Smoky treats

I have thought a lot about smoking, and not smoking and why lately. I have smoked on and off since I was 18. On weekends when drinking, before drinking, the day after the party, when I'm stressed, when I'm on break at work, when I'm bored, when there's a smoking break room at work, when I live alone and can smoke whenever and wherever I want.

Here's what got me thinking. I don't really want to smoke, but I really, really really like smoking. That is perhaps contradictory but true. The crux of the problem is that I don't want to like smoking. Last year I quit for over three months.

It's a sort of drowsy afternoon, can't think too much.

I've often wondered about this myself.

"...the idea of a sacred Judas always seemed rational to me, at least in Christian terms. The New Testament tells us firmly that Jesus went to Jerusalem at Passover to die and to fulfill certain ancient prophecies by doing so. How could any agent of this process, witting or unwitting, be acting other than according to the divine will?"

Christopher Hitchens
http://www.slate.com/id/2139781/

Peace in our times

Copied and pasted (and corrected) from a comment on another blog. I was driving down scenic 3rd Street in St. Cloud the other day and I saw two 10 or 11 year old girls waving a sign on the sidewalk. I thought early-season lemonade stand or garage sale, but no. Their sign said 'Honk for peace' and when I honked beep-beep-beep they screamed and cheered! I didn't hear any other honks. I bet some people flipped them off.

I wonder why they did it. I hope nobody yelled at them for liking peace.

Shake it shake it shake it girl; make sure you don't break it girl

Today's word of the day. ha.

Does thinking about death always have to be gloomy? I'd like to confine this discussion to one's own death, if you don't mind, because that's funner. But whatever. You can certainly comment in whatever manner you like.

Blogagaard once had a multi-part series about the meaning of life. This makes my brain itch, so I am not useful in a discussion of life's meaning. Perhaps death has a meaning. Life seems to be just about making more life, more human life specifically. All those adaptations to survive long enough to procreate and to make healthy offspring. So the offspring can do the same. Great. I don't think that's so much meaningful as an explanation. The traits that survive lead to more survival. And so forth. And we believe that there's some meaning to it because optimism and faith are somehow evolutionarily beneficial. This makes sense, but not meaning. This makes me roll my eyes at the universe.

What could be the meaning of one's own death? Since we don't know what happens afterwards, let's just look at what we can know. We know we will decay and nourish the earth; for some this will take longer because they are embalmed and encased and entombed. Did you know you can have cremated remains made into diamonds? That gives me the heebie jeebies but I can see why people might do it. Victorians used to use the hair of their dead loved ones in jewelry and paperweights and things.

You could say that death has a meaning in giving meaning to life; you know your time is limited even if you don't know when it will end so you try to live it well. When others die, we take stock of both their lives and our own. We may do the same when we have a brush with mortality like illness or an accident.

The mind rebels at the thought that it could end.

On the other hand, it is spring and the lilacs will blossom soon. There's air to breath and things to read so what does it matter if the universe is a big pointless mess?

These packets of freedom

and flavor. Kool-Aid singles. Dump two in a 20 oz bottle of water and enjoy. Or 1 Crystal Light to go, same thing. Grape or iced tea refreshment. It's so convenient, it's not merely convenient but decadent. There's even an off brand which is not only easy and delicious but relatively inexpensive.

I'm afraid I'll get soft and weak and be unable to mix normal tubs of drink mix with entire pitchers of water that I will then store in/retrieve from the refrigerator. Did our ancestors have misgivings when they first saw packets of crackers with an adjacent chamber of spreadable cheese and a small plastic stick with which the consumer might apply that cheese?

Did they avoid aluminum foil on a roll for a while, like I avoided Swiffer sweepers? Did they get the feeling that things were getting too easy, and we would have to pay for it, someday?

The results

What should aoasus name his blog?

givekylethetvinexchangeforhimmowingmylawnwhileimint
6 votes, 13%

My Penis, My Divining Rod
14 votes, 30%

A half empty bottle of white out
4 votes, 9%

itwasmythongyoujuststeppedon
2 votes, 4%

ihadaboat.andstillhaveamotorcycle.butmightbesellinghthattooificant
getitdowntodallastooeasily
7 votes, 15%

aoasus_but-not-the-kind-in-the-desert dot blogspot dot com
2 votes, 4%

godsavemefromthelonghorns dot blogspot dot com
1 vote, 2%

thundercougarfalconbird.blogspot.com
9 votes, 19%

wannaseemyoildrill dot blogspot dot com
2 votes, 4%

Total Votes: 47

Trying something out here:

Super Lion Energy Drink. 250 millileters of power.

Super Lion is a product of Malaysia. It (the drink, not Malaysia) looks and tastes like Red Bull, only more so and better, and it has an awesome pouncing lion on the can.

Feelings of indescribable whatever wash over me in purple melodious waves. Like an ocean of amber liquid lapping at the shores of omniscience. My heart goes thud thud thud in my head head head.

I feel as though the secrets of the universe should be unfolding before me, but they are not and that is fine with me. I don't want to be nosy with the universe, if it leaves me alone I won't bother it either. The brain-heart thudding transitions into a sort of pleasant balmy nausea. My soul is replete, the cubicle in which I sit extends to all corners of the state, bounded on the west by the cresting Red River between Katie & Erin's desks, the Mississippi slides through the middle then hooks right over Tara's stapler. It's too bad they aren't here to see this. It's fucking awesome.

I won't take any sass-talk today, no prevarications. But that would be strange. NO sass talk? What-so-whom-ever? No quasi-semi-lies? That seems unlikely. I will reconsider. But I will listen to the bullshit with an arrogant sneer on my face! That will help!

And it does. It works. It works and it helps and it works. It is good to be fooled, it is safe and comforting. And even though I don't really buy it, I have plausible deniability -- I know nothing! I see nothing! -- which is important.

Now I will eat my hot & sour noodle soup. It is the soup of righteousness and of valor. My blood pressure will be raised by a power of ten and I will cavort with angels and demons in a field of post it notes and red foam #1 fingers.

The nightlife

Last Saturday, I saw Al for the first time. Oh, I've seen him around before, probably. I must have. He's an eighty-four year old man who frequents area bars in a flame-printed shirt, cowboy boots and a large white plastic belt buckle inscribed AL and bordered with small red blinking lights. I just never noticed him before, never really saw him.

Ok, I've never seen him before. Or if I have, it was long forgotten, and the Al part of my brain was erased and rewritten with the leather jacket/karaoke dancing guy at the VFW, the Port Security jacket guy, or that methed-up chick I used to see all over town. But Al is back on the docket.

Al goes out dancing 3 nights a week. Thursday, Friday, Saturday. Saturday is his night for Legend's. His wife was a dance teacher, she passed away a few years ago. If my parents, in their early 60s had as much mobility and joie de vivre as Al does in his early 80s, (or perhaps slightly less, for the sake of decorum) I would be contented. He shimmies, he snakes across the floor, he works those hips with dismaying enthusiasm. He boot-scoots to classic rock, he winks at the girls.

I wonder how he got the belt. Did he make it himself? Was it a gift from an admirer? Are his grandchildren horrified? Does he realize he's encouraging the less-healthy and agile old people to go out and shake their booties and bump into me on the dance floor and creep me out by grinning and waving their long gray hands?

I didn't talk to him, I don't like strangers. But Marc chatted with him a couple of weeks ago, so he told me some stuff. Marc also pointed out a woman in a biker jacket & a short skirt. Her fishnet stockings kept slipping down, and it didn't seem like the visible top was part of the look, because she would stop dancing to hike the stockings back up, which was probably less sexy than the effect she was hoping to achieve. Marc is kind of a character himself you know; he emcees at a comedy club and he used to wear this terrible white tuxedo to the show. On Saturday he was wearing a t-shirt with a humorous play on the number sixty-nine and jeans and a sportsjacket.

So that was fun.

Logophilia

A bunch of Slate links

Naughty crossword, naughty NYT: I never thought about the origin of the word scumbag before. It's kind of ishy.

This article also links to another wordy article, about people who say 'literally' when they mean 'figuratively'. Apparently, it is a common failing and not so big a deal. This usage has always bothered and confounded me - they mean the opposite of each other! What use is it if antonyms become synomyms? I am not a proper speaker, myself. I always use borrow and lend interchangeably; I know that drives some people nuts. As a young child, 'itch' meant scratch and 'scratch' meant itch to me.

And finally, in 2003, Slate's Andy Bowers tried to guess what words of the current war will catch on. So far, the only one I see sticking is 'shock and awe'.

Why and what

If you voted for a blog name, would you care to share what you chose and why? Please do.

I like daylight savings time!

Not to brag or nothin, but it is still light out and I got done with work 40 minutes ago! This is quite nice, not an accomplishment by any means, but enjoyable.

Monday Monday can't trust that day.

I am doing 5 hours of overtime today! It makes me hyper. I'm getting slap happy and punchy and squirrely. I only have four hours left to my workday! Huzzah! Spaztastic.

