My car has a snow-hawk!

Like a mohawk, but on a car and made of snow.

I drove to Fargo on Friday night. I drove back on Monday night. I drove back to Fargo Wednesday afternoon. I drove to St. Cloud on Thursday afternoon.

Friday it was foggy and the familiar curves and dips of I-94 were disguised. The dark was intense, the fog 3-D against the flat black. It was somewhere between Alex and Fergus, when something seemd weird. It was merely dark. A few seconds later my car and I disappeared into another wall of fog.

On Wednesday night I met R, S, & J at Paradiso. Then we went to the Town Hall. Drinks were cheap, so I magnanimously bought a round. After J left to go to his job, the guys at the next table interviewed us on our ice fishing habits and used the rankest sophistry to try to induce us to play pool. We were far too wise for them.

The next day my dad told me some guy he works with was beaten with a tire iron outside of the Town Hall bar a while ago.

I had to split this into two posts. It's very long.

I came to work last night to visit. I missed E. And the gentlemen who sit over yonder: I hadn't heard any references to 'gay chicken', creative euphemisms for excretory functions, etc, in a couple of days.

There are a lot of balloons at my desk.

On the trip home yesterday, it was stormy up through Albany or so. Then it stopped snowing, even, and it was like the fog-moment of a few days ago; it took a few seconds to realize what was different. I like driving in bad weather every once in a while.

I'm going

up to Fargo to see some people I've known for a long, long time. It will be fun.

HGTV

I watched a lot of HGTV this weekend. I guess that's how we celebrate Christmas. HGTV is, well, I don't know. Some of the shows follow a certain formula, trying to build suspense about things that are fundamentally only mildly interesting. Which huge fucking house in the stupid-expensive suburb will the yuppies buy? Will a different set of yuppies be able to auction off their family heirlooms for enough money to pay for new wallpaper in their dining room? I watched this stuff for a couple of hours between eating and napping.

Christopher Hitchens is awesome

I love Christopher Hitchens. Have I mentioned that? Did you see him on the Daily Show a few months ago? Or on Penn & Teller Bullshit, chewing Mother Theresa a new one? And the time is ripe for another installment of Writers Whose Writing I Enjoy Very Much. I don't agree with him 50-70% of the time, but how often do you get to hear from an atheist/conservative? Here, as a Christmas treat, I present an excerpt and a link to his column on Slate.

See ya later, alligators.

"This was a useful demonstration of what I have always hated about the month of December: the atmosphere of a one-party state. On all media and in all newspapers, endless invocations of the same repetitive theme. In all public places, from train stations to department stores, an insistent din of identical propaganda and identical music. The collectivization of gaiety and the compulsory infliction of joy. Time wasted on foolishness at one's children's schools. Vapid ecumenical messages from the president, who has more pressing things to do and who is constitutionally required to avoid any religious endorsements."

Cheery Mishmash, everybody!

Unless you are not the Christmas type, for whatever reason, then just have a lovely weekend. Sometimes I just want to stay home and have pizza on Christmas. But my mom would tweak.

Ignore the following advice. Who the hell do I think I am? I'm not going to do any of these things.

Eat something good. Don't eat things you don't like; if someone makes you feel guilty about not eating their holiday specialty, invite them to bite you. Hopefully they will not take you up on it, but will take the message in the spirit intended. Life is too finite to eat cookies that taste like crap and baking soda.

Practice calmness and forbearance and reflection when you see kids throwing tantrums in the stores. It must be hard to be a kid this time of year, hauled all over town shopping, visiting dumb relatives, having advertising for everything in the whole world shoved at you constantly, not being able to process it. It's no wonder they freak out every so often. And avoid getting pissed off at the parents not understanding, fer instance, that a 3 year old out at 9 p.m. on a Tuesday, surrounded by loud people and toys they cannot have, might be easily upset. Does it really get you anywhere? No, it does not.

Don't buy anything for a few days or a week. Even groceries, if you can make it on what you have on hand.

Flip off Santa at the mall, but make sure no one else notices but you and Santa. Asshole never brings me what want.

