Things that you own

I have realized that I need to get rid of all my possessions, throw them out. I will bring the good stuff to Goodwill or maybe I will give it to you.

There isn't much good stuff, there is mostly stuff to sift through and toss.

Take a random example of a box of junk in my currently-rather-inhospitable guest room: it might have receipts from Target, junk mail from 2002, gum wrappers, dead pens, a Barbie Happy Meal toy, a broken widget from an espresso maker, expired coupons, a dead spider, a lone red sock.

I can only throw out one third of this example box at a time! There is a period of mourning, adjustment. The whole five stage thing. Denial, bargaining, whatever the other ones are. Sometimes I wake up wondering if that yogurt coupon could have changed my life.

I imagine that when all the boxes are emptied (when I am 75), I will feel clean and holy. I will be ready for the Next Thing. That is also what I fear! Not just the next thing, but also the empty stark surfaces; all my favorite things to trip over are gone gone gone.

Also, tidy people don't like messy people who are packrats. They distrust us and laugh at us, all at once.

Something

It's going to rain. I think it sort of rained last night, but not very much. Sometimes, a person's sleep schedule gets interrupted or changed and while she is adjusting, she spends her days in a sort of a haze. Memories take on the elusive qualities of dreams; so she wonders if things really happened or perhaps getting all that junk mail was a symbol of the ultimate emptiness of human endeavor. What a stupid dream that would be; she hopes to find a stack of catalogs and credit card offers on the ottoman when she returns home. While she is working she is saying things she has said thousands of times before so it seems only natural to close her eyes.

Do you know any ghost stories?

Or any scary stories. Especially real ones, especially ones that happened to you. I am in the mood to get scared. It was nice and foggy and gloomy when I came in to work today.

I have never had any supernatural or unexplainable experiences, but I have heard things from other people. Huddled on a bus on a school trip in high school, or at a small table in the corner of a quiet bar, people have a lot of stories to share. I have heard about haunted houses; seeing a recently dead loved one, sometimes immediately before learning they are dead, sometimes in a dream or just sitting in the chair next to them. I don't know if I believe in this, in fact I am 99.9% sure I don't, but the people who told me these things did believe. There is something in the world or the makeup of the human brain that makes these things real to some of us.

I think I've read similar stuff in other blogs, so if I stole your post, I apologize.

At the movies

I like to go to movies. Except for the movies themselves and the other people in the theater, and most of the concessions, it is a fun time. When I went to the Care Bears Movie in first or second grade, or was it a Rainbow Brite movie? I don't remember if there even was a Rainbow Brite movie, but I was at some kids movie, with a couple of other kids and at least one parent. Yeah, I think it was Christy's mom, because there was a general air of lawlessness. Anyway the important thing is we were the only people in the theater.

It was awesome. Total freedom. We didn't do much with the freedom but wander around a little and bask in the freedom. I remember thinking in my 8 year old head -- and I hope this is not an accurate memory but something I added as a cynical teen -- that the movie must not be doing very well if the theater was this empty on a Saturday afternoon. Hey, it was the Strawberry Shortcake movie! No, just googled it, that's not it. So, we have our little treats and pops (why did I start calling it soda after high school? What am I trying to prove?) and we are sitting alone in the middle of the theater. It rocked. I keep hoping that will happen to me again.

I like big buckets of diet cola and gummy fruity candy. I even like bad movies, they are usually good enough, and what am I? Some cinephile, some snob who wants subtitles and complex plots? Very mostly not.

So I went to the movies last night and there were way too many people there. It was the 9:30 show so it couldn't have been that bad, but I was sitting amidst about 6 people and sometimes they tried to talk to me. I even forgot myself and spoke to them occasionally. Actually I am terribly chatty in the movies -- I hate people who can't shut up in the movies but sometimes I need to whisper to my neighbor to see if they also saw the thing that just happened in the movie and if they found it as marvelous as I did -- but one doesn't like to get too friendly with strangers.