Linkunday

Kitty Movie: Honey Bunny, auteur.
Here's a bunch of links from Gawker's Blogorrhea, and links that came from the links.
Death begins in the colon: Not as intestinally oriented as one might expect. Don't be disappointed like I was. :( But do read it.
Sell your dignity and watch a movie: This is what we may look forward to in a few weeks, dearest co-workers, and some are enjoying it now.
What's black and white and read all over: Good times, haven't read much of it but the blog name is provocative.
Knobboy: "We distort, you infer."

Also this is cool: Fake PSAs from The Office

Things that you own

I have realized that I need to get rid of all my possessions, throw them out. I will bring the good stuff to Goodwill or maybe I will give it to you.

There isn't much good stuff, there is mostly stuff to sift through and toss.

Take a random example of a box of junk in my currently-rather-inhospitable guest room: it might have receipts from Target, junk mail from 2002, gum wrappers, dead pens, a Barbie Happy Meal toy, a broken widget from an espresso maker, expired coupons, a dead spider, a lone red sock.

I can only throw out one third of this example box at a time! There is a period of mourning, adjustment. The whole five stage thing. Denial, bargaining, whatever the other ones are. Sometimes I wake up wondering if that yogurt coupon could have changed my life.

I imagine that when all the boxes are emptied (when I am 75), I will feel clean and holy. I will be ready for the Next Thing. That is also what I fear! Not just the next thing, but also the empty stark surfaces; all my favorite things to trip over are gone gone gone.

Also, tidy people don't like messy people who are packrats. They distrust us and laugh at us, all at once.

Something

It's going to rain. I think it sort of rained last night, but not very much. Sometimes, a person's sleep schedule gets interrupted or changed and while she is adjusting, she spends her days in a sort of a haze. Memories take on the elusive qualities of dreams; so she wonders if things really happened or perhaps getting all that junk mail was a symbol of the ultimate emptiness of human endeavor. What a stupid dream that would be; she hopes to find a stack of catalogs and credit card offers on the ottoman when she returns home. While she is working she is saying things she has said thousands of times before so it seems only natural to close her eyes.

Do you know any ghost stories?

Or any scary stories. Especially real ones, especially ones that happened to you. I am in the mood to get scared. It was nice and foggy and gloomy when I came in to work today.

I have never had any supernatural or unexplainable experiences, but I have heard things from other people. Huddled on a bus on a school trip in high school, or at a small table in the corner of a quiet bar, people have a lot of stories to share. I have heard about haunted houses; seeing a recently dead loved one, sometimes immediately before learning they are dead, sometimes in a dream or just sitting in the chair next to them. I don't know if I believe in this, in fact I am 99.9% sure I don't, but the people who told me these things did believe. There is something in the world or the makeup of the human brain that makes these things real to some of us.

I think I've read similar stuff in other blogs, so if I stole your post, I apologize.

At the movies

I like to go to movies. Except for the movies themselves and the other people in the theater, and most of the concessions, it is a fun time. When I went to the Care Bears Movie in first or second grade, or was it a Rainbow Brite movie? I don't remember if there even was a Rainbow Brite movie, but I was at some kids movie, with a couple of other kids and at least one parent. Yeah, I think it was Christy's mom, because there was a general air of lawlessness. Anyway the important thing is we were the only people in the theater.

It was awesome. Total freedom. We didn't do much with the freedom but wander around a little and bask in the freedom. I remember thinking in my 8 year old head -- and I hope this is not an accurate memory but something I added as a cynical teen -- that the movie must not be doing very well if the theater was this empty on a Saturday afternoon. Hey, it was the Strawberry Shortcake movie! No, just googled it, that's not it. So, we have our little treats and pops (why did I start calling it soda after high school? What am I trying to prove?) and we are sitting alone in the middle of the theater. It rocked. I keep hoping that will happen to me again.

I like big buckets of diet cola and gummy fruity candy. I even like bad movies, they are usually good enough, and what am I? Some cinephile, some snob who wants subtitles and complex plots? Very mostly not.

So I went to the movies last night and there were way too many people there. It was the 9:30 show so it couldn't have been that bad, but I was sitting amidst about 6 people and sometimes they tried to talk to me. I even forgot myself and spoke to them occasionally. Actually I am terribly chatty in the movies -- I hate people who can't shut up in the movies but sometimes I need to whisper to my neighbor to see if they also saw the thing that just happened in the movie and if they found it as marvelous as I did -- but one doesn't like to get too friendly with strangers.

V for Vendetta, very good, visually striking. Almost makes me want to read the graphic novel but not quite. Definitely makes me want to join some sort of uprising. If anyone knows of a good revolution tell me.

Name that blog!

Suggestion contest redux

So, mother truckers, I am serious here. Just so's you know. We gotta name that shit. Although A is under no obligation to use the name for his blog; someone else could start one and pretend to be him, that has a potential for comedy anyway. I really don't have anything better to do today. So, so, so, I will wait for ten more blog name suggestions, of any caliber before posting again and judging the contest or setting up a vote or whatever I feel like doing that day.

Thus far 3 titles have come in:

1. givekylethetvinexchangeforhimmowingmylawnwhileimint{exas} by the bellicose but still talented and lilac-scented Whackly.
2. "My Penis, My Divining Rod" by the bitter, yet whimsical and ravishing Doordolt.
3. "A half empty bottle of white out" from the oafish but somehow dainty and elfin Aoasus.

Ten more and we will have a lucky baker's dozen.

Some info to help you: A. just moved to Texas. He is an A/V nerd with a motorcycle. He had to give up his cat Elliot (a storied figure in this very blog; he of the swollen lip and pugnacious disposition) when he moved. He can probably take the heat if you mock him a lot, just don't get super vicious because that is tacky and here at Jerry the Turtle we try to live by Voix's rule against tackiness.

The only rule is [there ARE NO RULES except] no more than two suggestions per person will considered for the competition; because I have to be prissy about something or it isn't any fun for me. Anonymous suggestions are welcome but they better be good.

Suggestion contest

What should aoasus name his blog? Not that he will use the suggestion, but it could be fun. We could like vote and stuff. Ooh, I could use that annoying bravenet poll thing to narrow down to the winner.

Suggestions?

edited to add: If you don't know A, don't worry. Your suggestions are very welcome, particularly if they are insulting, but I know it can be difficult to insult strangers effectively so any random thing would be swell. What's a good blog name that you don't really want yourself but would like to see on a blog? Puns are acceptable.

Hey guys

I don't feel so good. I've been drinking watered down gatorade and it's delicious.

If you would like to know

I had a training session this morning for a new thing we have to do because we were purchased by this ginormous company and we're all going to be out of jobs soon but in the meantime we are going to put new accounts in this new system starting tomorrow so this chick in the class decides to take out her anger at the poor random trainer, totally rude and bitchy, not to mention pointless then we got to listen to another class member's stupid pointless questions and now I'm back at my desk listening to whatsis making strange little noises infinitely disgusting and toadlike and I would like to go home, or better yet because I don't want to use my time off just to avoid listening to tuh-ing and snuffling, he should go home or just sit somewhere else and I know I could probably move one desk over but I don't think it would make a huge difference in the sound level, I mean who knows, it could just be fresh hell and all the noise would be magnified besides if I sit closer to CN she might justifiably begin to hate me and then where would I be left -- alone, that's where I would be left and I hate moving desks anyways see that's the main problem with this new schedule it's more quality time with people I can't stand and why should I feel bad about not liking people I am not going to worry about it anymore and I will be happy to reconsider my position if people I don't like do anything redemptive or somehow transform into less repellant beings I don't think that's too much to ask but I'm still pretty tired.

Songs in your head

Do you remember the Saturday Night Live sketch about Donald Trump's House of Wings (located near Derek Jeter's Taco Shack, I think)?

to the tune of "Jump"
Trump!
You know these wings will make you happy - Trump in!
You know these wings will fill you up - Trump!
If you wanna place with awesome chicken wings, yeah!
Donald Trumps House of Wings!

Trump
You know our wings come with free celery - Trump in!
You know that veggies are good for you - Trump!
If you want bleu cheese, that'll be a dollar extra!
Donald Trump! House of Wings!

Calvin & Hobbes Test, first posted by Neha at blinksview

Mostly Hobbes You are 30% Calvin and 70% Hobbes

You've got elements of both Calvin and Hobbes, but over all, your sensible side wins out over your wild streak, and you tend toward the tiger. As the picture below indicates, the head is the first place that people usually turn to the darkside (i.e. Calvin): symptoms include irresponsible behavior and crazy ideas. You're liable to both. But beneath that you have a heart, a sensitive side, and this more often than not carries the day.

Link: gwendolynbooks on The Calvin Or Hobbes Test

Hi, kids. How's everybody feeling?

I am going back to bed in 45 seconds. I just wanted to say that the gathering went well. People drank plenty of beer, that was good. People did not eat enough cupcakes. This saddens me. Four cupcakes - four MINI cupcakes are gone. Come on folks, work with me. Eat a fucking cupcake. They are for you guys. I do it all for you. I went to a grocery store and picked them out for you, hemming and hawing in the bakery department, asking myself which ones were the most delectable looking for your cupcakification.