THIS Is ThE BEST Website ever

http://www.cuteoverload.com/

It has pictures of a lot of cute things, mostly baby animals, which are the cutest thing ever, right? Unfortunately 'overload' is an apt description and I think I've fallen victim to a cuteness overdose and I may be very cranky, borderline evil for the rest of the day.

I don't hear phrases like 'breathtaking inanity' used often enough in reports on current events.

News article on a ruling about intelligent design. Unconstitutional for some reason. Students are told evolution is only a theory and other ideas--why, how about intelligent design? -- should be considered. Wasn't the word 'theory' already being taught, maybe other basic terms?

Also, this "war against Christmas" crap... got an e-mail from my mom today (of course a forward), with a picture of a Christmas tree, explaining that it wasn't a Hanukkah bush or, my favorite, "an Allah plant" (wouldn't it be an Eid Evergreen?). Is this really a problem? Jon Stewart said it right. Saying "Happy Holidays" isn't an attack on Christianity. It's a timesaver.

Hey, when God's judgement rains down on us like so much ... rain, do you prefer cataclysm (not evenly distributed) or apocalypse (get it over with)?

Oh the drama!!

I always thought that people were supposed to be nicer around the holidays, no matter how out of character it may be. I have realized this year that is a complete and utter lie! Not only are the people on the roads and in the stores evil, but also my family. I have always known that my family is a bit sarcastic and "jokingly" mean, but these past few days take the cake.
I went to Morton, MN this weekend. Population 463 stupid assholes (no I'm not bitter). That is where both my parents grew up and we were having the extended family Christmas at the Morton City Hall. 3/4 of my family over the age of 16 started drinking by noon. By 5pm one of my uncles was getting growly. My brother told him that he played cards like my aunt (that nobody likes). He got up, threw down his cards and wouldn't play for the rest of the card tournament. By 7pm my cousin was arguing with his brother. By 8pm he had told off his brother, mom, dad, girlfriend and a few other random people. Also that day my Dad decided that I was dressed inappropriately (I had on a silk tank top covered with a hooded sweatshirt, jeans and boots). He thought that he should make it clear to everyone, except me, that my shirt looked like underwear. That was my Saturday.
This Christmas day I am having about 30 people over to the community room at my apartment complex. I invited my parents and siblings and Justin's parents and siblings. We are also having one of my aunts and one of Justin's. Jeremy and his family are going to make it too. I have been very excited for this day, because I love parties! My Mom has been trying to take over and tell me what to do for it, I finally told her to knock it off. Yesterday my mother-in-law calls. The invitations that I sent out said the party starts at 11am. She calls to ask if we are eating at 11am. I told her that I was planning on 11:30, so that would allow for the late comers. Well, they just can't be there until 11:45 or noon, because they can't get up early and allow time to pick up her Dad, so they can be here on time, whatever! Then she calls back about an hour later and asks if she can invite her cousin, who neither Justin or I have met, and her family. Ok, it is only a WEEK before the party, but the more the merrier, right? Also last week she told me what she got for Justin, I had gotten the same thing, so of course I have to return MINE? That was Sunday.
This fine morning I am getting the kids fed and off to school. Justin had a final at 8am, so I made sure he got a good breakfast also. I see the Nirvana album "Nevermind" on the computer desk. This is something he has mentioned wanting in the past weeks, so I got it for him for Christmas. Yeah, you guessed it, HE BOUGHT IT! Later, when I was taking my nap before work, my Mom calls and wakes me up. She is getting a hotel room for my sisters family on Christmas Eve, which is great because then they won't be late on Christmas Day, BUT my Mom wants to have us over to my Aunt's house Christmas Eve night for dinner and open presents. Umm...Isn't that what the party on Christmas Day is for? First of all, one of my sons will not be with us on Christmas Eve. Second of all, I have to get ready for 30 maybe 35 people coming the next day. Tell me, how selfish can people be and am I the one being selfish. Right now I feel drained of all my energy, I feel like these people don't even deserve Christmas at my house. So, if you have stuck it out and read all the way to the bottom, let me know what you think.