V for Vendetta, very good, visually striking. Almost makes me want to read the graphic novel but not quite. Definitely makes me want to join some sort of uprising. If anyone knows of a good revolution tell me.

Name that blog!

Suggestion contest redux

So, mother truckers, I am serious here. Just so's you know. We gotta name that shit. Although A is under no obligation to use the name for his blog; someone else could start one and pretend to be him, that has a potential for comedy anyway. I really don't have anything better to do today. So, so, so, I will wait for ten more blog name suggestions, of any caliber before posting again and judging the contest or setting up a vote or whatever I feel like doing that day.

Thus far 3 titles have come in:

1. givekylethetvinexchangeforhimmowingmylawnwhileimint{exas} by the bellicose but still talented and lilac-scented Whackly.
2. "My Penis, My Divining Rod" by the bitter, yet whimsical and ravishing Doordolt.
3. "A half empty bottle of white out" from the oafish but somehow dainty and elfin Aoasus.

Ten more and we will have a lucky baker's dozen.

Some info to help you: A. just moved to Texas. He is an A/V nerd with a motorcycle. He had to give up his cat Elliot (a storied figure in this very blog; he of the swollen lip and pugnacious disposition) when he moved. He can probably take the heat if you mock him a lot, just don't get super vicious because that is tacky and here at Jerry the Turtle we try to live by Voix's rule against tackiness.

The only rule is [there ARE NO RULES except] no more than two suggestions per person will considered for the competition; because I have to be prissy about something or it isn't any fun for me. Anonymous suggestions are welcome but they better be good.

Suggestion contest

What should aoasus name his blog? Not that he will use the suggestion, but it could be fun. We could like vote and stuff. Ooh, I could use that annoying bravenet poll thing to narrow down to the winner.

Suggestions?

edited to add: If you don't know A, don't worry. Your suggestions are very welcome, particularly if they are insulting, but I know it can be difficult to insult strangers effectively so any random thing would be swell. What's a good blog name that you don't really want yourself but would like to see on a blog? Puns are acceptable.

Hey guys

I don't feel so good. I've been drinking watered down gatorade and it's delicious.

If you would like to know

I had a training session this morning for a new thing we have to do because we were purchased by this ginormous company and we're all going to be out of jobs soon but in the meantime we are going to put new accounts in this new system starting tomorrow so this chick in the class decides to take out her anger at the poor random trainer, totally rude and bitchy, not to mention pointless then we got to listen to another class member's stupid pointless questions and now I'm back at my desk listening to whatsis making strange little noises infinitely disgusting and toadlike and I would like to go home, or better yet because I don't want to use my time off just to avoid listening to tuh-ing and snuffling, he should go home or just sit somewhere else and I know I could probably move one desk over but I don't think it would make a huge difference in the sound level, I mean who knows, it could just be fresh hell and all the noise would be magnified besides if I sit closer to CN she might justifiably begin to hate me and then where would I be left -- alone, that's where I would be left and I hate moving desks anyways see that's the main problem with this new schedule it's more quality time with people I can't stand and why should I feel bad about not liking people I am not going to worry about it anymore and I will be happy to reconsider my position if people I don't like do anything redemptive or somehow transform into less repellant beings I don't think that's too much to ask but I'm still pretty tired.

Songs in your head

Do you remember the Saturday Night Live sketch about Donald Trump's House of Wings (located near Derek Jeter's Taco Shack, I think)?

to the tune of "Jump"
Trump!
You know these wings will make you happy - Trump in!
You know these wings will fill you up - Trump!
If you wanna place with awesome chicken wings, yeah!
Donald Trumps House of Wings!

Trump
You know our wings come with free celery - Trump in!
You know that veggies are good for you - Trump!
If you want bleu cheese, that'll be a dollar extra!
Donald Trump! House of Wings!

Calvin & Hobbes Test, first posted by Neha at blinksview

Mostly Hobbes You are 30% Calvin and 70% Hobbes

You've got elements of both Calvin and Hobbes, but over all, your sensible side wins out over your wild streak, and you tend toward the tiger. As the picture below indicates, the head is the first place that people usually turn to the darkside (i.e. Calvin): symptoms include irresponsible behavior and crazy ideas. You're liable to both. But beneath that you have a heart, a sensitive side, and this more often than not carries the day.