Party prep

I'm taking a little break from the very easy tasks I have set for myself to be ready for this evening. I don't think we'll disturb the neighbors; we are all of age, mostly reasonable, and lots o' neighbors won't even be around. There is so much beer, especially Guinness, in my fridge right now. My fridge is fuller than it's ever been since I moved in here. And it's 75% beer, 5% jello shots. And maybe 10 people are coming. I certainly don't want anybody drinking her or himself sick (especially me), but people, come thirsty, ok?

The apartment -- well, the kitchen, living room and bathroom parts of the apartment -- is horribly tidy, to me anyway. I don't care about the rest. Just a couple more things to do.

Erin go bragh!

So, it's about an hour and a half before the really cool people start trickling into work, one by one.By one.

No offense to other co-worker/readers, if there are any. So I'm waxing prolific on the blog today. Got a lot to say about not much, I guess.

So, I went shopping a bit for the party I'm having tomorrow night. I got a couple of decorations, some food, and some booze. I have a little bit of Guinness, a little bit of cider, a huge case of Miller Lite (sorry, it was cheap!), and blue rasperry vodka (in a shot with Red Bull, it's called an Irish Viagra). Also, Coke, Diet Coke, and Sprite.

If you didn't get an e-mail about the party, it's because you don't live nearby or I just know you wouldn't go or perhaps I hate you, who can tell these days? If I was wrong about your location, party propensity or how much I hate you, drop me a line at somethingdirty at gmail.com.

I have a few e-mail addresses

And I think Yahoo thinks I'm a spammer. Every once in a while it pulls that word verification biz-nass on me. Like yesterday, I sent out an e-mail to a bunch of people (should I have requested an RSVP? dammit), and it's possible that one or more recipient didn't recognize my address and reported me as spam. I believe Whackly once hit the spam button when I sent him a forward with animated, floating baby angels. It was the sweetest thing ever and it filled his black heart with fear.

I like having a few e-mail addresses. And an identity on blogger rather than just using my name. I know, I know, secrecy and all that. But here's the thing: say you are applying for a job, for instance, like I should be right this very minute. So, what if they google your name? Now, googling MY name is an exercise in futility (unless you add the city a city I have lived or attended school in, even then how could you pick out which one was me?). You could be totally screwed. Everybody should take a minute to see what pops up under their name or internet persona's name. Seriously.

I'd probably be okay. On google I might be an eastern European telecom CEO, or Your Preferred Real Estate Representative. "Information - TV.com offers all of the latest {my name} news as well as exclusive {my name} pics."

A lot of people with my name are guys. There's an actor on IMDB, a college football player, a Texas Ranger. I am a distinguished sommelier in Las Vegas. I didn't find my real self on the first ten pages of the search - even my vanity was fatigued by page 8. In contrast, my blogger profile shows up on the first page of results when searching for the surprisingly un-ubiquitous phrase (for the internet) 'something dirty.'

Blog changes

So, there's been lots of changes in the blog layout. There will be more. It's probably not important to readers but I enjoy learning about this stuff and changing it up every so often. Monsieur Doordolt has been a big help, finding the current, and hosting the images, and showing me how to do stuff. I guess Blogger has screwy software. Go figure! If you are lucky you learn something every day.

Does anybody have a font suggestion?

So, Thursday. What's that all about?

I am working a couple hours earlier than usual today. So I am more tired, but somehow less surly, which is nice for the callers. I have had a couple of sad calls today, luckily our phone department is really cool and put a rush on the orders. One was for a sick person who needed a medicine pump that is monitored through a phone line. No phone line = no medicine = they can't come home yet. Got the order ok'd, got a tech scheduled, got it frickin' done! The other was a man whose daughter got a DUI and will be on house arrest. When that happens, you can't have any features (caller ID, call waiting specifically) on your line because it messes with the phone monitoring system, and you will not be able to check in and you will be sent to jail, and you won't be happy then, will you? The daughter didn't tell him til today that it starts tomorrow. It usually takes two business days to get that done. We can do it tomorrow! All I'm doing is scheduling the shit, other people are actually doing the stuff. Still, I feel like I've done some good today. Can I go home now?

If your eye pops out, there is something you can do.

http://www.slate.com/id/2137959/

In which the Explainer explains how to get your eye back into your head if necessary. Warning: don't read this if stuff like this sicks you out. In fact, no one should read this, ever. It reminds me of the time that happened on ER, and Abby wedged the dude's eyeball back under the lid. So gross. I'm going to keep my eyes 3/4 closed from now on to prevent this.

I've been at work for a whole hour today.

And I haven't looked at my e-mail today. I've gotten quite a few things done: a)I have spent nine hundred fifty-three dollars and thirty-two cents; b) I met with a career counselor at the Workforce Center; c) I applied turtle wax to my auto and mowed the lawn.

Some notes on my accomplishments: a) I really spent this money a long time ago; b) every employee at the Workforce Center looks like they have been molded from wax and then left out in the sun too long, some are of indeterminate gender, others have clearly been screwed by life but don't seem to realize it; c) this is an obvious and pointless lie.

But I really haven't checked my e-mail. I mean the real e-mail, not the work one. So if you've sent me something, it will just have to wait. Even though you haven't. But if you had, I wouldn't know, and I wouldn't care about what I didn't know.

I can't wait to Identify My Skills at an upcoming workshop. Last time I took these tests, they said I would make an excellent Wharfmaster! Or wharfmistress? Or wharfiatrix? The future is so bright.

A few tips for receiving excellent customer service

I would suggest, and I'm not being judgmental, that you sober up before calling. Barring that, take notes. This will save you from repeating yourself; then the customer service person won't get that note of aggravation in her voice, you won't be reminded of your ex-wife or parole officer or something and you won't freak out.

If you receive a letter or bill in the mail and you don't see information you would like to know on the first page, a little known secret of the trade may come in handy for you. Sometimes there's stuff on the back of that page! I know, it's a little sneaky; and you may be a busy lady who needs to call in and shriek to several places of business today. It's not fair to you, but that's the way it goes sometimes.

Yes, that is the way it goes sometimes. It's unfortunate, but the limits of human endeavor, not to mention the constraints of physical laws on earth as we know them at this time in history, make it possible that there are things you want that you may not be able to instantly receive. We are sorry, sorry to hear children in the background of your call, for it is likely that you have procreated, and prolifically, if the noise level and pitch of the hungry, irritated sobbings are any indication.

We are mere cogs in a vast corporational system that seeks to stymie you at every turn. However, we are a small call center, so if you call back in with a fantastical lie -- oh, I mean a misunderstanding, a misinterpretation, entirely the fault of the CSR -- my neighbor likely took the call and regaled us all with your insane request.

We realize you have a choice, and are so fucking glad you chose us. If you have any questions, please feel free to contact us. Could you make it before 10 a.m. or after 7 p.m.? Because if I have to talk to you for one more minute, I will have to exact some sort of revenge, maybe on you or maybe on the fucked up society that spawned you. That would be great. Thanks ever so much for your patronage.

artifice

I colored my hair yesterday. I got sick of looking at the highlights. The new color was a little darker and redder than I expected; (it was called medium bronze brown on the box, the dirty liars) but it will calm down with time. It's not radical now, I bet most people won't notice. Then I'll get something else done after it washes out - 28 shampoos down the line. Keepin' it fresh.

I have been coloring my hair once or twice a year since I was about 16. I moved from auburns and russets to highlights in a short span of time. I spent part of one summer very blond then topped it with a Stoplight Red that was supposed to last a week or so. But bleached hair is extra porous, so it lasted a bit longer. When the red finally washed out, I had went to a salon to go brown again (corrective color is a bitch. the colorists were hovering around me, hemming and hawing for 3 hours). A few months after that, I went dark, dark brown.

I have been tempted to do an intense color -- blue was my favorite. With those, you usually have to use permanent dye to get big results. I haven't been able to make the jump, not sure if I actually want to. I know it will come as a surprise, but I must tell you I am not very punk rock.

Should I worry that it's not the 'real me'? I am not concerned. Everything we do is a choice, and everything we do is temporary. Hair grows. So enjoy what you do, and be superficial sometimes.

Edit: I keep changing this post. I might just delete it completely. It doesn't work.

I will think about this.

I had not thought of it this way.
http://oriflamme.blogspot.com/2006/03/god-of-war.html

Now we have admitted that since the war started, all kinds of terrorist organizations have begun to concentrate in Iraq with the goal of destroying the US presence there. And I think that was one of the considerations in going to war. Present a remote site where Islamic zealots could attack the US without actually attacking the US or putting American civilians in harms way.

What do you guys think?

Here's a link for ya

http://impeachthemotherfuckeralready.com/

It's based on Dan Savage's always sage advice: DTMFA, or Dump the Motherfucker Already.