Merry Christmas!

Reading plans

I'm scrapping my reading plan. Screw it. I have been reading some books I got at Goodwill this summer. The Death of Vishnu by Manil Suri. A Sideways Look at Time by Jay Griffiths. Right now the time book is just annoying. Vishnu is still dying, his horse just showed up.

JJ's last day.

The desk between CN and me will be empty. Another one bites the dust. We will brave on. Power through. Et cetera.

Il neige.

Last night, when I cleaned off my car, I noticed that this snow is perfect for snowballs, snow persons, and forts. It has a foolish consistency, a little sticky, pellety, crunchy and somehow a little fluffy. I wished there were people around with whom to frolic. But it was 1 a.m. When I got inside my apartment, I could hear someone screaming outside, but I felt too shy to go out and ask for their help building a snowman. With a corncob pipe (or a cigar) and a button nose (I only have baby carrots in the fridge) and two eyes made out of coal (I might have charcoal somewhere). Then it would come to life. Terrifying. And such a responsibility. Mea culpa, dear snowthing.

I haven't looked on my balcony lately. I wonder how much snow has accumulated there. If it's a lot, I could play quietly there. I've always wanted to make a Calvin & Hobbes-style snowman, like in the strips awesome Rhonda sent me the other day.

After work, I babysat CN's kids for a couple of hours. Well, not really, they were asleep the whole time. I thought about waking them up so we could hang out. But instead I just laid on the couch, and read Blogagaard's book and watched TV.

Ooh, did anyone watch Carson Daly last night? Yeah. His guest was Jennifer Love Hewitt. His ex. He seemed genuinely nervous. It was, if not great tv, interesting tv. His show was less sucktastic than usual.

Let's learn about turtles and Scandinavians

Dictionary.com's Word of the Day for Tuesday December 13, 2005

carapace \KAIR-uh-pace\, noun: 1. The thick shell that covers the back of the turtle, the crab, and other animals. 2. Something likened to a shell that serves to protect or isolate from external influence.


Merriam-Webster's Word of the Day for December 13
glogg \GLUG\ noun
: a hot spiced wine and liquor punch served in Scandinavian countries as a Christmas drink

Why did we always have lutefisk on Christmas Eve, and not glogg? I would like to try some glogg. Has anyone out there had the privilege?

Crapnasty: Student

Crapnasty starts school next month. I am super excited for her, and jealous. I've thought about going back to school, but it gives me the creeping willies. My plan is to go back someday.

Anyway, CN has her student ID, and the picture is really good. She got all her classes, but she doesn't have her books yet. I think she should get those cool Lisa Frank folders with the freaky looking kittens, but I doubt she'll agree. She is tolerant but not encouraging of my blogging about her new adventure. Does anyone have advice for our friend embarking on her new student career? Note well, she didn't actually ask for this advice, so don't worry about your advice being taken. My advice: Watch out for upperclassmen. They like freshman girls because "they don't know any better." Like that guy, you know, your husband? I think he digs you.

Nightlife in the big city

Long post, I know. Just skim it, I don't care.

1.)Downtown bars. DB Searles, the Rox, the Red Carpet. A lot of options within walking distance of each other, but you can't park downtown after 2 am or something like that. Widest variety of live music options. It's really close to campus; obnoxiously busy sometimes. Cops everywhere at bar close - I'm just sayin'.

2.) Hick bars & quasi-hick bars. The Shitty Limits, the Hitchin' Post (currently known as Dusty's), Benton Station, Pesty's, various Legions, VFWs and Lodges. Cheap drinks. Interesting crowd. Might get to see a fight or a karaoke contest. Atmosphere can be enjoyed ironically, or once you get drunk, patriotically in the AmLeg or VFW.

