found on the back of a piece of scrap paper

If possible, arrange to get work done.

as though you're accomplishing more if
but you will be more productive and
give your undivided attention to one task

tra work during busy times. Only attend
datory.
roductive. Be on time. Come to the
hand.
efore. This will head off problems due to
nflicts.
rmine which tasks are most important and
self enough time to get the work done, but
ense of urgency about it. Be prepared to
change.

I have sneezed so many times today.

And as I thought about righting this post about sneezing, I thought "Why would anyone want to read this?" With me, questions like that lead inevitably to wondering why anyone reads most things. I mean, if you suspect that religion and philosophy are tricks we play on ourselves, and you don't need something informational, like a recipe for goulash or a how-to on proper engine maintenance, what reason is there to read? Sometimes I read almost compulsively (calling it a compulsion is probably not precisely correct; if anyone out there can think of something, let me know). So having a billion and twelve blogs out there to choose from, whether they are good, worthwhile, or relevant to myself or not, is wonderful and saves me from reading, once again, the text from the box of cold medicine that is sitting on my desk.
"Stop use and ask a doctor if
-redness or swelling is present
-you get nervous, dizzy or sleepless
-new symptoms occur
-fever gets worse or lasts more than 3 days
-pain, nasal congestion or cough gets worse of lasts more than 7 days
-cough comes back or occurs with rash or headache that lasts. These could be the signs of a serious condition."

I'm waiting to sneeze again. I'm going to settle in with my new book.

Happy St. Polycarp day!

Or something! I have the same birthday as a bunch of weirdos. Also, it's Australia Day and on this day in 1340, King Edward III of England is declared King of France. But did King Edward III of England get fried ice cream!? I think he probably didn't! He probably had aged venison and trenchers and gross middle ages food. Also, he probably had lice and I have never had lice, unless it was when I was very young, too young to remember, which is doubtful because that is the kind of thing my mom would have told me, at least I think so. I better call her.

If you fall I won't catch you! I won't be waiting! (line from a tv show)

I went to dinner with people tonight, and this woman was describing the gorilla who visited her work for her co-worker's birthday. I was all, "I know him! I know that gorilla!" Actually it was the girl gorilla but I know her too.

In case you are confused by this, shut up. The gorillas have a singing telegram company!

I drank coffee again. I can't believe that shit is legal. My mind is racing, my jaw is clenched, I can't stop humming. I feel like the kitty in the post below looks.

The only thing bad about this coffee-with-dinner thing is I will have trouble falling asleep and I have had interesting dreams lately; dreams that I would like to revisit. Here are the last four dreams I have had, in summary, starting with the most recent:

4. One out of every four people were automatically fired at work. They were picked randomly after their first 90 days. People kept coming back and trying again, and getting fired again; they were just unlucky.
3. Everything stopped working. Like electricity and phones and the whole entire interweb. But, like, my dream had poor continuity, because at one point, for no reason, the tv worked again and I was watching scenes from my hometown. I saw this girl from my high school walking with masses of people. I was like, hmm, she must have moved back from Nebraska or wherever. Then everything shut off again and everyone stayed home and waited. I don't know, the whole thing was a sort of low key, slow moving apocalypse.
2. I met this woman who ran a whorehouse, she also made very specific costumes for her 'ladies'. They were large doily-looking dresses. She was very rich.
1. I was staying in this big room with four doors that opened to different places. I was traveling with people from my current job, but I had become separated from them and wouldn't be able to find them unless I could guess their code names.

You see why I like to sleep?

best thing ever

"Oh fer Christ's sake!" I think we all know where this came from. CuteOverload! Yesssssssssssss. The kitty is an agitated lil hipster, or something.

Medicine

I have a slight case of the sniffles, which is annoying to myself and others, so I sought to remedy it at my friendly local pharmacy. I thought the crank-ingredient stuff, you know, pseudoephedrine would be the best thing but I asked the pharmacist and he said no! Silly goose, you need an antihistamine. So I got some generic version of Claritin and I took it and I feel better already.

I think that I think of pseudoephedrine as a magical elixir a) because of when I was a college freshman and I got sick, and that stuff and hot tea were the only things that made me feel better; and b) because it's behind the counter now, so it must be better right? It's special. But not so much! It's just better as a decongestant than that phenylepiframinandimdianmamainane they use in the regular stuff now.

What's it gonna take, silver shadow believa?

This is the song I've had in my head all day.

LH Rand and Whackly both expressed the idea that the call in the post below could make a great writing prompt: what's happening on the other side of the line? I do think about that at work quite a bit. Like, sometimes when somebody sounds really fucked up on the phone, I should just tell them I'll transfer them to the appropriate department and then, you know, transfer them; but sometimes I talk to them a little bit more just to see what they are like, if I'm right about them.

But anyway. Have a lovely weekend.