Here's an example of a recent column (and the DTMFA philosophy) if you haven't read it before. I'm not sure why I enjoy advice columns so much. Maybe it says something profound and dark about me.

Margot Howard moved from Dear Prudence on Slate to her own column on Yahoo News; Emily Yoffe (who is also hilarious) is now Prudie.

Check it out!

Talented Doordolt made this graphic. It's perfect for the holiday and it looks just like Jerry.

WTF? I hate medical studies

Do you ever get an email about how some everyday substance is totally bad for you, and you know right away it's a total bullshit urban myth? Yeah and then you read ... Antiperspirant: Link to Breast Cancer?

Ok, new layout time.

Hate it? Too much white space? Any opinion whatsoever? It seems cheerful but not irritating. Please, share your lovely thoughts.

Is it possible for the internet to have a mood?

The internet has been moody lately, and I don't need any of that energy in my aura. Anyway, I'm going to put on that lotion that has a little bit of self-tanner, in a few days I will have an orangey glow. I might stick around for an hour after work is done tonight, just like I did last night, chatting. I will eat dozens of Tic Tacs, for they are minty and delicious.

Eureka

Well, eureka is not really the right word. Anyway, the turtles had sort of a breakthrough last night. Mary ate a grasshopper, Jerry was still watching pretty closely, but he didn't climb over her to eat all the bug legs in the area. She even climbed up on the basking dock to revel in the artificial sunlight for a minute. Then she flopped back into the water and hid in the tangle of plastic plants by the lighthouse. The fish said mah-mah-mah in the next room.

I'm so busy and important

This week I am taking care of many animals while Crapnasty and fam are in Texas. Two turtles (Jerry & Mary), and 3 goldfish (Larry, Gary and Junior Jerry), two tanks. It's quite harrowing. The turtles eat dried grasshoppers, so I have to touch dead bugs twice a day. Also, the grasshoppers don't smell great. The fish food doesn't either. The fish make weird faces at me. Jerry won't let Mary eat any of the bug husks, hopefully she is catching some of the little tiny fish in their tank (not Larry or Gary or Jr. Jerry, they have their own place). And Jerry seems to be attempting to make sweet turtle love to Mary, and she isn't having it. I don't want to get involved in their melodrama! It's not even clear if the genders of the turtles matches their names, so it's possibly a sort of women-in-prison scene going on, or gay cowturtles on the lonesome prairie. Or it's like watching a dull underwater soap opera, and the snail is going to shoot somebody or turn out to be Stefano DiMera.

The goldfish are in the boys room. They have a monkey-noise doorbell thingy, which I discovered when I brushed past it and almost had a heart attack. The fish are going mah-mah-mah at me, and an eerie cackle fills the room. Then I see the monkey doorbell. All is well.

What a swell party this is

I'm watching High Society (1956) right now. It's a musical adaptation of The Philadelphia Story (1940). Basically it's Bing Crosby, Frank Sinatra and Grace Kelly vs. Cary Grant, James Stewart and Katherine Hepburn. In both movies, the male leads have almost as much chemistry with each other as the girl they're both in love with.

I don't know if I'd seen High Society first, I might have liked it better or at least as well as Philadelphia Story. The songs are really cheesy, I couldn't believe Cole Porter wrote some of them! Sinatra is adorable, Bing Crosby does his 'bububub' thing. And Grace Kelly is beautiful, but she apes Hepburn's delivery just a little. Of course, in both, everything comes out in the end, in High Society with Louis Armstrong and his band and a jazzed up Wedding March.

Today's bit of blasphemy

http://muhammadandme.blogspot.com/

Anybody offended? Do tell.

Stupid in the morning

Do you ever have a dream where, if you wake up for a little bit, you start right back up when you go to sleep? Usually they are interesting and it's good to see what happens next, no matter how little of it you remember later. Not so much today. In the dream I was a bridesmaid, and I needed to find a good facial scrub so my skin wouldn't be ashy and dull. My mother drove me to a Target store that was half under construction, half Kafka's Castle. I didn't have any money. I faced interrogations from Health & Beauty employees. I needed to get things done to my hair and slip into a sorbet-colored dress in time for the ceremony. Every nine minutes my alarm went off, I hit snooze and fell back into the dream. It was not an interesting dreams.

I am fuzzy minded today. By jingo, I should be feeling simply swell. Plenty of sleep, a springy feel to the air, living in the greatest country in the whole damn world!

You know Voix de Michèle?

Voix de Michèle has a blogroll on the side, I keep meaning to read more of them but some days it's all I can do to keep up with the ones I already know. Today I clicked on Kine just because, and it is a wonderful blog. She has a link to this site, so if you work with me don't be surprised to see new decorations at your desk. Happy posters! I guess there's some political thing about them but they are also cute. I am feeling indifferent today.

Shhh.

The overhead lights are off. There's some sort of electrical problem. But everything else is working, we are bathed in the glows of computers and televisions and even some sunlight from the long narrow window. Everyone is being quieter, muffled by the darkness. And just as suddenly, it was over, the lights came on all over the world. I hear sounds of disappointment over the cubicle wall.

__________________
palisades.
[From French palissade, Latin palus (stake). Ultimately from Indo-European root pag- (to fasten) that is also the source of peace, pacify, pact, travel, compact, pagan, and peasant.]

All those words are related? That's crazy.
_______________________
I suggest you read this poem. Not that anybody I know or even myself personally might have a hangover, and I sure as hell am not doing yardwork.
http://www.slate.com/id/2120097/fr/nl/

About a year ago

I went to Colorado last March. I felt so peaceful and calm when I got back; the feeling lasted a long time. Here's an e-mail I sent to my mom upon my return:

On the way back, we sat in front of these cute kids. The little boy was maybe two and the mom was giving him some chewy candy so his ears would feel ok, I guess, and he was asking for them by color: "Peenk? Geen? Byoo? Moh. Moh!" And the girl was about four. At the end of the flight she started singing "I'm going to my home sweet home, yeah!"

While I was there I went to the Shambhala center and my friend in Ft Collins gave me a cranio-sacral therapy session. I'm wondering if there's anybody around here who does that type of bodywork, it was very cool. Seemed like a bunch of hooey, but it wasn't. I can't describe it.

Financial Information Security Savvy

Do you shred your bank statements? With a strip cut shredder? Heavens no! They can piece that back together, and then they'll know that you spent all that money at Radio Shack and Taco Bell and Cashwise Liquor, you fucking loser. Diamond cut shredder, with credit card shredder and pencil sharpener features. Then douse the shreddings in Tabasco sauce and used coffee grounds, then bring the garbage bag out seconds before the garbage truck arrives. Pre-approved credits card offers should be stir fried and coated in beer batter, and buried in the hobo cemetary under the full moon.

Wouldn't it be nice if we did

Let us face a pluralistic world in which there are no universal churches, no single remedy for all diseases, no one way to teach or write or sing, no magic diet, no world poets, and no chosen races, but only the wretched andwonderfully diversified human race. -Jacques Barzun, professor and writer (1907- )

thinking thinking thinking

No, that's not it. I'm definitely not into thinking a bunch. I have a copy of Cosmopolitan at my desk. The Shirtless Guy issue. I'm watching Miss Congeniality 2: Armed and Fabulous. Life is, if not good, adequate. I've been thinking about taking up my Days of our Lives habit again after reading Honey Bunny's post on same. My brain is melting and I love it.

The thing about Cosmo, hmm, there are lots of things about Cosmopolitan. It has its own universe. There's a very informative article about the dangers of drinking games that I may summarize for pedagogical purposes later. There are also many bare-torsoed men; does that require any further elucidation? See, I am getting dumber by the second. I am using dumb words. Dumb in the sense of mute and meaningless! I am going to play some stupid computer game until my eyes bleed! Good day!

not too bad considering it's free

I haven't been online (except to file my taxes) since Tuesday. It was kind of cool to be offline for a bit. Did I miss anything?

My parents have some sort of free dial up that allows them ten hours a month, but it drops constantly. So I had to like, read the newspaper and talk to people.

The tax thing pissed me off. I ended up doing my MN taxes three times because TurboTax wanted me to pay for it when I used the free IRS page link. So I deleted the MN so it would let me file the federal. Fine, whatever, I did the paper form. Then I went to do the MN tax site to find the property tax rebate form. Guess what I found on their main page? If you go through their stupid link it's free online state filing. Same stupid program, just a different stupid link. So for the third time I did the stupid taxes. At least they came out the same each time. And at least it was free.

Who shops online? Anybody? Anybody?

I don't buy a lot online, but when I do, I go through MyPoints.com. That's right folks, MyPoints.com is the fast, easy way to earn points by viewing ads and shopping online through links in their website. You can trade the points for gift certificates to normal places, like chain restaurants (you know you love 'em) and the Gap and Old Navy and Barnes & Noble, just to name my personal favorites. It slices, it dices, it juliennes and does your taxes. E-mail me at somethingdirty at gmail and I'll send you a referral, or you can go straight there.