Link: gwendolynbooks on The Calvin Or Hobbes Test

Hi, kids. How's everybody feeling?

I am going back to bed in 45 seconds. I just wanted to say that the gathering went well. People drank plenty of beer, that was good. People did not eat enough cupcakes. This saddens me. Four cupcakes - four MINI cupcakes are gone. Come on folks, work with me. Eat a fucking cupcake. They are for you guys. I do it all for you. I went to a grocery store and picked them out for you, hemming and hawing in the bakery department, asking myself which ones were the most delectable looking for your cupcakification.

Party prep

I'm taking a little break from the very easy tasks I have set for myself to be ready for this evening. I don't think we'll disturb the neighbors; we are all of age, mostly reasonable, and lots o' neighbors won't even be around. There is so much beer, especially Guinness, in my fridge right now. My fridge is fuller than it's ever been since I moved in here. And it's 75% beer, 5% jello shots. And maybe 10 people are coming. I certainly don't want anybody drinking her or himself sick (especially me), but people, come thirsty, ok?

The apartment -- well, the kitchen, living room and bathroom parts of the apartment -- is horribly tidy, to me anyway. I don't care about the rest. Just a couple more things to do.

Erin go bragh!

So, it's about an hour and a half before the really cool people start trickling into work, one by one.By one.

No offense to other co-worker/readers, if there are any. So I'm waxing prolific on the blog today. Got a lot to say about not much, I guess.

So, I went shopping a bit for the party I'm having tomorrow night. I got a couple of decorations, some food, and some booze. I have a little bit of Guinness, a little bit of cider, a huge case of Miller Lite (sorry, it was cheap!), and blue rasperry vodka (in a shot with Red Bull, it's called an Irish Viagra). Also, Coke, Diet Coke, and Sprite.

If you didn't get an e-mail about the party, it's because you don't live nearby or I just know you wouldn't go or perhaps I hate you, who can tell these days? If I was wrong about your location, party propensity or how much I hate you, drop me a line at somethingdirty at gmail.com.

I have a few e-mail addresses

And I think Yahoo thinks I'm a spammer. Every once in a while it pulls that word verification biz-nass on me. Like yesterday, I sent out an e-mail to a bunch of people (should I have requested an RSVP? dammit), and it's possible that one or more recipient didn't recognize my address and reported me as spam. I believe Whackly once hit the spam button when I sent him a forward with animated, floating baby angels. It was the sweetest thing ever and it filled his black heart with fear.

I like having a few e-mail addresses. And an identity on blogger rather than just using my name. I know, I know, secrecy and all that. But here's the thing: say you are applying for a job, for instance, like I should be right this very minute. So, what if they google your name? Now, googling MY name is an exercise in futility (unless you add the city a city I have lived or attended school in, even then how could you pick out which one was me?). You could be totally screwed. Everybody should take a minute to see what pops up under their name or internet persona's name. Seriously.

I'd probably be okay. On google I might be an eastern European telecom CEO, or Your Preferred Real Estate Representative. "Information - TV.com offers all of the latest {my name} news as well as exclusive {my name} pics."

A lot of people with my name are guys. There's an actor on IMDB, a college football player, a Texas Ranger. I am a distinguished sommelier in Las Vegas. I didn't find my real self on the first ten pages of the search - even my vanity was fatigued by page 8. In contrast, my blogger profile shows up on the first page of results when searching for the surprisingly un-ubiquitous phrase (for the internet) 'something dirty.'

Blog changes

So, there's been lots of changes in the blog layout. There will be more. It's probably not important to readers but I enjoy learning about this stuff and changing it up every so often. Monsieur Doordolt has been a big help, finding the current, and hosting the images, and showing me how to do stuff. I guess Blogger has screwy software. Go figure! If you are lucky you learn something every day.