3.) Non-downtown, non hick bars.

a. Chains. Friday's, Applebee's, Ground Round, Granite City, Space Aliens. Dullsville, squaresville. Not impressive to blogfriends. Great for appetizers, but drinks are relatively expensive.

b. Not chains. O'Hara's, Jimmy's Pourhouse, Bear Creek. Varieties of entertainment. Get to support local businesses. Uneven service.

4.) Bowling alleys, pool halls. Vilo's, those other places. People expect you to bowl or whatever. Bad lighting, which may be a plus.

5.) Non bars

a.) Restaurants including: Perkins, McMillan's. Open all the time, but high in saturated fat and cholesterol. Delicious cholesterol. Risk being seated next to various loud, drunk types, or what's worse, old people.

b.) Coffee shops. Java Joint, Meeting Grounds. Moody teenagers all over the place. Feel out of place without tattoos and piercings. Or the opposite problem: infestations of yuppies.

c.) Somebody's house or apartment, or better yet, somebody's garage! Pros & cons depends on the place. Garages are a little creepy, let's face it. Oas has a pool table in the basement, & a big screen HDTV, but a psycho cat is waiting... lurking ...thirsty for your blood. My living room has 1 comfortable chair, and a blurry 27 inch screen tv; I have no pets, and I don't keep a lot of booze on hand. Anymore. Yet, I enjoy the space. As for Rainbow's, your own taste will dictate if this is a pro or con, but he has a small penis sculpture near the fireplace. His cats are cute and friendly. There's usually a good mix of people at his soirees.

d.) Break into a closed library, pet store or greeting card store. Haven't tried this yet, may have an update on Monday.

Anything I've missed or suggestions for new places to try?

Dispatch from Baghdad

From Slate: ""I've always respected John Murtha as a patriot and a friend of the military," said first-grader Abdul Zeki. "So I was somewhat surprised that he has taken the Jane Fonda position on the war." ...
But the debate soon subsided as the adorable children divided up for a game of peshmurga vs. Baathist dead-enders. By staying the course, the peshmurga eventually won."

Anywhere But Here

I went to high school with this guy. Interesting. Good artist. Still, a terrible speller. Isn't it funny how you don't see people for a long time, then you hear about them...? Well, I don't know, it's just weird.

In other non-news,
I thought Rainbow & CN would appreciate this article on Slate.com, which descibes the BEP song "My Hump" as "so bad as to veer toward evil."

Procrastination Station

I'm told that panda-watching beats doing homework. It sounds true to me. Sadly, I can't see the pandas on this computer. You should look at the pandas. There's a photo gallery if they aren't doing anything exciting when you go.

Animal Planet Panda Live Cam

Hot gossip about Nick & Jessica

Insiders reveal the secret tragedy after the breakup: Jessica wasted away and died! And Lucas was thrilled to hear it, but who wasn't? Nick isn't doing that great either, he's kind of a celery green color.

Oh, crackers.

I went to TGI Friday's twice this weekend. What does this say about me as a person? It says that I like the Jack Daniels barbecue sauce. Yes, it does. On Friday night, Whackly actually came out with us. He had a drink! No, two drinks! I think he was in a good mood because he'd left his friend to die in the cold, or something.

Saturday I went to the big show, Lit 6 at Creative Electric. Well, I got there before the very end. I made a wrong turn at Albuquerque, as the wascally wabbit used to say. It was good. Psycho Suzy's was good. All you people are pretty much like you are, you know? Cheap beer is good, tater tots are good.

I was supposed to go to a party in St. C Saturday night, but I was too damned tired when I got home. I planned to go to the Harry Potter movie Sunday night, but I was too damned tired after going out for dinner. Today, my internet connection is slow as hell, so I'm going back to my book. I'm tired as hell, but it's good.

I'm Done!!!

I have all my Christmas shopping done! Na na na boo boo! You guys probably don't even care, but I don't care if you care. Now I get to spend the rest of December making (and eating) goodies. I will bring them to work and share, I suppose. Well, I just wanted to brag a bit.

Well, I don't know about all y'all.

But I'm in a much better mood today. But my computer is slow here at work. Check out these adorable animal pictures Crapnasty showed me. They are from MSN.