I don't get any spam from this program but I do get ads. The difference is I've asked to see them and they're actually for stuff I want. Like I might switch ISPs, might even go dial-up, and if I do I'll use PeoplePC. Saw it in a MyPoints ad. If you shop a lot online you could earn a lot of gift certificates, and you can still use other discounts on the site. Just make sure to click on the MyPoints link. Ok, I'm done shilling for now. If you are a bargain hunter, check it out.

Sunday is a good day

-Someone down the hall is baking cookies, it smells nice.
-I am watching Extreme Engineering on the Discovery channel. Some Swedish guys are building an apartment high-rise. Before this I was watching The Blasters, they were blowing up an apartment building in Charlotte. It's the circle of life, people!
-I love reading the Sunday paper. Reading online is not the same.
-I've been reading grouphug every couple of days since Doordolt told me about it. It's only amusing if one presumes 90% of them are fake, otherwise it's depressing as hell.

I am not always

I am not always the type of person who likes other people around me much, they are often the source of various loud noises and they make me want to go away. Today is just a smidgen worse. I might be getting a cold and perhaps my ears are hurting, or maybe, just maybe, everybody needs to shut the hell up. If people can hear your shrill, cawing cackle from across the office, maybe you should tone it down to a dull squeal. But I'm not fooled. I know you are doing it on purpose.

Maybe you don't know that it makes me, specifically me, nauseous and twitchy, but you know this is an unreasonable laugh, and any discerning listener can tell it is not born of joy or merriment but of something darker and more menacing. These are the people who chew, enthusiastically, on stinky food while talking, inches away from one's face.

The worst people in my daily life are just really annoying or a bit toxic, and my strategy is to avoid them or keep my distance if interaction is required. I wonder if I find today's braying more repellant than usual, because the Cubicle Neighbor from Heck isn't around this week, and my defenses are weak from lack of use.

I'll be at my desk, counting toothpicks and writing all the prime numbers up to 1,000,001. (That is prime, yes? I want to do this right. I suppose I could Google it, but that's not really in the spirit of the thing.)

I love my new sweatshirt, and pink the color, pink the person ... things that are awesome!

I'm totally awesome in my Dunder Mifflin hoodie from the fine people at Shirtheadz. Here's what my shirt looks like except my shirt is a blue hoodie, not a blue t-shirt, but the design is the same so you get the general idea. And Dunder Mifflin is not a real company, it is the company that the people on The Office work at, except for Bob Vance who owns Vance Refrigeration, plus there's that girl who sold the purses, and there are various other ancillary characters, like the booze cruise captain.

But there aren't any episodes on til March 2nd because of the dumb Olympics. Not that my world revolves around television, it's just that every two years the Olympics kills my tv watching schedule and it makes me realize how much my world revolves around television and I hate the Olympics for that.

Another disappointed surfer

I was looking at the Bravenet stats as I do every week or so (you can do it too!). The "referrers" section is my personal favorite, sometimes you find gems like this:

Referring URL: http://search.msn.com/results.aspx?q= COUPLS SEX&FORM=QBRE
It's a search for 'coupls sex'. It's mostly group stuff here, so you wouldn't think...

Jerry was at the bottom of the first page! It was this post and then this one that have the desired search terms. I never noticed I spelled 'couple' as 'coupls'. My bad.

Lookit the baby

She looks a little goofy in this picture. She's not that goofy looking in person.

Babies are amazing. This one is about four weeks old. She lifts her head a bit, smiles, makes all sorts of faces including sticking out her tongue.

Her eyes don't quite focus, so everything must look very cool. When her father blew raspberries on her neck, her tiny arms and legs would shoot out each time, shocked and ticklish.

Her mom said she already watches too much tv, they feel they have to turn off the big screen because she looks so damn enraptured.

The Elements of Spam

Good times. Click on the post title to read the link.

Satan's pedicure

I am disappointed the sparkles in the blue nail polish don't show in the picture. I showed a friend this pic while it was on the camera, she said it just looks like his toes are cyanotic, which I think means blue from lack of oxygen. Hmm.

Anyways, does anybody have a better headline? "man breaks off foot in tv repairman's ass" or something like that

a new twist on those 419 scam e-mails.

We've all gotten the e-mail from some guy who needs to get his money out of his country, usually Nigeria or something, and he needs your help to do it, just give him your bank account number and he'll pay you really well, too. Here's the Wikipedia article on these scams that I just read. Now the English banks are getting into the biz! It's exciting to see, but I could wish the English bank executive wrote with a better command of his mother tongue. Maybe this one has been around for the while, I just felt like reading spam today for some reason.

Here it is, for your reading delectation.

FOR YOUR KIND ATTENTION


For Your Kind Attention,
I am a top executive in one of the leading banks in London.

I am writing to seek your cooperation over this business . In my department, I discovered an unclaimed sum of GBP15,500,000 (Fifteen Million, Five Hundred Thousand British Pounds) only, in an account that belongs to one of our foreign customers who died along with his entire family in a plane crash that took place in Kenya, East Africa. The late Dr. George Brumley, a citizen of Atlanta, United States of America but resident here in London, United Kingdom, until his death was my personal physician. See weblink (redacted).

Since we got information about his death, we have been expecting his "Next of Kin" to come over and claim his money because it cannot be released unless somebody applies for it as next of kin or relation to the deceased as indicated in our banking guidelines but unfortunately, all his supposed next of kin or relation died alongside with him in the plane crash having nobody behind to claim the money.

The banking law and guideline here stipulates that if such money remained unclaimed after four years, the money will be transferred into the Bank Treasury as unclaimed fund. The request for your assistance and maximum co-operation as a foreign citizen to stand as the Next of Kin in this business is occasioned by the fact that the deceased customer was a foreigner. Therefore, your utmost confidentiality in this deal is required.

If this interests you, kindly forward your tel, fax and email address to me for the way forward as regards the consumation of this deal.

Await your immediate response.

Sincerely Yours,
Mr. Graham Beale

Creepy Kansas Law // More like a cute overdose

http://www.slate.com/id/2135328/

What is wrong with these people? If your mission is so holy why do you have to be so underhanded? Also, any grown man this obsessed with the sex lives of teenagers needs to be watched closely.

Dahlia Lithwick says it best:

At one level, one almost wishes Kline would prevail in this case, if only to have his offices inundated with tens of thousands of reports that Steve frenched Stacy on the band trip to Topeka.

Also in Slate:

Puppy mules: During a recent DEA raid in Colombia, authorities discovered that a veterinarian had surgically implanted packets of liquid heroin into several puppies, mostly Labrador retrievers. The cartel, which also uses human mules, hid a total of three kilos of heroin in six puppies. After the drugs were removed, three puppies died from infection. Another three have been adopted by the Colombian police.

Monkey-ing around! Hahahahahahahhahah.

I would have typed "LOL" but that would be a lie. Not even "LQTM".
http://www.careerbuilder.com/monk-e-mail/default.aspx?siteid=superbowl06

Make a talking monkey card! And send it to me! Or somebody else.

Last Friday, I got a haircut.

I put my hair, and indeed my fate, in Alyssa's hands. She was very excited by my vague idea of 'shorter, with more layers', and gave me lots of suggestions. She asked me several times "Don't freak out on me, ok? It's a big change, ok?" while she was still cutting away. She nearly hopped with glee. Then she used a lot of different products! Then she scrunched my hair! And dried it with a diffuser! It was all a blur!

Then she let me put on my glasses again. I didn't freak out, I'm proud to say. Going curly made it look even shorter. Then she gave me a card for a discount on color. So... that's next. I want tiger stripes, I think.

The old hair; with JB at Legends.
Somebody got a new haircut! Somebody got a new camera! Not the greatest picture of me, but fresh from the salon. Does anybody know how I can keep my glasses from sliding down my nose like that?
Here's a better picture, the straight/wavy version. Ok, not so much. But it looks cool, huh?
Here's the other picture, a side view.

Here's what bothers me about the Oprah/Frey thing.

Here's what bugs me:
Oprah's people do shitty research. They've been taken in before. And the verisimilitude of Frey's book was questioned back in 2003, in the Star Tribune.

So I finally watched the one where Oprah rakes Frey over the coals. Thank goodness for DVR! It was pretty good. She cares about truth, dammit. Then she had all these staid journalist types on who were close to wetting themselves from the excitement of being on her show. This journalism professor kept trying to get a laugh; it made me sad.

Then I watched another episode of Oprah, this one featuring Anderson Cooper and Lisa Ling; that was sadder than the unfunny professor, because of the poor babies and gang members. Then I watched Dr. Phil, an episode about compulsive hoarders. Then I threw a bunch of shit away, because I started to worry that I was compulsively hoarding the shit. So it had to go.

Oprah v. Dr. Phil.
Oprah is mostly awesome, but just a dash evil. The power of Oprah compels you!
Dr. Phil is mostly full of shit, but he has some good ideas. You need to go to his website and check out the upcoming topics. You could be on the TV! That would be awesome. The one I saw last night is gone. Was it all a wonderfull dream? It said, "Do you know a bitch?" Oh, boy! Do I ever!