On the phone

Yesterday at work I answered the phone, as I do a hundred times a day, and said my customary greeting. In return I heard a tiny voice saying, "My mom... [indecipherable] bug in her hair [not speaking into the phone's reciever] and isn't here... gotta get that bug out of her hair."

I thought instead of slamming down the phone I would try to help, so I said in my sweetest, fakest voice, "What's your mom's name?"

Wrong question. "Um [babbling]. Jessica? {yelling} Mom? What's your name?"

Mom gets on the phone. "Hello?"

"Hi," I said. "You guys called us?"

Mom says, "Uh, I don't know. Sorry, bye." as the little girl in the background says, "Mom, I don't know your name..."

That was the end of the call. And they were never heard from again. I don't know if the mom's name actually was Jessica, or the moppet just really liked that name. These are the harrowing mysteries I must confront each day.

Sparkles

I bought more jewelry. Went to another jewelry party. Did I mention on the blog before that I went to a few jewelry parties? Rationalizing: hey, I got some awesome deals. Reality: I am now all jewelried up for a while; I tend to be a little compulsive every now and then. But unless I become a dealer, I probably won't get any farther into the game. I mean, at least not for a couple of months. With tonight's order I have everything I covet from the catalog.

The new catalog comes out in two weeks. Whatever. It's such a chick thing to do. We go to these parties, we throw these parties, we enjoy them. Really! Maybe some people don't like them, I mean, I understand the issues. Guys never have hostess parties, otherwise they'd be called host parties. If they had a Nascar theme, maybe...

golden globes

Sasha Baron Cohen: surprisingly hot when dressed like/talking like a real person. Wow.

From today's paper. Stuff that made me laugh

Headline: "Ice coats nation's midsection." Not sure why it's so funny.

From a story about a local dance show: "The afternoon show combined the maic energy of a Robin Williams concert with the perkiness of Kelly Ripa as the girls smiled and shook to the beat of blaring music." Ok, writer, we get it. You hated it. You probably even hated the little 3 year old ballerinas, you black-hearted bastard.

There is nothing else funny in the paper today; they stopped carrying Cathy long ago. Har dee har har.

Wheeeeeeeeeeeeee

I had two cups of coffee at lunch today and I was totally fuckin wired for the rest of the day. That's quite sad. I'm still feeling it. I do get a bit of caffeine from a nasty Diet Coke habit I been trying to shake, but I don't usually drink coffee. It just sounded so nice and warm and ever so cozy. So, I get back to work after lunch and chitchat w/CN, and in my jittered up state, at a meeting I suggest to my boss that we label the link to the time/attendance/scheduling section of our internal website "T & A". Like, click on the T & A button to be really disappointed, or to fix your timecard. She either didn't get it or she pretended not to and she's maybe planning to kill me. Maybe definitely planning to kill me.

Also at work they are planning on celebrating a different culture each month... so far the plan sounds like stereotypes and food, which is awesome.

Without going into too much detail: Like, is this going to be the most offensive thing ever? I hope so. I really do, except that I don't. Maybe I'm just jumping to conclusions and it will turn out really beautiful and educational and shit. If not, tune in here for the post mortem!

May cause itching, insomnia and incontinence

I would say laughter is the best medicine. But it's more than that. It's an entire regime of antibiotics and steroids. Laughter brings the swelling down on our national psyche, and then applies an antibiotic cream. You gotta keep it away from your eyes... Obviously, it's a challenge to make light of the darkness but, um, it's better than crying about it. --Stephen Colbert

Interview with Stephen Colbert in Entertainment Weekly

I know it's not really the end of the world or anything...

but a girl gets anxious, you know? Let's all hide.

Here, here, here, here, and everything here.

Wow

Rob the Bouncer espouses one of my personal rules for life.

Here is Rule Number One: Don’t inflict yourself on other people.

Maybe he has a different take on it than I do. Maybe I'll explain it in more detail later, but probably not.

*edit: Yeah, I guess I should explain slightly. This became my philosophy a few years ago from working in retail and knowing, you know, human beings, sometimes. You could describe my policy as isolationism if you wanted to.

Dayton for Gov?

Oh please let it be so!

From Wonkette

I don't know why I lurve him so.

Hi ya

I'm hanging around my apartment, wearing my bathrobe and drinking a beer. What are you up to this weekend?

Boom

My neighbors like bass. This evening, every half hour or so, I've been treated to the thudding reverberations of their shitty music. Why the interval?

Do you ever have that feeling that something is in your eye, like an eyelash? But there isn't anything there. I've had that feeling all day. I've tried to avoid rubbing my eye, I've avoided it for hours at a time.

My new year's resolutions are possibly these: buy more shoes, trust my instincts, read more, wear more jewelry, eat more apples, relax, swear more, avoid old people, watch exactly the same amount of television (I mean it, I've struck the perfect balance), most ambitious: get rid of half of my possessions, keep better track of celebrity gossip, blog regularly, hide from meanies, sneer more.