Does anybody have a font suggestion?

So, Thursday. What's that all about?

I am working a couple hours earlier than usual today. So I am more tired, but somehow less surly, which is nice for the callers. I have had a couple of sad calls today, luckily our phone department is really cool and put a rush on the orders. One was for a sick person who needed a medicine pump that is monitored through a phone line. No phone line = no medicine = they can't come home yet. Got the order ok'd, got a tech scheduled, got it frickin' done! The other was a man whose daughter got a DUI and will be on house arrest. When that happens, you can't have any features (caller ID, call waiting specifically) on your line because it messes with the phone monitoring system, and you will not be able to check in and you will be sent to jail, and you won't be happy then, will you? The daughter didn't tell him til today that it starts tomorrow. It usually takes two business days to get that done. We can do it tomorrow! All I'm doing is scheduling the shit, other people are actually doing the stuff. Still, I feel like I've done some good today. Can I go home now?

If your eye pops out, there is something you can do.

http://www.slate.com/id/2137959/

In which the Explainer explains how to get your eye back into your head if necessary. Warning: don't read this if stuff like this sicks you out. In fact, no one should read this, ever. It reminds me of the time that happened on ER, and Abby wedged the dude's eyeball back under the lid. So gross. I'm going to keep my eyes 3/4 closed from now on to prevent this.

I've been at work for a whole hour today.

And I haven't looked at my e-mail today. I've gotten quite a few things done: a)I have spent nine hundred fifty-three dollars and thirty-two cents; b) I met with a career counselor at the Workforce Center; c) I applied turtle wax to my auto and mowed the lawn.

Some notes on my accomplishments: a) I really spent this money a long time ago; b) every employee at the Workforce Center looks like they have been molded from wax and then left out in the sun too long, some are of indeterminate gender, others have clearly been screwed by life but don't seem to realize it; c) this is an obvious and pointless lie.

But I really haven't checked my e-mail. I mean the real e-mail, not the work one. So if you've sent me something, it will just have to wait. Even though you haven't. But if you had, I wouldn't know, and I wouldn't care about what I didn't know.

I can't wait to Identify My Skills at an upcoming workshop. Last time I took these tests, they said I would make an excellent Wharfmaster! Or wharfmistress? Or wharfiatrix? The future is so bright.

A few tips for receiving excellent customer service

I would suggest, and I'm not being judgmental, that you sober up before calling. Barring that, take notes. This will save you from repeating yourself; then the customer service person won't get that note of aggravation in her voice, you won't be reminded of your ex-wife or parole officer or something and you won't freak out.

If you receive a letter or bill in the mail and you don't see information you would like to know on the first page, a little known secret of the trade may come in handy for you. Sometimes there's stuff on the back of that page! I know, it's a little sneaky; and you may be a busy lady who needs to call in and shriek to several places of business today. It's not fair to you, but that's the way it goes sometimes.

Yes, that is the way it goes sometimes. It's unfortunate, but the limits of human endeavor, not to mention the constraints of physical laws on earth as we know them at this time in history, make it possible that there are things you want that you may not be able to instantly receive. We are sorry, sorry to hear children in the background of your call, for it is likely that you have procreated, and prolifically, if the noise level and pitch of the hungry, irritated sobbings are any indication.

We are mere cogs in a vast corporational system that seeks to stymie you at every turn. However, we are a small call center, so if you call back in with a fantastical lie -- oh, I mean a misunderstanding, a misinterpretation, entirely the fault of the CSR -- my neighbor likely took the call and regaled us all with your insane request.

We realize you have a choice, and are so fucking glad you chose us. If you have any questions, please feel free to contact us. Could you make it before 10 a.m. or after 7 p.m.? Because if I have to talk to you for one more minute, I will have to exact some sort of revenge, maybe on you or maybe on the fucked up society that spawned you. That would be great. Thanks ever so much for your patronage.

artifice

I colored my hair yesterday. I got sick of looking at the highlights. The new color was a little darker and redder than I expected; (it was called medium bronze brown on the box, the dirty liars) but it will calm down with time. It's not radical now, I bet most people won't notice. Then I'll get something else done after it washes out - 28 shampoos down the line. Keepin' it fresh.