Linkuesday

In which I copy Mental Fiber's practice of putting up lots of links on Tuesday.

Yesterday I deleted all the Favorites I had set up on IE at work, e-mailed myself the good ones. Today I'm cleaning out the My Pictures folder, so maybe tomorrow I'll have some pics up.

ABH's Litany of Rejection

How to do an intervention

An excellent waste of time. Arty, kind of trippy.

Reason.

Double Tongued Word Wrester. Need I say more? Possibly.

And, last, a poem: Expectations that could not be denied on this of all days were denied...

How biased are you?

https://implicit.harvard.edu/implicit/demo/index.jsp

I found this test on Slate, in an article by Jay Dixit. My result was 'slightly biased', which I'm not proud of, but I'm not surprised by it. I think we all are, a bit. It would take an unusual upbringing (hopefully it becomes a more common upbringing) to avoid it.

It's an interesting idea, because it's supposed to measure your unconcious associations, and it's almost impossible to fool the test. (The Slate article give a coupls of examples, applications and potential abuses.) An important point is that a person who has biases may not act on them (or speak them, or admit it to themselves), and if they don't, should we hold it against them?

It's good to know "What's your Stripper Song?" (I think mine was the Requiem Mass), but this test was cool too.

Do you ever click on the bravenet stats button?

On the bottom of this page, ya know? I do once or twice a week. It shows the last ten referring websites. The search ones are my favorite. Two examples, one dull, one funny: Google search for 'topics for blogging', JTT was #10 or 11 at that time. Today I saw a hit for this morning, an MSN search for 'dirty turtle pics'. We were number one people. That poor websurfer must have been so disappointed. There was another one I saw, I can't remember what it was. On MSN, my profile was the second thing on the list when I did a search for 'something dirty'. I'm so proud. The other results were simply too vulgar for words. Check 'em out.

Space Aliens, people. It's going to be super cool. Or if it's not we'll go to Pesty's or O'Hara's after a while as usual. Or, horrors, downtown? Rumrunners, DB's, McRudy's, the Press, MC's. No.

Don't worry (if you worry, which I doubt), I am also doing fun stuff on my day off. Why, I might even get my car's oil changed.

If I were you I'd just read the first four paragraphs. If that much. The rest is dull, and a dash narcissistic.

Just for fun, check out the Past Life Generator. I was a detective and a gossip! Good times.

Bear with me, this isn't my best time of day. I can't get back to sleep. How will that color the rest of the day? It's an exciting journey through crankiness, hyperactivity, unintelligible rambling, my patented Thousand Yard Stare (TM), now with Feigned Deafness! At least I'm getting some frigging sunlight. It's lovely.

Anyway, there's nothing like a birthday to make you realize how much crap you've signed up for online, how many companies you've given your birthdate. It's usually required for sweepstakes and often for site registrations.

So far this month I've gotten e-mail greetings from Dairy Queen's Blizzard Club (what the hell? I don't even like Blizzards, why did I sign up?), Pepsi, Astrology.com (go figure, they sent it a week early), and some other places. Nothing from Pall Mall? Have they forgotten me? What about the booze sites? I know you have my DOB, Bacardi, don't even lie.

Speaking of Astrology.com, have you ever found your horoscope to be sort of eerily accurate? I don't mean the daily newspaper blurbs, I'm talking about the personalized description type things. In high school, my friends & I spent a lot of time poring over The Birthday Book, which gives all the signs, rising, which moon whatever is in, for each day of the year. I tried to find it on Amazon, but couldn't sort out which one it was. We read Grendel in English class senior year, in which each chapter corresponds to a sign. It became a little hobby for us. Do I, strictly speaking, believe in astrology? Nah. But it seems to contain certain archetypal truths.

And there's the small thrill of recognizing yourself in the description of someone/something that doesn't know you: "...Thus, Jaime, you tend to look at the broad canvas, the political, social, or group context of any problem or situation. ...While you are very much attuned to whatever group you identify yourself with, you are also very independent minded and this dichotomy between the freedom of the individual and the needs of the group can be the source of ongoing tension in your life." Which is a very nice way of saying I can't make up my mind.

Here are a bunch of horoscopes for today from Yahoo (and no, I don't think anyone is still reading, this is for me):
Daily Aquarius Forecast
Quickie: Organize groups of people by their shared backgrounds, not their shared strengths.
Overview: Are you really going to delegate some of your tasks and responsibilities? Sure, you say that you're going to do it, but instead you keep piling your plate high. It's time to put your money where your mouth is.
Oh, yeah all of my onerous responsibilities. Gotta delegate.

Daily work (by Astrology.com)Your network will be a tremendous asset for you. Out of all of those connections, at least one will have the key to solving the current crisis, and it won't take as long as you fear to find it. -

Daily flirt (by Astrology.com)People still can't stay away from your generosity and kindness as the day begins, but you're not required to be the life of the party all day long. Tonight, you're excused for some quiet, chilling out time, if needed. -
See, that makes me want to live up to it, to actually be generous & kind. Don't they know I have tasks & responsibilities to delegate?
Daily extended (by Astrology.com)Someone has been paying some very careful attention to you for a while now -- from afar. They've made a mental list of everything about you, from your favorite movies to your favorite kind of ice cream. Anyone who's put this much energy into getting to know you would obviously make quite an attentive lover. Think of them as a secret admirer. The good news is that they're ready to tell you all about it. Are you ready to hear it? -

Eww + Wildly inaccurate = perfect horoscope. C'est la vie, it's not an exact non-science.


And some more horoscope stuff:

Section 1: The Inner You: Your Real Motivation
You are a freedom-loving, strong-willed, and independent-minded individual, and you insist upon living your own life as you see fit, even if that means ignoring convention and tradition. In personal relationships you cannot be owned or possessed, and while you are willing to share yourself with another, you do not always adjust easily to the emotional give and take of a close relationship. Though intellectually open, you can be enormously stubborn, opinionated, and inflexible on a one-to-one level. You have strong convictions and feelings about fairness and equality, and you try to live by your ideals, but your ideals about how people SHOULD treat one another don't always take into account human weaknesses, differences, and needs. You probably dislike sentimentality and traditional gender roles and "games".
Section 2: Mental Interests and Abilities
Clear, objective, and realistic, you are unimpressed by exaggerated claims or promises. You insist upon being shown facts to back up any statement you hear, and your natural skepticism often borders on cynicism. You approach problems clearly and rationally and maintain your poise and objectivity even in the midst of critical situations. Anyone seeking your advice is certain to get an unemotional and unbiased assessment of their situation, and you therefore make a good arbitrator or judge. You are thorough, conscientious, and disciplined in your thinking, and have an aptitude for business, organization, and administration. You are also a good strategist, and will plan and patiently follow a realistic course which will lead to your eventual success. Serious-minded and studious, you enjoy quiet time alone for thinking or reading.

If only I had more time, I would make Elliot a helmet from a small gourd perhaps.

Here's a link to a link! Make a noble cat helmet!

Tales

"Those who'll play with cats must expect to be scratched." -- Miguel de Cervantes

This picture is from the last time I fed & watered Elliot while A was out of town. Ell taught me how to hustle pool. We shook down these two guys and a chick at Benton Station. We left just in time, and I don't think we're welcome back.

Catwatch Day Two: The Clawing

Ok, it was really the third day, and I didn't blog about the first two. Whatever! The cat, Elliot, was actually glad to see me today. He was waiting by the door, which is normal, but he seemed, I don't know, less angry that it was me than usual. He was so starved for attention, he even let me pet him for nearly five minutes before starting to bite. He doesn't seem to have eaten much, perhaps his owner radically overfilled the bowl because he thought I might space out on it? Well, I didn't. After CN reminded me, I was so there. A, you might want to check when you get back, Elliot had that guilty-cat look about him. He might have pooped in your room, or maybe ordered The Amityville Horror eleven times on pay per view . You can never tell with cats. Also, he was probably the one who set that fire and rummaged through the hall closet. The smoke damage was minimal, nothing to get all upset about or sue. I'll say this about that cat: he can throw a kickass party. That's cool, right? I know, the old joke about throwing a party at A's place, yada yada yada... but those Hell's Angels weren't joking about leaving the meth lab alone, ok? No touchy. Sometimes it happens, you (meaning the cat) invite a few people over, they tell a few other people, so on & so forth, all of a sudden you (meaning the cat) owe $20,000 to the Stearns County Mafia, and then the cops are all like, 'Oh, you're contributing to the delinquency of a minor'? That is such bullshit. And Elliot probably got that fat lip in a fistfight with St. Cloud superman, but neither of them would talk about it much, so, you know.

Dancing with the stars

Lisa Rinna is ishy. She just made this sort of cat motion, and with her bloated lips she looked like Adam's cat, the heretofore inimitable Elliot.

