome loopy-loop on the road. The driver turned left onto the road I was on, but kind of kept going into a 360. Then he stopped. He ended up right at the stop sign, had to turn right and drive around the block to get back to where he was supposed to be. I've been there, dude! Keep on trucking!

It's Thursday already!

Do you ever have one of those weeks that crawls by and then it's suddenly almost done? It doesn't make sense, but there it it. Thursday is pretty much gone.

found on the back of a piece of scrap paper

If possible, arrange to get work done.

as though you're accomplishing more if
but you will be more productive and
give your undivided attention to one task

tra work during busy times. Only attend
datory.
roductive. Be on time. Come to the
hand.
efore. This will head off problems due to
nflicts.
rmine which tasks are most important and
self enough time to get the work done, but
ense of urgency about it. Be prepared to
change.

I have sneezed so many times today.

And as I thought about righting this post about sneezing, I thought "Why would anyone want to read this?" With me, questions like that lead inevitably to wondering why anyone reads most things. I mean, if you suspect that religion and philosophy are tricks we play on ourselves, and you don't need something informational, like a recipe for goulash or a how-to on proper engine maintenance, what reason is there to read? Sometimes I read almost compulsively (calling it a compulsion is probably not precisely correct; if anyone out there can think of something, let me know). So having a billion and twelve blogs out there to choose from, whether they are good, worthwhile, or relevant to myself or not, is wonderful and saves me from reading, once again, the text from the box of cold medicine that is sitting on my desk.
"Stop use and ask a doctor if
-redness or swelling is present
-you get nervous, dizzy or sleepless
-new symptoms occur
-fever gets worse or lasts more than 3 days
-pain, nasal congestion or cough gets worse of lasts more than 7 days
-cough comes back or occurs with rash or headache that lasts. These could be the signs of a serious condition."

I'm waiting to sneeze again. I'm going to settle in with my new book.

Happy St. Polycarp day!

Or something! I have the same birthday as a bunch of weirdos. Also, it's Australia Day and on this day in 1340, King Edward III of England is declared King of France. But did King Edward III of England get fried ice cream!? I think he probably didn't! He probably had aged venison and trenchers and gross middle ages food. Also, he probably had lice and I have never had lice, unless it was when I was very young, too young to remember, which is doubtful because that is the kind of thing my mom would have told me, at least I think so. I better call her.

If you fall I won't catch you! I won't be waiting! (line from a tv show)

I went to dinner with people tonight, and this woman was describing the gorilla who visited her work for her co-worker's birthday. I was all, "I know him! I know that gorilla!" Actually it was the girl gorilla but I know her too.

In case you are confused by this, shut up. The gorillas have a singing telegram company!

I drank coffee again. I can't believe that shit is legal. My mind is racing, my jaw is clenched, I can't stop humming. I feel like the kitty in the post below looks.

The only thing bad about this coffee-with-dinner thing is I will have trouble falling asleep and I have had interesting dreams lately; dreams that I would like to revisit. Here are the last four dreams I have had, in summary, starting with the most recent:

4. One out of every four people were automatically fired at work. They were picked randomly after their first 90 days. People kept coming back and trying again, and getting fired again; they were just unlucky.
3. Everything stopped working. Like electricity and phones and the whole entire interweb. But, like, my dream had poor continuity, because at one point, for no reason, the tv worked again and I was watching scenes from my hometown. I saw this girl from my high school walking with masses of people. I was like, hmm, she must have moved back from Nebraska or wherever. Then everything shut off again and everyone stayed home and waited. I don't know, the whole thing was a sort of low key, slow moving apocalypse.
2. I met this woman who ran a whorehouse, she also made very specific costumes for her 'ladies'. They were large doily-looking dresses. She was very rich.
1. I was staying in this big room with four doors that opened to different places. I was traveling with people from my current job, but I had become separated from them and wouldn't be able to find them unless I could guess their code names.

You see why I like to sleep?

best thing ever

"Oh fer Christ's sake!" I think we all know where this came from. CuteOverload! Yesssssssssssss. The kitty is an agitated lil hipster, or something.

Medicine

I have a slight case of the sniffles, which is annoying to myself and others, so I sought to remedy it at my friendly local pharmacy. I thought the crank-ingredient stuff, you know, pseudoephedrine would be the best thing but I asked the pharmacist and he said no! Silly goose, you need an antihistamine. So I got some generic version of Claritin and I took it and I feel better already.

I think that I think of pseudoephedrine as a magical elixir a) because of when I was a college freshman and I got sick, and that stuff and hot tea were the only things that made me feel better; and b) because it's behind the counter now, so it must be better right? It's special. But not so much! It's just better as a decongestant than that phenylepiframinandimdianmamainane they use in the regular stuff now.

What's it gonna take, silver shadow believa?

This is the song I've had in my head all day.

LH Rand and Whackly both expressed the idea that the call in the post below could make a great writing prompt: what's happening on the other side of the line? I do think about that at work quite a bit. Like, sometimes when somebody sounds really fucked up on the phone, I should just tell them I'll transfer them to the appropriate department and then, you know, transfer them; but sometimes I talk to them a little bit more just to see what they are like, if I'm right about them.