I have been coloring my hair once or twice a year since I was about 16. I moved from auburns and russets to highlights in a short span of time. I spent part of one summer very blond then topped it with a Stoplight Red that was supposed to last a week or so. But bleached hair is extra porous, so it lasted a bit longer. When the red finally washed out, I had went to a salon to go brown again (corrective color is a bitch. the colorists were hovering around me, hemming and hawing for 3 hours). A few months after that, I went dark, dark brown.

I have been tempted to do an intense color -- blue was my favorite. With those, you usually have to use permanent dye to get big results. I haven't been able to make the jump, not sure if I actually want to. I know it will come as a surprise, but I must tell you I am not very punk rock.

Should I worry that it's not the 'real me'? I am not concerned. Everything we do is a choice, and everything we do is temporary. Hair grows. So enjoy what you do, and be superficial sometimes.

Edit: I keep changing this post. I might just delete it completely. It doesn't work.

I will think about this.

I had not thought of it this way.
http://oriflamme.blogspot.com/2006/03/god-of-war.html

Now we have admitted that since the war started, all kinds of terrorist organizations have begun to concentrate in Iraq with the goal of destroying the US presence there. And I think that was one of the considerations in going to war. Present a remote site where Islamic zealots could attack the US without actually attacking the US or putting American civilians in harms way.

What do you guys think?

Here's a link for ya

http://impeachthemotherfuckeralready.com/

It's based on Dan Savage's always sage advice: DTMFA, or Dump the Motherfucker Already.

Here's an example of a recent column (and the DTMFA philosophy) if you haven't read it before. I'm not sure why I enjoy advice columns so much. Maybe it says something profound and dark about me.

Margot Howard moved from Dear Prudence on Slate to her own column on Yahoo News; Emily Yoffe (who is also hilarious) is now Prudie.

Check it out!

Talented Doordolt made this graphic. It's perfect for the holiday and it looks just like Jerry.

WTF? I hate medical studies

Do you ever get an email about how some everyday substance is totally bad for you, and you know right away it's a total bullshit urban myth? Yeah and then you read ... Antiperspirant: Link to Breast Cancer?

Ok, new layout time.

Hate it? Too much white space? Any opinion whatsoever? It seems cheerful but not irritating. Please, share your lovely thoughts.

Is it possible for the internet to have a mood?

The internet has been moody lately, and I don't need any of that energy in my aura. Anyway, I'm going to put on that lotion that has a little bit of self-tanner, in a few days I will have an orangey glow. I might stick around for an hour after work is done tonight, just like I did last night, chatting. I will eat dozens of Tic Tacs, for they are minty and delicious.

Eureka

Well, eureka is not really the right word. Anyway, the turtles had sort of a breakthrough last night. Mary ate a grasshopper, Jerry was still watching pretty closely, but he didn't climb over her to eat all the bug legs in the area. She even climbed up on the basking dock to revel in the artificial sunlight for a minute. Then she flopped back into the water and hid in the tangle of plastic plants by the lighthouse. The fish said mah-mah-mah in the next room.

I'm so busy and important

This week I am taking care of many animals while Crapnasty and fam are in Texas. Two turtles (Jerry & Mary), and 3 goldfish (Larry, Gary and Junior Jerry), two tanks. It's quite harrowing. The turtles eat dried grasshoppers, so I have to touch dead bugs twice a day. Also, the grasshoppers don't smell great. The fish food doesn't either. The fish make weird faces at me. Jerry won't let Mary eat any of the bug husks, hopefully she is catching some of the little tiny fish in their tank (not Larry or Gary or Jr. Jerry, they have their own place). And Jerry seems to be attempting to make sweet turtle love to Mary, and she isn't having it. I don't want to get involved in their melodrama! It's not even clear if the genders of the turtles matches their names, so it's possibly a sort of women-in-prison scene going on, or gay cowturtles on the lonesome prairie. Or it's like watching a dull underwater soap opera, and the snail is going to shoot somebody or turn out to be Stefano DiMera.