Job listings

What are some things I am qualified for?
In Fargo, Kelly services is looking for a Mis Manager. I could totally do that.
A company called Volt is seeking ≪Hl≫Navision Consultant≪/Hl≫. I'm probably not qualified.
EXCITING! Get PAID $10-$40/Hour To SHOP Undercover In Your CITY! YES! Perfect. I'd be like a PI, a female Sam Marlowe, but for shopping.

Nope, I'm probably not moving to Fargo in spite of all the opportunities it affords a young go-getter such as myself. Once ABH leaves for Sacramento, it's pretty much gonna be a ghost town. Except for like, Brady, and my family and stuff. But the Family Dollar store in Laramie, WY is looking for a manager. Am I management material?

Jerry the Turtle: Super Secret Edition

We're doing that "good impression" crap at work again: no surfing the internet, no reading at your desk, no crafting, no juggling bowling pins, had to take the mini bar home, etc. Our 'supervisor' suggested we make signs to show we're on break, so we can check our email during lunch or whatever without arousing suspicion and ire. We wouldn't want the buyers to think that January is a slow time for us, and we've lost 40-50% of our call volume. Because they wouldn't know that. And if they do figure it out, some of us may be laid off sooner. If they do it, I hope they take volunteers.

Can't write much longer. They may be watching right now! If anyone wants to e-mail me, that would be simply lovely. somethingdirty at gmail. I will check surreptitiously throughout the day! Vive la resistance!

The sign is gone

The building is being made over in the image of its new owner.
I used to be able to see the big sign outside from my balcony. I had to lean over the railing a little bit, but I could see it.
(does anyone think I should put up one of JK's pics?)

I was in my room last night, and I heard some noise from downstairs.

I can hear the downstairs neighbor's bathroom quite well. Lucky me. I can hear them peeing, running the faucet... the bathroom fan makes the floor rumble & sounds like a muffled lawnmower.

This was a different noise. I thought it was a tv; if it was loud enough, I theorized, as I put on some lotion, the sound could travel from the bedroom to the bathroom, and through the vents or however. It sounded like fighting; I thought it would suck if that wasn't the tv. It wasn't the tv.

It was a man shouting and a woman sobbing, a few slamming doors. What did I do? Tell me what I should have done. I didn't hear anything that sounded like physical violence, it could have been a normal fight, it could have been. After a just a couple of minutes, I heard the last door slam, then silence. Then the shower ran, then silence. So I did not call the police. I have been going back and forth: was this the reasonable or wimp-ass thing to do?

If it happens again, I will call. I will keep an ear open, so to speak.

Was it reluctance, was it fear, was it at least a little bit the possibility that nothing was seriously wrong? Yep yep yep.

So sleepy

Ok, this guy next to me is playing Enya at his fucking desk. Then the girl down the aisle says, "Hey, is that Enya? Turn it up!" Now four or five people are blissing out in a musical paradise. And I took my knitting needles home {I swear, I did well in school, but I'll never learn to knit}, so what can I use to stab myself in the ears?

A lot of people like Enya, that's ok with me. I don't have a need to condemn people for liking music that I don't. And perhaps in certain moods I could tolerate it. However, I come up against the same obstacle again and again. It's too fucking soothing.

Small blessings for today:
-desk neighbor isn't singing
-he didn't bring his guitar
-he isn't talking to me.

Hey, if he read this blog, I bet he'd never talk to me.

any ways, back to my hiatus, I still hate the sight of my own words. Ooh, that reminds me: check out http://everybodysucksbutme.blogspot.com/ . It's fake, half the posts aren't even mine. I just searched through other blogs and copied and pasted and added a few things here & there. It fills me with shameful pride or prideful shame, but who can tell the difference anymore. I'm keeping it because I can't believe that url was still available.

Also, it's Friday the 13th. I have a sense of waiting for the other shoe to drop (that's a weird expression isn't it).

nap time

I'm going to take a little break from blogging, maybe a week or so. I will probably still be around commenting and stuff. And of course, talking shit about all y'all on my super secret website.

Create new post. Edit posts. Moderate comments. Status.

I hate to disappoint, but there will be very little in the way of fetish discussion in this post. Do what you like in the comments, however.

I had a dream last night about a new apartment. I don't think I was moving in alone, but I don't know who the roommates were. It was hot and stuffy in the apartment. A man said it was cool out, and "If you can get the air moving in here" it would be better. I opened the door to the balcony, it was cool out. It was summer, this coolness was what the weather guy would call "good sleeping weather." But the balcony wasn't there. There was a ledge, a wide one you could crawl or stand on. I could see other apartments, they had their balconies. I could see bolts or something where my deck should have been! I wondered, do we not get a deck? How could I have missed this? Will we get one later? It was a nice ledge though.

Topics for blogging

I have had a few ideas for blogging today. Topic ideas: What I hate about the New Year. Why don't people in St. Cloud use their turn signals. Things I think about when I should be sleeping. My new hobby. Rich people suck. People are dumb. What is wrong with me (a semi-comprehensive list). The last book I read. Cuteness.

CuteOverload has a link to a NY Times article on, guess what, The Cuteness Factor. "The rapidity and promiscuity of the cute response makes the impulse suspect." Later on in the article, "...cute images stimulate the same pleasure centers of the brain aroused by sex, a good meal or psychoactive drugs like cocaine, which could explain why everybody in the panda house wore a big grin."

Please give me topics to blog about. I am sick of my ideas.

My car has a snow-hawk!

Like a mohawk, but on a car and made of snow.

I drove to Fargo on Friday night. I drove back on Monday night. I drove back to Fargo Wednesday afternoon. I drove to St. Cloud on Thursday afternoon.

Friday it was foggy and the familiar curves and dips of I-94 were disguised. The dark was intense, the fog 3-D against the flat black. It was somewhere between Alex and Fergus, when something seemd weird. It was merely dark. A few seconds later my car and I disappeared into another wall of fog.

On Wednesday night I met R, S, & J at Paradiso. Then we went to the Town Hall. Drinks were cheap, so I magnanimously bought a round. After J left to go to his job, the guys at the next table interviewed us on our ice fishing habits and used the rankest sophistry to try to induce us to play pool. We were far too wise for them.

The next day my dad told me some guy he works with was beaten with a tire iron outside of the Town Hall bar a while ago.

I had to split this into two posts. It's very long.

I came to work last night to visit. I missed E. And the gentlemen who sit over yonder: I hadn't heard any references to 'gay chicken', creative euphemisms for excretory functions, etc, in a couple of days.

There are a lot of balloons at my desk.

On the trip home yesterday, it was stormy up through Albany or so. Then it stopped snowing, even, and it was like the fog-moment of a few days ago; it took a few seconds to realize what was different. I like driving in bad weather every once in a while.

I'm going

up to Fargo to see some people I've known for a long, long time. It will be fun.

HGTV

I watched a lot of HGTV this weekend. I guess that's how we celebrate Christmas. HGTV is, well, I don't know. Some of the shows follow a certain formula, trying to build suspense about things that are fundamentally only mildly interesting. Which huge fucking house in the stupid-expensive suburb will the yuppies buy? Will a different set of yuppies be able to auction off their family heirlooms for enough money to pay for new wallpaper in their dining room? I watched this stuff for a couple of hours between eating and napping.

Christopher Hitchens is awesome

I love Christopher Hitchens. Have I mentioned that? Did you see him on the Daily Show a few months ago? Or on Penn & Teller Bullshit, chewing Mother Theresa a new one? And the time is ripe for another installment of Writers Whose Writing I Enjoy Very Much. I don't agree with him 50-70% of the time, but how often do you get to hear from an atheist/conservative? Here, as a Christmas treat, I present an excerpt and a link to his column on Slate.

See ya later, alligators.

"This was a useful demonstration of what I have always hated about the month of December: the atmosphere of a one-party state. On all media and in all newspapers, endless invocations of the same repetitive theme. In all public places, from train stations to department stores, an insistent din of identical propaganda and identical music. The collectivization of gaiety and the compulsory infliction of joy. Time wasted on foolishness at one's children's schools. Vapid ecumenical messages from the president, who has more pressing things to do and who is constitutionally required to avoid any religious endorsements."

Cheery Mishmash, everybody!

Unless you are not the Christmas type, for whatever reason, then just have a lovely weekend. Sometimes I just want to stay home and have pizza on Christmas. But my mom would tweak.

Ignore the following advice. Who the hell do I think I am? I'm not going to do any of these things.

Eat something good. Don't eat things you don't like; if someone makes you feel guilty about not eating their holiday specialty, invite them to bite you. Hopefully they will not take you up on it, but will take the message in the spirit intended. Life is too finite to eat cookies that taste like crap and baking soda.

Practice calmness and forbearance and reflection when you see kids throwing tantrums in the stores. It must be hard to be a kid this time of year, hauled all over town shopping, visiting dumb relatives, having advertising for everything in the whole world shoved at you constantly, not being able to process it. It's no wonder they freak out every so often. And avoid getting pissed off at the parents not understanding, fer instance, that a 3 year old out at 9 p.m. on a Tuesday, surrounded by loud people and toys they cannot have, might be easily upset. Does it really get you anywhere? No, it does not.