But anyway. Have a lovely weekend.

On the phone

Yesterday at work I answered the phone, as I do a hundred times a day, and said my customary greeting. In return I heard a tiny voice saying, "My mom... [indecipherable] bug in her hair [not speaking into the phone's reciever] and isn't here... gotta get that bug out of her hair."

I thought instead of slamming down the phone I would try to help, so I said in my sweetest, fakest voice, "What's your mom's name?"

Wrong question. "Um [babbling]. Jessica? {yelling} Mom? What's your name?"

Mom gets on the phone. "Hello?"

"Hi," I said. "You guys called us?"

Mom says, "Uh, I don't know. Sorry, bye." as the little girl in the background says, "Mom, I don't know your name..."

That was the end of the call. And they were never heard from again. I don't know if the mom's name actually was Jessica, or the moppet just really liked that name. These are the harrowing mysteries I must confront each day.

Sparkles

I bought more jewelry. Went to another jewelry party. Did I mention on the blog before that I went to a few jewelry parties? Rationalizing: hey, I got some awesome deals. Reality: I am now all jewelried up for a while; I tend to be a little compulsive every now and then. But unless I become a dealer, I probably won't get any farther into the game. I mean, at least not for a couple of months. With tonight's order I have everything I covet from the catalog.

The new catalog comes out in two weeks. Whatever. It's such a chick thing to do. We go to these parties, we throw these parties, we enjoy them. Really! Maybe some people don't like them, I mean, I understand the issues. Guys never have hostess parties, otherwise they'd be called host parties. If they had a Nascar theme, maybe...

golden globes

Sasha Baron Cohen: surprisingly hot when dressed like/talking like a real person. Wow.

From today's paper. Stuff that made me laugh

Headline: "Ice coats nation's midsection." Not sure why it's so funny.

From a story about a local dance show: "The afternoon show combined the maic energy of a Robin Williams concert with the perkiness of Kelly Ripa as the girls smiled and shook to the beat of blaring music." Ok, writer, we get it. You hated it. You probably even hated the little 3 year old ballerinas, you black-hearted bastard.

There is nothing else funny in the paper today; they stopped carrying Cathy long ago. Har dee har har.

Wheeeeeeeeeeeeee

I had two cups of coffee at lunch today and I was totally fuckin wired for the rest of the day. That's quite sad. I'm still feeling it. I do get a bit of caffeine from a nasty Diet Coke habit I been trying to shake, but I don't usually drink coffee. It just sounded so nice and warm and ever so cozy. So, I get back to work after lunch and chitchat w/CN, and in my jittered up state, at a meeting I suggest to my boss that we label the link to the time/attendance/scheduling section of our internal website "T & A". Like, click on the T & A button to be really disappointed, or to fix your timecard. She either didn't get it or she pretended not to and she's maybe planning to kill me. Maybe definitely planning to kill me.

Also at work they are planning on celebrating a different culture each month... so far the plan sounds like stereotypes and food, which is awesome.

Without going into too much detail: Like, is this going to be the most offensive thing ever? I hope so. I really do, except that I don't. Maybe I'm just jumping to conclusions and it will turn out really beautiful and educational and shit. If not, tune in here for the post mortem!

May cause itching, insomnia and incontinence

I would say laughter is the best medicine. But it's more than that. It's an entire regime of antibiotics and steroids. Laughter brings the swelling down on our national psyche, and then applies an antibiotic cream. You gotta keep it away from your eyes... Obviously, it's a challenge to make light of the darkness but, um, it's better than crying about it. --Stephen Colbert

Interview with Stephen Colbert in Entertainment Weekly

I know it's not really the end of the world or anything...

but a girl gets anxious, you know? Let's all hide.

Here, here, here, here, and everything here.

Wow

Rob the Bouncer espouses one of my personal rules for life.

Here is Rule Number One: Don’t inflict yourself on other people.

Maybe he has a different take on it than I do. Maybe I'll explain it in more detail later, but probably not.

*edit: Yeah, I guess I should explain slightly. This became my philosophy a few years ago from working in retail and knowing, you know, human beings, sometimes. You could describe my policy as isolationism if you wanted to.

Dayton for Gov?

Oh please let it be so!

From Wonkette

I don't know why I lurve him so.

Hi ya

I'm hanging around my apartment, wearing my bathrobe and drinking a beer. What are you up to this weekend?

Boom

My neighbors like bass. This evening, every half hour or so, I've been treated to the thudding reverberations of their shitty music. Why the interval?

Do you ever have that feeling that something is in your eye, like an eyelash? But there isn't anything there. I've had that feeling all day. I've tried to avoid rubbing my eye, I've avoided it for hours at a time.

My new year's resolutions are possibly these: buy more shoes, trust my instincts, read more, wear more jewelry, eat more apples, relax, swear more, avoid old people, watch exactly the same amount of television (I mean it, I've struck the perfect balance), most ambitious: get rid of half of my possessions, keep better track of celebrity gossip, blog regularly, hide from meanies, sneer more.