The goldfish are in the boys room. They have a monkey-noise doorbell thingy, which I discovered when I brushed past it and almost had a heart attack. The fish are going mah-mah-mah at me, and an eerie cackle fills the room. Then I see the monkey doorbell. All is well.

What a swell party this is

I'm watching High Society (1956) right now. It's a musical adaptation of The Philadelphia Story (1940). Basically it's Bing Crosby, Frank Sinatra and Grace Kelly vs. Cary Grant, James Stewart and Katherine Hepburn. In both movies, the male leads have almost as much chemistry with each other as the girl they're both in love with.

I don't know if I'd seen High Society first, I might have liked it better or at least as well as Philadelphia Story. The songs are really cheesy, I couldn't believe Cole Porter wrote some of them! Sinatra is adorable, Bing Crosby does his 'bububub' thing. And Grace Kelly is beautiful, but she apes Hepburn's delivery just a little. Of course, in both, everything comes out in the end, in High Society with Louis Armstrong and his band and a jazzed up Wedding March.

Today's bit of blasphemy

http://muhammadandme.blogspot.com/

Anybody offended? Do tell.

Stupid in the morning

Do you ever have a dream where, if you wake up for a little bit, you start right back up when you go to sleep? Usually they are interesting and it's good to see what happens next, no matter how little of it you remember later. Not so much today. In the dream I was a bridesmaid, and I needed to find a good facial scrub so my skin wouldn't be ashy and dull. My mother drove me to a Target store that was half under construction, half Kafka's Castle. I didn't have any money. I faced interrogations from Health & Beauty employees. I needed to get things done to my hair and slip into a sorbet-colored dress in time for the ceremony. Every nine minutes my alarm went off, I hit snooze and fell back into the dream. It was not an interesting dreams.

I am fuzzy minded today. By jingo, I should be feeling simply swell. Plenty of sleep, a springy feel to the air, living in the greatest country in the whole damn world!

You know Voix de Michèle?

Voix de Michèle has a blogroll on the side, I keep meaning to read more of them but some days it's all I can do to keep up with the ones I already know. Today I clicked on Kine just because, and it is a wonderful blog. She has a link to this site, so if you work with me don't be surprised to see new decorations at your desk. Happy posters! I guess there's some political thing about them but they are also cute. I am feeling indifferent today.

Shhh.

The overhead lights are off. There's some sort of electrical problem. But everything else is working, we are bathed in the glows of computers and televisions and even some sunlight from the long narrow window. Everyone is being quieter, muffled by the darkness. And just as suddenly, it was over, the lights came on all over the world. I hear sounds of disappointment over the cubicle wall.

__________________
palisades.
[From French palissade, Latin palus (stake). Ultimately from Indo-European root pag- (to fasten) that is also the source of peace, pacify, pact, travel, compact, pagan, and peasant.]

All those words are related? That's crazy.
_______________________
I suggest you read this poem. Not that anybody I know or even myself personally might have a hangover, and I sure as hell am not doing yardwork.
http://www.slate.com/id/2120097/fr/nl/

About a year ago

I went to Colorado last March. I felt so peaceful and calm when I got back; the feeling lasted a long time. Here's an e-mail I sent to my mom upon my return:

On the way back, we sat in front of these cute kids. The little boy was maybe two and the mom was giving him some chewy candy so his ears would feel ok, I guess, and he was asking for them by color: "Peenk? Geen? Byoo? Moh. Moh!" And the girl was about four. At the end of the flight she started singing "I'm going to my home sweet home, yeah!"

While I was there I went to the Shambhala center and my friend in Ft Collins gave me a cranio-sacral therapy session. I'm wondering if there's anybody around here who does that type of bodywork, it was very cool. Seemed like a bunch of hooey, but it wasn't. I can't describe it.