Don't buy anything for a few days or a week. Even groceries, if you can make it on what you have on hand.

Flip off Santa at the mall, but make sure no one else notices but you and Santa. Asshole never brings me what want.

THIS Is ThE BEST Website ever

http://www.cuteoverload.com/

It has pictures of a lot of cute things, mostly baby animals, which are the cutest thing ever, right? Unfortunately 'overload' is an apt description and I think I've fallen victim to a cuteness overdose and I may be very cranky, borderline evil for the rest of the day.

I don't hear phrases like 'breathtaking inanity' used often enough in reports on current events.

News article on a ruling about intelligent design. Unconstitutional for some reason. Students are told evolution is only a theory and other ideas--why, how about intelligent design? -- should be considered. Wasn't the word 'theory' already being taught, maybe other basic terms?

Also, this "war against Christmas" crap... got an e-mail from my mom today (of course a forward), with a picture of a Christmas tree, explaining that it wasn't a Hanukkah bush or, my favorite, "an Allah plant" (wouldn't it be an Eid Evergreen?). Is this really a problem? Jon Stewart said it right. Saying "Happy Holidays" isn't an attack on Christianity. It's a timesaver.

Hey, when God's judgement rains down on us like so much ... rain, do you prefer cataclysm (not evenly distributed) or apocalypse (get it over with)?

Reading plans

I'm scrapping my reading plan. Screw it. I have been reading some books I got at Goodwill this summer. The Death of Vishnu by Manil Suri. A Sideways Look at Time by Jay Griffiths. Right now the time book is just annoying. Vishnu is still dying, his horse just showed up.

JJ's last day.

The desk between CN and me will be empty. Another one bites the dust. We will brave on. Power through. Et cetera.

Il neige.

Last night, when I cleaned off my car, I noticed that this snow is perfect for snowballs, snow persons, and forts. It has a foolish consistency, a little sticky, pellety, crunchy and somehow a little fluffy. I wished there were people around with whom to frolic. But it was 1 a.m. When I got inside my apartment, I could hear someone screaming outside, but I felt too shy to go out and ask for their help building a snowman. With a corncob pipe (or a cigar) and a button nose (I only have baby carrots in the fridge) and two eyes made out of coal (I might have charcoal somewhere). Then it would come to life. Terrifying. And such a responsibility. Mea culpa, dear snowthing.

I haven't looked on my balcony lately. I wonder how much snow has accumulated there. If it's a lot, I could play quietly there. I've always wanted to make a Calvin & Hobbes-style snowman, like in the strips awesome Rhonda sent me the other day.

After work, I babysat CN's kids for a couple of hours. Well, not really, they were asleep the whole time. I thought about waking them up so we could hang out. But instead I just laid on the couch, and read Blogagaard's book and watched TV.

Ooh, did anyone watch Carson Daly last night? Yeah. His guest was Jennifer Love Hewitt. His ex. He seemed genuinely nervous. It was, if not great tv, interesting tv. His show was less sucktastic than usual.

Let's learn about turtles and Scandinavians

Dictionary.com's Word of the Day for Tuesday December 13, 2005

carapace \KAIR-uh-pace\, noun: 1. The thick shell that covers the back of the turtle, the crab, and other animals. 2. Something likened to a shell that serves to protect or isolate from external influence.


Merriam-Webster's Word of the Day for December 13
glogg \GLUG\ noun
: a hot spiced wine and liquor punch served in Scandinavian countries as a Christmas drink

Why did we always have lutefisk on Christmas Eve, and not glogg? I would like to try some glogg. Has anyone out there had the privilege?

Crapnasty: Student

Crapnasty starts school next month. I am super excited for her, and jealous. I've thought about going back to school, but it gives me the creeping willies. My plan is to go back someday.

Anyway, CN has her student ID, and the picture is really good. She got all her classes, but she doesn't have her books yet. I think she should get those cool Lisa Frank folders with the freaky looking kittens, but I doubt she'll agree. She is tolerant but not encouraging of my blogging about her new adventure. Does anyone have advice for our friend embarking on her new student career? Note well, she didn't actually ask for this advice, so don't worry about your advice being taken. My advice: Watch out for upperclassmen. They like freshman girls because "they don't know any better." Like that guy, you know, your husband? I think he digs you.

Nightlife in the big city

Long post, I know. Just skim it, I don't care.

1.)Downtown bars. DB Searles, the Rox, the Red Carpet. A lot of options within walking distance of each other, but you can't park downtown after 2 am or something like that. Widest variety of live music options. It's really close to campus; obnoxiously busy sometimes. Cops everywhere at bar close - I'm just sayin'.

2.) Hick bars & quasi-hick bars. The Shitty Limits, the Hitchin' Post (currently known as Dusty's), Benton Station, Pesty's, various Legions, VFWs and Lodges. Cheap drinks. Interesting crowd. Might get to see a fight or a karaoke contest. Atmosphere can be enjoyed ironically, or once you get drunk, patriotically in the AmLeg or VFW.

3.) Non-downtown, non hick bars.

a. Chains. Friday's, Applebee's, Ground Round, Granite City, Space Aliens. Dullsville, squaresville. Not impressive to blogfriends. Great for appetizers, but drinks are relatively expensive.

b. Not chains. O'Hara's, Jimmy's Pourhouse, Bear Creek. Varieties of entertainment. Get to support local businesses. Uneven service.

4.) Bowling alleys, pool halls. Vilo's, those other places. People expect you to bowl or whatever. Bad lighting, which may be a plus.

5.) Non bars

a.) Restaurants including: Perkins, McMillan's. Open all the time, but high in saturated fat and cholesterol. Delicious cholesterol. Risk being seated next to various loud, drunk types, or what's worse, old people.

b.) Coffee shops. Java Joint, Meeting Grounds. Moody teenagers all over the place. Feel out of place without tattoos and piercings. Or the opposite problem: infestations of yuppies.

c.) Somebody's house or apartment, or better yet, somebody's garage! Pros & cons depends on the place. Garages are a little creepy, let's face it. Oas has a pool table in the basement, & a big screen HDTV, but a psycho cat is waiting... lurking ...thirsty for your blood. My living room has 1 comfortable chair, and a blurry 27 inch screen tv; I have no pets, and I don't keep a lot of booze on hand. Anymore. Yet, I enjoy the space. As for Rainbow's, your own taste will dictate if this is a pro or con, but he has a small penis sculpture near the fireplace. His cats are cute and friendly. There's usually a good mix of people at his soirees.

d.) Break into a closed library, pet store or greeting card store. Haven't tried this yet, may have an update on Monday.

Anything I've missed or suggestions for new places to try?

Dispatch from Baghdad

From Slate: ""I've always respected John Murtha as a patriot and a friend of the military," said first-grader Abdul Zeki. "So I was somewhat surprised that he has taken the Jane Fonda position on the war." ...
But the debate soon subsided as the adorable children divided up for a game of peshmurga vs. Baathist dead-enders. By staying the course, the peshmurga eventually won."

Anywhere But Here

I went to high school with this guy. Interesting. Good artist. Still, a terrible speller. Isn't it funny how you don't see people for a long time, then you hear about them...? Well, I don't know, it's just weird.

In other non-news,
I thought Rainbow & CN would appreciate this article on Slate.com, which descibes the BEP song "My Hump" as "so bad as to veer toward evil."

Procrastination Station

I'm told that panda-watching beats doing homework. It sounds true to me. Sadly, I can't see the pandas on this computer. You should look at the pandas. There's a photo gallery if they aren't doing anything exciting when you go.

Animal Planet Panda Live Cam

Hot gossip about Nick & Jessica

Insiders reveal the secret tragedy after the breakup: Jessica wasted away and died! And Lucas was thrilled to hear it, but who wasn't? Nick isn't doing that great either, he's kind of a celery green color.

Oh, crackers.

I went to TGI Friday's twice this weekend. What does this say about me as a person? It says that I like the Jack Daniels barbecue sauce. Yes, it does. On Friday night, Whackly actually came out with us. He had a drink! No, two drinks! I think he was in a good mood because he'd left his friend to die in the cold, or something.

Saturday I went to the big show, Lit 6 at Creative Electric. Well, I got there before the very end. I made a wrong turn at Albuquerque, as the wascally wabbit used to say. It was good. Psycho Suzy's was good. All you people are pretty much like you are, you know? Cheap beer is good, tater tots are good.

I was supposed to go to a party in St. C Saturday night, but I was too damned tired when I got home. I planned to go to the Harry Potter movie Sunday night, but I was too damned tired after going out for dinner. Today, my internet connection is slow as hell, so I'm going back to my book. I'm tired as hell, but it's good.

Well, I don't know about all y'all.

But I'm in a much better mood today. But my computer is slow here at work. Check out these adorable animal pictures Crapnasty showed me. They are from MSN.